18 months after separation - feeling loss more than ever

[BunchOfYellowTulips]

I am so sad at the moment. STBXH left about 18 months ago. He didn’t think our marriage was worth it anymore and he had made a new ‘friend’. He is not with her now but enjoying his freedom/feels he’s happier not having to compromise in a relationship. Divorce is dragging on, I’m waiting for one last bit of paperwork then it’s done. We were together for 9 years, no children (I had a miscarriage one month before he left), I’m 36.

I feel I’m going backwards. I’ve battled through all ‘firsts’ in the last year and thought I had made progress but, in the last week, I’ve been desperately sad. Constantly on the verge of tears. I started randomly crying in church today. I tried counselling but there wasn’t much to say. I’m scared to date, yet I’m desperate for my own family. I am ok living on my own but feel so lonely at the same time. All my friends are married and/or have families. I feel like life is passing me by. I’ve done up my house but would swap my pristine white walls for a messy living room scattered with toys in an heart beat. I’ve concentrate on my career and have hobbies, but nothing fills the emptiness inside. Weekends are bad.

I’m drinking too much too. Two bottles over a weekend. I’m adressing this currently.

I don’t know why I’m posting. It’s just a ‘it gets better with time’ thing, isn’t it?

Sorry, no tips on how you can drag yourself out of this. Hopefully someone else will be along. Have a hug and . Be kind to yourself, you went through a lot.

Bumping for you.

Thank you, hazel, much appreciated. I was expecting replies, just needed to get it off my chest. The flowers and hug mean a lot though. I hope it gets better with more time.

Hey Bunch . That sounds really tough. It does sound like you miss what he represented and not him though? Which means it might be possible to move on in time.

My STBXH left 6 months back. I've got DD but I find it so hard when friends say they're working on baby #2. It makes me angry he's taken the future id planned away.

My ex left me 2 years ago, I too thought we had a future planned out (kids, house etc.) but obviously she wasn’t as enthused as I was. I know how you feel to have your future robbed. I’m 38 and she’s almost 36 so I figure than kids may not happen for either of us. I’ve tried to build a new life and have been with plenty of girls since but I still feel like I have a hole in my heart in the shape of her. There’s not much to be gained by turning it all over in your head though. Try and get somebody counseling. Sending you hugs,all the best.
M

Thank you, everyone. Yes, I think I feel robbed of the future I had planned. Marriage wasn’t something I entered in lightly and it shocked my how easily my ex walked away from it. I miss being with someone but if I am completely honest, I still miss him too. For the last week it really felt raw again which caught me by surprise.

Nothing really to say that will help, apart from the well-trotted out 'it will get better in time'.
I'm coming up to 2 years, and I still dream about him and what we've lost.
Less so now, but it's still there. I imagine he has forgotten me, moved on with his life and sucking some other poor woman into his shit.
Just try and keep positive. You are grieving. You've lost the future as you saw it, your dreams of a happy family etc with this man. It really does get better in time.

The alcohol will be exaggerating your lows, so you’re right to be wary. Look after yourself. And 36 is more than young enough to meet someone new.

Thank you, Cabin. Sorry you have gone through this. I know only time will help. And it’s not as present anymore as it used to be but it comes in phases. I try to stay positive but it’s hard work at times.

Dis you are right. All the alcohol does is to exaggerate the lows and heighten anxieties. I will have a booze free next weekend!

I'm the same age as you about 15 months post separation - it was my choice though (he was chasing and chatting to other women online) and I subsequently realised how unhealthy much of our relationship had been. So maybe I've got over the missing him bit quicker; the loss of your dreams though, that's hard, as is the financial insecurity (I work part time due to disability and chronic health problems - it all feels quite perilous on my own) and I find myself feeling lonely at "family" times - neither of my parents are around and I'm making my peace with never having children.

I guess I'm trying to say I really get it, OP, and I understand that it's hard and bleak and isolating. I think the good times do get better. I too have learned that alcohol is a false friend. You mentioned church - do you get much support there? My church friends have absolutely saved my sanity. I hope you have a good day at work today. Please keep talking.

Hi OP - I really feel for you and I'm sorry you're still feeling so shit. Life can be cruel sometimes.

Even though you've already tried it, I do think you should reconsider getting more counselling. You do sound like you'd benefit from it. It's not always easy finding the right counsellor but when you do, it is life changing.

9 years is a long time and it will probably take some more time to get over it. Be kind to yourself. At 37, life is just starting - whether it's with someone else or single. Look forward to it.

I hope things get better for you. Good luck

I know you think you’ve lost the future idea of a family.
But you theoretically do still have time, it might just not be done the way you always thought it would.
There are lots of options for you, have you thought about sitting and talking with a counsellor about what you want for your life.
Missing him and feeling lonely is inevitable, and it’s grim, and nothing really helps. but don’t let him steal any more of your life than you can possible afford to lose.

Thanks everyone. I do feel silly for still struggling at times as I think I should be over it by now. Also compared to what others have been through it’s really nothing. I’m incredibly lucky in that I own my own house, are financially secure, have a job and career I love, am independent and practical in that I have no issues living on my own, and I’m healthy. I feel ungrateful for forgetting all these good things at times.

I guess it’s the feelings of loneliness that really get me at times. I don’t have any family nearby (the UK is not my home country), so I have no natural support network. My husband’s family had become my own. I got on so well with them and I really miss them, especially his nieces. With that all gone, I’ve been wondering a bit where I belong. The counselling has helped with this a little in that I know quite well what I want, but getting there and putting myself out there seems daunting. It was hard work to carve out a life for me here in the UK, and I guess I now feel I have to start all over again, which seems like a big mountain to climb, and I find it hard to get excited about the future.

Sorry, I’m just waffling now

Oh love. You can start again. You have to grieve what you’ve lost
There is a future for you
I know how you feel, it’s tough and there are no quick fixes
But you are a good person and you will have a good life, this much I know

Hey Bunch, im estranged from my dad and my mum died last year after a long illness. My Ex's family were v.much my main support network. I've struggled adapting to single parenthood (apols if that's insensitive to share) and in particular the loneliness of being stuck in every night. I had a week 'off' recently when DD went to her grandparents and it was really helpful- actually even when I can do whatever I want, I do choose to spend evenings I alone! It made me see loneliness was in my head a bit, and was related more to lack of choice about the situation not lack of friends. Hope that helps a bit- try and make and own some choices, for me the feeling of lack of control is the hardest. Hugs though. It's a hard place to be x