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Original poster

Will I ever stop missing my ex?

20 replies

thisishard2 · 24/02/2018 22:08

Still in the middle of a horrible divorce (so actually stbx). I initiated it because so much of his behaviour towards me had been untenable for so long. He has said some really horrible things to me and we do not talk at all despite still being in the same house a lot of the time.

And yet I miss him. The things about him I liked. It's painful because he is often here interacting with the dc.

I cannot imagine ever replacing him yet I think he already (at lightning speed) has someone else - judging by the late night and very long phone calls and other things.

He is so utterly familiar and I can't believe what is happening.

OP posts:
sunseasand25 · 24/02/2018 23:06

It’ll be easier once you are not in the same house. Maybe focus on the unacceptable stuff which led you to this decision. If he leaps straight into another relationship then the new woman will end up with the same crap from him cos he’s not bothered to sort out what’s wrong with him. It’s tough I know but time also heals. You probably mostly miss what you thought he wasFlowers

Khaleesi0 · 24/02/2018 23:14

Think about the bad times... never look back on your relationships with rose tinted glasses. Any time you start to miss him, think of WHY you started the divorce and why he's your ex. It'll get easier.

Pessismistic · 24/02/2018 23:15

Your missing what you had but looks like that went and thats why you wanted to divorce time is a great healer. he maybe with someone physically but not emotionally some men can just jump straight in to another relationship. I wouldn't focus on replacing him just focus on why you chose this and grieve for what you had and in time you will be see you done the right thing. It can't be easy being in same house ignoring each other. Would you consider counselling it helps to talk through your feelings and they don't judge.

BackInTheRoom · 24/02/2018 23:20

What do you like about him?

Disquieted1 · 24/02/2018 23:24

It can be hard. For some reason our minds like to remember the good bits and filter out the bad bits.
The bad outweighed the good or you wouldn't have gone down the road you are travelling.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 24/02/2018 23:38

Thanks for the messages. It's true, I am not focusing on the reasons this is happening enough. I do have it all written down so should read it more. It's also true that I am missing what it hasn't been like between us for a long time.

I really hope time is a healer because now it just feels really traumatic.

I miss his energy, his voice, his familiarity, sex (even though, during the last few years, he was completely detached and uninterested), parts of his sense of humour, our shared love of the kids, the food he cooks.

I don't miss his short temper, rudeness and criticism, weeks and weeks spent not talking to me after an argument, complete lack of affection for and interest in me, one sided massive financial decisions and his name only on things like the family home because if I wanted to own a house I should work for (this is despite my having been SAHM to three dc). My complete inability to communicate with him about more than superficial things for fear of his reaction. The names he has at times called me. His beltitling of me. Walking on eggshells at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishard2 · 24/02/2018 23:39

I should work for it.

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HonkyWonkWoman · 24/02/2018 23:45

He sounds like an absolute narcissistic bastard. Nasty, nasty man!
You are entitled to at least half the equity in the house even if he thinks it's all his.
Go and see a Solicitor!

Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 07:15

I have a solicitor and am going through court for the financial side of things, though hopefully we will be able to settle before the second hearing in 4 weeks.

I think it's the hope that things could go back to how they once were which is the killer.

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FrostiesMum · 25/02/2018 07:27

I know it’s cold comfort but truly, time is a great healer. It will take longer than you’d like, and in that time you’ll vary between good and bad days, but one day you’ll realise you don’t miss him. Then you’ll be able to remember the good times and appreciate them for what they were. For now, they will feel like some wonderful prize you’ve lost and that if you just kept playing the lottery a little longer / worked a bit harder / were a better person you could win back. None of those things are true. You are doing the right thing.

springydaff · 25/02/2018 07:42

I imagine living in the same house is blocking your healing.

Especially as it looks like he's already moved on. How painful and utterly dispiriting Sad And, actually, very unkind of him to flaunt that.

How long before you can live apart? You've done the right thing to leave him, now you have to grieve the good bits (long gone) Flowers

Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 08:30

For now, they will feel like some wonderful prize you’ve lost and that if you just kept playing the lottery a little longer / worked a bit harder / were a better person you could win back.

It really does feel like that! What makes it worse is that H made some kind of attempt to stop the divorce from happening - after months of ignoring me - but I didn't trust him. Especially when he said things like "I'll be dead soon and then it will all be yours" Hmm.

Since then there have been several episodes of him being very verbally abusive so I think I was right not to trust his apparent change which wasn't really a change. It was a desperate attempt to avoid losing stuff which he considers to be mostly his, and time with the kids.

I do feel sorry for the shock I caused. When he came running out of the house with the divorce petition in his hand looking so shocked and sad. That was genuine. But why then did he treat me like he did for so long in the run up to that. When I broached the subject of separation and mediation, he told me that I could carry on playing my stupid games and ignored me. So he wanted to stay married but not relate to me at all.

I also did damage to the relationship - but not comparable to his.

Yes Springydaff living in the same house is hard. Not sure how long it will take to sort out as we are still gathering financial info (which H is only doing under extreme duress if at all) and haven't got to the negotiating bit yet.

Yes the possible new relationship is really painful Sad.

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Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 08:33

Living in the same house (H spends a few nights away a week but I never know when) is like a constant reminder or what if. Or like being terminally ill as I know that eventually I won't be seeing H at all.

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Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 08:36

And he is talking to the dc about taking them to New York this summer.

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ChickenMom · 25/02/2018 08:49

Can’t you ask him to move out into rented or a hotel until financial things are ageeed? This isn’t good for either of you. He also can’t just decide to take the kids to New York until you’ve agreed custody/holiday dates. Don’t let him start dictating schedules.

HonkyWonkWoman · 25/02/2018 08:59

Don't waste your time pining for the man you originally married, he went a long time ago. The nasty, manipulating one is the real one. You need to be free from him.
So what, he's taking the kids to New York this Summer, take the time to do things that you want to do. Have you any close friends that you could start going out with occasionally. Or maybe, book a trip to somewhere for yourself at the same time.
Get everything that you can off him, it sounds as though money is his God, so you will have to fight for it.

Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 09:34

Don't waste your time pining for the man you originally married, he went a long time ago. The nasty, manipulating one is the real one.

But how do I square that with the very long and affectionate sounding phone conversations I have heard him having with this potential new person?

Re. New York - if it does happen, I will use the time to decorate wherever I am living, or maybe go somewhere if I can have some time off. I am not sure that one of my dcs' will go with him anyway, so maybe I can go on a mini break with her.

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RandomMess · 25/02/2018 09:39

He's reeling his next victim by faking who he is!!

HonkyWonkWoman · 25/02/2018 10:22

But how do I square that with the very long and affectionate sounding phone conversations I have heard him having with his potential new person?

Because he is a narcissist, this is what they do. Charm, use and abuse, then drop like a stone.

Even making sure you hear his cringy conversations with new person victim is all part of his sadistic side.

Next time he does it, turn the radio or tv up full blast and wander around singing at the top of your voice.

You need to get him out! Arsehole!

Original poster
thisishard2 · 25/02/2018 13:29

Yes there is a vindictive side to him. Also nice things though.

I guess that the shock of the whole divorce (even though I had been trying to broach the subjects for months, as had my solicitor) has meant that he has sought solace with someone else. Also because at the moment I am with the kids more, so when he is not here (maybe 3 nights a week, sometimes more sometimes less) he really is on his own. Except not any more Confused.

Maybe this person is more suited to him. Doesn't make it any less painful though.

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