Is there something wrong with me?

[Khaleesi0]

Hi all, this could be long so bear with me...

I'm 39 and been single for a year. After about 3 months I thought I'd try my luck with dating sites just to see what's out there so I joined both Tinder and POF.

After 9 months on these sites I have no date - not that I'm short of offers and matches but I always manage to find something wrong with them! If they say something I don't like, I get rid. If they say they're not on Facebook, I get rid (I'm paranoid they're married and actually ARE on Facebook!). If they're too full-on when I've asked them no to be, I get rid. It's the same if I meet someone in a regular sense, such as at work or in a bar etc etc.

It's like I'm too scared to be in a relationship when I've been treated so badly in the past.

Has anyone else experienced this? And how do I get over it and have a bloody normal life?

You have standards. Nothing wrong with that at all and don't let some mysognist tell you otherwise.
It only takes one man. He'll come along. Pof is full of pushy creeps. Bumble and tinder have a better standard! Good luck

Thanks for the reply gin, there's more...!

If they contact me on the sites with "hi" I bin them (casting a wide net?) and if I get them on Facebook, if they have too many pretty looking young girls in their friends list (and not many that look like mates or family members among them) I also get rid 🙈

Is this zero tolerance or just plain madness?!

Definitely bin anyone who doesn't reference something you've written in your profile. The stock messages show someone is just plain lazy and couldn't care less if they have anything in common with you. It's exhausting this dating lark but I'm convinced it's worth persevering.

I agree with everything you’ve said. I’d be the same way if I was dating. So many men are players. Your not crazy.

Are you saying that you haven’t even been out on a single date in that time?

Thank god for that, I thought I was going crazy! I might persevere with the dating sites then, surely I'll meet one worth my time!

I’m completely in agreement with you! Can’t stand a “hi” message. Or being called babe!

LuxuryTime I don't even let them get close to taking me on a date! 🙈

Me either! Nothing wrong with having a few standards ... I had a guy message me who’s only picture was him with a huge head wound and his face was covered in blood. 👋🏼

If they don’t have the courtesy to say more then hi or fill out the profile with something worth reading then they aren’t serious.

I’d relax your standards just slightly if you are going on zero dates. You may as well get a bit of practice in even if you end up not taking it further.

I never worried if a man just said hi as I understood lots of women probably don’t reply. I sometimes just went and “liked” a few men (or whatever system the site had!) so I see a quick hi message as similar.

I also wouldn’t worry if they say they aren’t on fb. I found the married ones easy to spot from their messaging patterns.

I’d be with you on men who have loads of young women on fb though.

Yeah I see loads on POF where it says "I'll fill in later" nothing about them, their hobbies, nothing! Why bother?!

I don't think there's anything wrong with having standards, but it does almost sound like you are sabotaging yourself. I'm with you on ignoring the ones that just say hi, but it sounds like even if they did said more, that you'd think up another reason to disregard them?

That's what I'm worried about MrsFluff

Lol I think you are right to have high expectations but if you haven’t even managed a single date you are probably right to ask yourself why.
Sounds like you are creating a barrier for some reason.

I went on lots of first dates when I was on the dating scene for the first time at 29 (had been in a ltr since 14!). I dated anyone who seemed attractive enough without any obvious red flags. I wanted to test my own standards so that I got to know myself better so I tried them all
The older guy, the much younger guy, the posh ones, the rough ones, the one I thought was lovely but not really attractive, the rich asshole guy, the sportsman, the French man lollll

LuxuryTime Sounds like you had a whale of a time ha ha ha! I just don't wanna waste my time on someone I'm not really bothered about?

You're entitled to have standards. But I wouldn't be quite so strict about Facebook - it's not everyone's cup of tea and you're treating it like it's compulsory!

Gut instinct and standards are hugely important, but to write people off because they're not on Facebook is extreme. I know plenty of people who don't use it, single and married. I'm doing OLD at the moment and I deactivated my FB account last week, it has nothing to do with my relationship status, I just like to take a break from it every so often.

The best way to view dating Khaleesi is like an investment in experience, get to know exactly what you want and you will be ready with that confidence when the right man comes along x

I find any generic 'hi' messages, anything peppered with lols, smileys or textspeak a turn off, but wouldn't bin someone purely on that basis if they otherwise seemed vaguely interesting. OLD is an odd situation and fumbling lines is to be expected.

Similarly (as a man) I have several close friends who aren't on facebook or any other social media, and probably a majority of friends who're on them but post next to nothing. So absence of facebook wouldn't bother me (and I'd never think to ask about it til I'd met someone). Facebook appears to be a much bigger deal to women than men, and I'd find it odder that a grown man was massively into it than not on it at all.

I am not on facebook and I am quite a catch!

You are investing way too much importance on what happens before you've even met someone. Like you want some kind of cast iron guarantee that he's 'the one'.

There are a lot of people on internet dating who are time wasters and don't really want to meet someone. Best rage a step back until you're ready.

I think you're picking up on insignificant things. I think you should still have standards, but give people the benefit of the doubt on the very minor stuff.

E.g. just says hi... if you like his profile, just say hi back, then see what comes of it. If he continues to seem lazy, leave it.

No Facebook profile? Not a deal breaker, but keep your eyes open for any other signs he's not available.

Thanks for all the comments... I've never been this neurotic before ha ha ha but my last relationship really screwed me up! Ok a more relaxed attitude it is...

I've always been hugely fussy, and it worked well for me.
I know that I was influenced by a painful childhood, and witnessing my mums terrible marriages, then recreating that for myself when I was young

I found working on my self esteem and confidence ( for me with meditation, and allowing myself to be interested in what interested me, instead of only don't "cool " things) really helped me to attract kind genuine men instead of just more of the same hurtful stuff. It was like if I was prepared to treat myself well, then other people were too.
Don't know if any of this resonates with you op, but I hope you find a way through.