my relationship is in such a mess.

[AmberCurtain]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.....overall it's been a pretty good relationship however since before christmas he's been different. We established he has issue with anxiety amd he admitted it properly after he had a panic attack.
I have accompanied him to Dr's appointments and encouraged him to seek help......he was booked in for therapy but managed to miss it. He still hasn't booked in for another session.
We don't live together but he would stay round a few nights a week.
My daughter has behavioural problems which have put an enormous strain on our relationship. These have also been getting steadily worse and an increasing amount of my attention is on her. I don't deny she is hard work.
Bf is now not staying over much. He barely messages. when I try to talk to him about important stuff he's silent. he's stopped showing me affection and his ability to cope around dd is getting worse and worse.
I love him and would be gutted if we split up....but I've said to him if he can't manage the relationship anymore and is trying to find an easy way of dumping me then just say.......I've given him every opportunity to leave. He maintains he loves me and wants to be with me.

I don't know what to do. the situation is making me miserable. I don't want to lose him but things can't continue the way they are. I understand every relationship goes through bad patches and you have to work hard to fix them but it feels like he's given up on everything

That sounds really difficult op.

How can you address this if he refuses to engage??

I've given him every opportunity to leave. He maintains he loves me and wants to be with me

but not your Daughter.... this statement was quite clearly excluding your Daughter OP.... let him go..

I was sort of paraphrasing......I called him out and said "look if you are distancing yourself because you don't have the balls to end it then let me help you"
He was pretty insistent that wasn't the case

he and dd had a long chat on the phone earlier and they both seemed happy afterwards. Hes going to take her out for a bit tomorrow and spend some quality time with her which I think is a step in the right direction.
I've made it clear that this isn't going to work unless he talks and just stops being so withdrawn. He said all the right things......I guess it just depends on him actually following through.
He's a good guy. He's trustworthy and i really do love him......I don't want to throw it all away. I just really hope he go back to his old happy self.

Hi op, just thought I'd comment and maybe try shed some light on why he may be distant? I also suffer from anxiety.

When my anxiety starts getting bad, I feel like everyone Im around would be better off if Im gone, so perhaps thats why he seems distant? This doesnt excuse his behavior at Al
Sorry for whats happening

Amber

Why are you doing this to yourself?.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot help him, you are too close and too over invested to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help and support here. You and he now need to be apart. Look at his actions and lack of rather than mere words. What sort of an example is he to your DD as well?.

I would also read up on the sunken costs fallacy re your thoughts about I do not want to throw this all away because you seem to be at risk of falling into that trap too.