Grieving relationship when will it stop

[unrequitedme]

I'm in so much emotional pain I can't stop crying, everything reminds me of him and I'm now remembering all the good times and things that I loved about him and my heads a mess 🙁

I broke off the relationship over three months ago now. It just wasn't working. He was a step father to my ds and we had another 2 together. He didn't treat my first ds with respect but said he loved him like his own. My ds hates him now and wants nothing to do with him. I will never have him in his life again, his feelings come first but I'm just struggling to deal with how I'm feeling.

I miss him. I miss how we laughed together and shared joy in watching the boys learn new things. I miss him calling me every day from work to see how my day was going. There is a lot I don't miss, the things we separated over. He was very set in his thinking, always thought he was right and was selfish in a lot of ways. I always felt bottom of the list. These are the facts I'm having to remind myself of every day but it's not taking away how I feel.

I couldn't remember any good things when we first split, I felt strong and focussed on making a new good future for me and the children. Now I feel lost and s mess and don't know what to do. I can't imagine being older and not having him in my life, we were supposed to be getting married. Spoke about retirement together and what we would do when the kids were all grown up.

Why now? Why three mo the down the line am I feeling like this? What the fuck can I do to take it away 🙁

It's a cliche but time is the only thing that heals this, time and you allowing yourself to grieve.
The end of a relationship is very similar to a death it's just that your grieving something not someone. Look up the grief model it will help you understand what you're feeling.
I know it doesn't feel like it but it does get better. You have to be able to accept your life will be different to how you expected/wanted it to be. But that doesn't have to mean bad different. It can mean good different because all of the reasons you split up are no longer there.
It's important to feel these things it's horrible but ultimately it's what allows us to move on. It's about feeling the emotions, acknowledging them and finding a way to move on from them.
Please remember that the language we use when talking to ourselves is the most important words we use. If you are consistently telling yourself you miss him, can't imagine life without him, love him more than ever that's how you will feel.
Acknowledge the feeling at the time, I'm sad because I miss him, then try replacing that with but I no longer feel like my son is not important to him.
I miss his calls but I no longer have to put up him being selfish when he did x,y,z.
Try reinforcing the positives of no longer being in this relationship. I know it's hard and it does hurt but with each week it gets easier.

Thank you. Must reinforce the positives of not being in the relationship anymore. It's weird, the facts feel like lies I'm having to tell me self and the memories feel real but deep down I know the reality is the facts are true. It's so hard to over ride every thought

You poor thing. I so understand what you're going through.

I'm someone who tends to bounce back from things rapidly - but even I hit rock bottom 3 months after I moved out, 5-6 months after we ended things. I think (unfortunately) how you feel is pretty normal given the timeline. You'll feel really bad for a little while yet.

But it will come to an end. It will. Your job is to tie yourself to the mast and wait for the storm to pass - I completely understand the massive, MASSIVE emotional energy it takes to override every thought, as you mention. It feels almost insurmountable. But that's only because you aren't good at it yet - it's new - the way to get good at it is to keep doing it, keep building up that muscle, keep on keeping on.

You are going to be OK, you just are. You've done something SO brave and strong for your DS. I am in absolute awe of you for that. The pain you're feeling now is completely understandable, and this is the price of love. Your DS is worth it.

Your feelings are temporary.
Think of it like withdrawing from a drug. Because it's very much like that - you are remembering the highs of the drug, wishing you could have them, but you must discipline yourself to remember the lows and how they were beginning to destroy the most precious things in your life. The drug is not worth it. Do not allow yourself to be tricked by memories x

Thank you that brought me to tears, again! I don't feel brave, I feel broken. But you are spot on with the drug thing, I've actually experienced that and this does feel very similar

(((((((@unrequitedme))))))))

unmumsnetty of me but you deserve a huge hug.

If you can get through drug withdrawal, you can get through this. If you can get through childbirth, you can get through this. If you can get through being a woman, you can get through this.

I remember posting when I was where you are, mners told me how strong and brave I was and I remember I replied, "I don't feel brave, I feel completely devastated, I'm desolated, I feel as if I'm dying".

And now I am 2 years on and I am so far from that. So far that I can tell you with certainty that all of this is going to pass.

Your only job is to get through the storm. The only way out is through. But you are going to get out. One foot in front of the other. Just survive, and you will get better.

I remember I hit rock bottom near Easter. By early summer, I felt so much better. The end is in sight. Keep walking. I remember telling myself at the time, "there are women who literally walked, pregnant and in their street shoes, carrying their toddlers, over the Alps to flee the Nazis. You can keep walking through this. Walk. Walk. One more step." You can do this xxxxx

I've just found my old thread, different name again and it's really helping me

Someone once told me that the time it takes you to recover from a relationship can roughly be calculated as:
Take the number of years you were together and double it (EG together 6 years, make that 12)
That's the number of months it will take, as a sort of median amount. So together 6 years, it'll be about a year to recover.

That's only a very rough figure but I found it helpful. In my case I think it took me about twice as long when I left my H, but when my last ltr ended, we'd been together 4 years but I was done thinking about him in less than 3 months. Children together definitely make things more difficult because you can't just go no contact.

Hope things are easier for you soon