Time apart effect on older children

[justbrowsin]

OH and I are going through a very rocky patch . We are having couple counselling and I am finding that many old feelings , emotions and events from the past are being triggered.

I had a rage filled meltdown about six months ago which resulted in us going to counselling . I have had another rage filled meltdown this past weekend .

OH is correct in saying that I am not letting my guard down and meeting him half way . He has said that he cannot put up with these rages ( they are directed at him) and has suggested that I need space to figure out if I want the relationship to work.

He has suggested he moves out for a given amount of time to give me time to figure out what I want and to give me space from him.

When he is not here ( he works long hours and has a long commute) I feel okay but it also gives me time to keep dwelling over past events . When he is here , there is an awkwardness between us and I feel myself pulling away and not wanting to engage with him.

I am in a quandary as what to do . I have questioned him about this proposition and the boundaries surrounding the time apart . He has made it clear that it's not about opportunity to go out or to see it as a way to leave the marriage, that he genuinely is worried about me and thinks I would benefit without him being there .

My main worry is , if the children were younger I would probably have time apart but we have a 11 and 14 year old children and I am concerned about the effect this time apart would have on them.

My main question is would the time apart be detrimental to my older children .

I think it very much depends on how you and your OH feel and act. I think with older children you have to be as honest as possible. My DC are 10 and 13 and I separated from their dad 1 month ago. We told them months ago so they could get used to the thought, and it's gone amazingly well. So my advice is that you get as firm an agreement as possible between you and your OH about the length of the separation and that you sit your DC down and tell them calmly that you are having problems and you are trying to sort it out and that part of it is that your OH is moving out for a while. Make sure that they have plenty of warning (maybe a month) so that you get a chance to show them that the world isn't ending. Anyway, the probably already suspect that something is up.

Have you thought about having counselling for yourself, sounds like you have a few issues to deal with and it might help.

Agree with ilovecamping. I have a counselling session once a week, it's very helpful. I get to talk to someone professional who listens and gives me feedback. It definitely helps me move work on my issues, understand myself and my STBXH better and move forward. I'm sure my DC also benefit from it indirectly.

I totally understand the meltdown thing. When I first told my STBXH that it was over last year, I had a series of meltdown, and I can now see that it had roots in the past but mainly that I felt he never listened to me or cared. Does it sound familiar? Counselling for yourself would help you work on your issues, even if they are connected to your relationship and your DH plays a part. Think of it as an investment.

I'm feeling quite scared about a trial separation . My OH , i feel lacks any kind of empathy . I don't think he has any love , care or real affection for me . I am finding that he talks the talk but his actions don't mirror what he says .

I wonder whether he is hanging on with the relationship because he doesn't want his children to come from a broken family . He is from a divorced family ( he was early 20s when his parents split) and has ended up with some very strange dynamics .

I feel he is not taking on board the core problems from the counselling and has gone into fixing mode . How can he fix/change things if he won't acknowledge what has gone on.

I know the children know something is up . I have several times wanted to sit them and reassure them that although we are having problems we are trying to work through them and sometimes we get cross and annoyed and upset with one another ( I would like to say but we still love one another but I don't know if this is true from my OHs point of view). OH does not want to do this . I think not acknowledging the turmoil in our relationship with the children is creating more worry for them .

OH family is one that never talks about things , things just happen without any warning . OHS parents when they divorced, just slid into , they did not properly prewarn the children, they were all in their late teens and twenties when this happened .When fil got engaged he did not mention it , I noticed the "congratulations on your engagement " card amongst other cards on the mantelpiece.

I also feel that OH is trying to escape the very uncomfortable atmosphere rather than acknowledging it .

I do think I need counselling alone.

Do you think your OH is shutting down to protect himself? I personally spent years trying to avoid divorce at all costs as my parent's divorce was very traumatic for me.

My STBXH is quite resentful that I didn't want to stay married to him, even though he showed no affection and wasn't terribly interested in me. I think he liked the convenience of marriage. I think many men appreciate the more practical things from a marriage, whereas many women don't see the point in being married if there is no affection, care or love.

Are you scared that a trial separation will lead to divorce? It sounds to me like you don't feel "safe" in your marriage. We are all scared of change, but it sounds like you need change, you don't sound happy.

I have asked him several times to tell me why he wants to continue the marriage . I don't understand as I don't feel any real love or affection from him of any depth ,it all feels superficial to me . I think you are right , it does seem to me as if he wants to continue as marriage is convenient for him and he would see divorcing as a personal failure which is linked to his ego.

I am scared that the separation will lead to divorce . There is already a huge gulf between us and I think a separation will just make it easier for me ( and possibly him) to stop addressing the issues and we will just let the relationship slide into a divorce .

We are both really having to deal with some previous and present uncomfortable situations that were never dealt with in the counselling . My OH seems to think that any kind of relapse is seen as the relationship is not progressing . He doesn't like the relapse because it means he has to take another inward look at his actions . He wants to just remedy the issues as quickly as possible whereas as I want to revisit them as I need reassurance that these things won't happen again .

I feel very unsafe in my marriage. I feel as if I'm on foundations that keep shifting or I am constantly preparing myself , am on alert for any further shifts . I feel very unstable in the relationship. The changes/ remedies that my OH is trying to implement feel as if they are leading to going back to how things used to be .

I need change . I need very dramatic change not just in terms of practicalities but I need to feel that there has been a definite shift in my OHS emotional response to me .

I think both you and your OH are scared of change. We all are.

I think you are "in between", you are very close to deciding it's over, but you are not comfortable with the idea of separation let alone divorce. You are still very confused.

I think you could really do with counselling just for you, it will help you see things a little clearer, and if you can deal with the past, you are more likely to let go of it.

I think your DH is right, some time apart would help. I think you need some distance, physical and emotional.

I was also scared of separation and divorce. I still can't get used to not wearing my wedding band anymore. But I know I have done the right thing and I feel so much better.

After both meltdowns , OH moved himself out of the bedroom . He said that he couldn't be me because of the way I acted . He doesn't understand that both during these outbursts I have felt completely out of control .

I read up about rages , as I found them both very frightening . The pattern that my rages took seemed textbook and the rages do seem to escalate as a result of not being listened to , I felt this during both rages and looking back I can see that my OHs responses during the rage played s big part in escalating my feelings .

When OH moved out the bedroom the first time, I did go downstairs and ask him to hold me , he pushed me away from him and something in me just switched off .
He is currently sleeping downstairs at the moment . Yesterday morning , after quite an intense discussion , I asked if I could touch him. He refused .

I feel that he is punishing g me for having the meltdown and he is enjoying having this power over me . But it is making me feel even further disconnected from him .

I think it's fair enough that your OH distanced himself physically and emotionally after your meltdowns. I understand that you had very little control over these outburst (I have been there, I know!).

I think it's important to remember that to other people we are our behaviour. We might feel very different, but how we behave is who we are.

*looking back I can see that my OHs responses during the rage played s big part in escalating my feelings ." - I know what you mean, but you are trying to partly blame your OH for your behaviour. If your OH responds in a way that makes the rage worse, then it's YOUR job to remove yourself from the situation. However justified you feel, you are responsible for your own reactions.

I really do think that counselling would be so good for you. I am sure you hate being so controlled by your emotions. It's horrible to react like that, I have been there. I read all the self-help books, I meditated, I researched techniques, but it didn't really help as I was trying to control my symptoms, I wasn't looking at the root cause, which, as you describe, was not feeling listed to, not feeling understood, and also being very stressed and run down.

I think meltdowns are a bottled up delayed defence mechanism. You work so hard to keep it all together, but when there is a trigger, you just loose it. Does it sound familiar?