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Original poster

Selfish husband?

13 replies

Prusik · 23/02/2018 09:10

I'm turning here because I don't really know what to do.

We have two kids -13 months and one month. Since conceiving our second, financially circumstances have changed and dh now has a minimum wage job. He's enjoying the job but doesn't want to stay there long term.

He's been spending a lot of time trying to work out what he wants to do. Most of it involves studying, a couple of jobs he's applied for involves moving areas.

He'll come home, do bath, play with ds1 and put him to bed. If I haven't done dinner he'll then do that. I can't complain on a practical level really. However he's so self involved at the moment on trying to find something that "fulfills" him (which I agree is important) that he doesn't ask me how my day was, how I slept, no longer makes me cereal and coffee in the morning. He does give me a cuddle and tell me I'm doing great but that's where the emotional support stops. He spends all evening doing applications, researching jobs and preparing for interviews.

It's so hard because I can't fault him for trying to improve our lives. We don't want to rely on tax credits forever. But I need him a bit more emotionally present. He's out Saturday at a university open day and also to visit somewhere prior to interview next week. And next week he's working Saturday but his midweek day off will be taken up by the interview so I'm with the boys on my own six days this week and six days next week.

I only want him to ask how my day was. I'm having a few breastfeeding issues as ds2 has dropped to 0.4th percentile (born on 2nd percentile) and I'm worried about latch and supply issues. I'd like time to be able to lean on dh's shoulder and cry about it but I'm not given any time.

I just feel so sad

OP posts:
Ilovecamping · 23/02/2018 10:06

He's not being selfish, perhaps a bit thoughtless. you have to grab his attention and tell how you are feeling, he's not a mind reader.

BackInTheRoom · 23/02/2018 10:11

Perfectly understandable but I think the support you're looking for, you might find in other nursing mothers in a similar situation? What about joining the local NCT?

Original poster
Prusik · 23/02/2018 13:30

I think he's just so wrapped up in his thing that he's forgetting about me and the boys. I'm absolutely crazy about him and would just love a hug at the end of the day

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2018 15:42

Have you TOLD him this? He's not a mind reader. Why not just say that you would love it if you could BOTH take just a little more time every day to focus on each other.

Original poster
Prusik · 23/02/2018 18:35

I have tried but he has said that he needs to focus on his stuff. I feel he's forgetting that having two babies is a challenge. I feel like I'm coping ok which makes him forget that it's bloody hard.

I said to him tonight that I want him to ask me every morning and evening how my day/night was

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/02/2018 20:04

He’s not psychic! Tell him

buckeejit · 23/02/2018 20:16

This will be one of the most testing times of emotional resilience you're ever likely to experience. First of all remember it will get better. Also think do you need some time for yourself? If you have a regular class or go for a coffee, it will help you. I don't blame you for wanting him to ask about your day.

Ok you've told him to & he hasn't done it. Start telling him about your day anyway straight after he finishes his 'fine' or whatever when you ask him about his day. He might just pick up the habit. Keep communications open & try To remember he's supporting & trying to improve things for the family

Original poster
Prusik · 23/02/2018 20:24

I always say 'have a good day', 'how was your day', 'did you sleep well'. He'll tell me about his day and then just say he had stuff to do.

I tried to talk to him tonight to tell him how I'm feeling but he just said that I need to crack on because he has stuff to focus on.

I'm trying so so hard to be supportive but it feels like it's to the detriment of my needs. I'll carry on being supportive but it's damaging our marriage because I feel like I'm bottom of the pile and wholly unimportant

OP posts:
Original poster
Prusik · 23/02/2018 20:27

I can't really get out for coffee on my own as newborn is breastfed and I can't leave the thirteen month old with anyone unless I call in a favour. DH is busy doing his discovery stuff all day tomorrow. He'll probably then want a lie in and/or a nap on Sunday as he's used all his "mental energy".

Meanwhile I'll continue to look after a five week old and a thirteen month old single handedly

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 23/02/2018 23:49

It awful has he forgotten the kids are his responsibility aswell? Yeah he might be trying to get a better job but what about his family he has left you to get on with things? Can you tell him you have made arrangements to get out one Saturday or Sunday soon so he will have to have his children and leave his other stuff for the day. Im sure you didnt get married to be lonely I am in a similar situation and felt less lonely when single. My oh works shifts I come home he goes out I work alone so no conversation all day then none at night teenager in bedroom online so can't get out. It's horrible situation.

Emma198 · 24/02/2018 00:22

Perhaps to his mind what he is doing is supporting you and your children the best he can by striving to have a career he enjoys with a good wage, so he can be the best husband and father he can be. He may be so preoccupied that he's losing sight of the here and now but please don't you lose sight of the fact that he's working hard for his family, it's not a selfish act. I felt similar when we bought a new house that needed work doing to it, I was signed off work with anxiety and depression at the time. My husband came home from work every day and got straight stuck in to tiling, painting and everything else that needed doing. He too didn't ask how I was or how my day had been and I got so frustrated and upset, but when I talked to him about it I found that he thought I'd feel better if the house was finished, and he just wanted me to feel better so was focusing all his energy on the house. He was looking after me in his own way, the best he knew how.

Cricrichan · 24/02/2018 04:40

You have two babies which is hard. He's feeling the pressure if supporting the four of you.

Neither of you are wrong but he doesn't realise how hard it is to look after two babies and you need to understand the stress and worry of not having a job that supports a family.

Go easy on each other. Your children will get older and easier and he'll hopefully get a good job and your lives will be a lot easier.

Original poster
Prusik · 24/02/2018 04:49

You guys are all 100% right. He's a good man and is doing it for us. He does talk a lot about being fulfilled which is fine but while he's harping on about being fulfilled I'm drowning in babyhood with a newborn who is a poor feeder and writhes around with discomfort all night, every night (maybe reflux?) and pukes or screams the second I put him down and a 13 month old who seems to be very determined and stubborn.

He has listened, I think, he came up before bed and told me I'm doing well and gave me a cuddle. His way of being helpful is to do. I know this but it doesn't stop me feeling abandoned. And then feeling selfish for wanting only a tiny crumb of attention

OP posts:
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