Self-sabotaging relationship :(

[CurlyRover]

DP and I were planning our wedding, buying a house and things were generally feeling really good.

I have low self esteem, low confidence and struggle with depression and anxiety. As a result of past relationships, I really struggle with trust in a relationship. Mostly trust that I deserve someone who loves me and trust that somebody could ever love me because I feel unworthy of such love.

At the weekend I did something that massively dented our relationship. We almost split up and tbh I don't blame him for his response as I'd feel the same if the situation were reversed.

I am such an idiot. We are obviously now putting our wedding plans on hold although are still buying the house. We completed on Wednesday and instead of being happy I just feel desperately sad. And scared. I feel sad that in what I thought would be a happy time instead we are feeling vulnerable and struggling. I feel scared that we are now committed to each other. Which is stupid considering I'm gutted about us putting our wedding plans on hold although I completely understand why we have. I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I don't understand why I feel scared about us being committed to each other.

How the heck do I stop self-sabotaging myself?? I panic when things go well and end up sabotaging them, but not consciously. It's only after the fact and on reflection that I realise why I've done it.

What did you do??

Whatever, you owe to yourself and him to sort your shit out, and that comes at a cost to you - you invest your emotional energy, your time, and probably your money, in some quality talking therapy to sort this out. Please don't go through your life with low self esteem. It hurts you, and it hurts others.

What did you do?

Curly I am very similar. Have you told him how you feel?
You don’t have to trust completely you know, keep 10% back.
How long have you been together?
I sort of trust dh now, but it makes me feel scared typing that. We have been married for twelve years and have three dc

I'm seeing a counsellor at the momemt to try and work on a lot of things.

I have told him how I feel Rick but at the moment he believes the words and actions during the bad times more than the words and actions in the good times We've been together 2 and a half years and been really good friends for 5 years. It's good that you trust your DH now even if only sort of.

Curly that’s brilliant you are seeing a counsellor, best thing you can do.
I am achingly insecure, but come across as confident. I hated myself for years and felt unlovable, and unwanted, all do to with my childhood. There is hope, I have forgiven myself for my mistakes and don’t panic if situations or people are not perfect.
Try and trust yourself, you are doing the best you can do. That’s all we can ask if ourselves.
wishing you strength