Advice on child arrangements?

[rupdex]

Hello, I am new here and looking for some advice.

I was with my now ex for 6 and a half years. We married in November 2017, got a house on the army barracks as he's a serving soldier in Jan this year. 12 days later he left me. I'd just handed the keys back to my rented property back at home that day. Me and the kids now have until 29th April to leave. We have no where to go so will be put in a hostel until the council can house us. I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship and a 1 year old with this one.

He's been emotionally abusive for the last 3 years and he's probably done me a favour in leaving because I wouldn't have realised and done it myself.

He wants contact with his son, texts me everyday about him, calls me all names under the sun. When he does see him he comes to the house for half an hour and that's it and quite frankly I've had enough of it. I want him out my life. He's screwed me and the kids over big time.

I have made an appointment for mediation to arrange contact as I'm hoping this can be done by a third party and I won't have to see him anymore. Also hoping once times are put in place he can leave me alone and go through whoever the third party is. I can't deal with the abuse anymore.

Has anyone here been through this process? Are there rules on who is entitled to legal aid? From what I've read this very expensive.

I understand that a child has a right to see their father. But the fact he's made us homeless, made me give up my home which I paid for myself, married me then left within 12 days makes me wonder if he even cares about his son?

Any advice I would really appreciate because I'm struggling right now. Anything I say to him is wrong. According to him I can't even breathe right. :(

I totally agree with you and have been in your position - what proof is there that he actually cares for his son?

Maybe go to the dr and explain they may assign a abuse counsellor and offer some help.

Your son is entitled to a relationship with the twat and not the other way around so follow his lead. You will be fine!!! better off without this scumbag!!

and women aid and CAB

Army welfare? There was a post on here a while back where a woman was escaping domestic abuse and the army rehoused her off base... You hardly had a chance to get used to being married to a soldier before he quit so might be worth asking about it?

I've been involved with army welfare and have made them aware of everything he's done to me in the relationship. The only thing they can do is pay for my removals when the time comes and if anything kicks off then they will step in.

Does it class as domestic abuse? Part of me still feels I'm stuck in that mind set of "is it really me? Did I do this?"

I suffer with mental health issues which he uses against me regularly.

I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing by taking him to court and not the other way around.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your husband sounds very cruel, and very odd, in acting in this way. You must be in enormous shock, so I'm not sure that using mediation to sort out contact at this stage is in your best interests

I think firstly you need to think about what's best for you and your children and sorting out where you're going to live etc before agreeing to any long term contact arrangements between your husband and youngest son.

Where are you planning to live? Have you got family or friends that you could move close to? If I were you I wouldn't be too worried to stay close to the barracks for your husband's sake. In fact a little distance can be an excellent thing as visiting daily in your home just isn't sustainable in my opinion as it's too intrusive.
If you are going to go to mediation at this early stage, I'd insist that you worked out the finances for the immediate future first, before discussing any contact arrangements.

Personally, I'd want time to catch my breath and get settled and have a chance to think about things a bit before mediation. I'd offer him an hour a week in a cafe with a location convenient to you for the time being, supervised by yourself, so he can see your son. I would refuse to discuss any other arrangements re the divorce or contact during this time- it's purely for him to see his child.
Given his appalling behaviour, I'd also clear out any joint accounts that you have together. Do you think you should go and see a solicitor too?

I have applied to go on a housing list back in my original home town. Unfortunately that means I have to wait until I'm removed from this current property. If I leave any earlier, the council see it as I've made myself intentionally homeless. As there is a long wait for a council property, we will be housed in temporary accommodation which is generally a hostel for however long it takes.

I haven't seen a solicitor as I can't afford it, plus I can't file for divorce until it's been a year and that isn't until November 2018.

My main reason for wanting to go to mediation is to stop the contact from him. I can't deal with him constantly texting about our son and sending me abuse every time or putting me down. I feel that if a contact order is put in place, he won't have to text me asking to have him on random days that suit him. My mum has also said she would step in as a third party.

I literally can't even have a normal conversation with the man. I don't know what's happened. He's gone from being fine to all of a sudden hating my guts and walking out.

Sorry I didn't read your post properly about you not wanting any contact with him. Get yourself rehoused in an area where you want to be and then consider the issue of contact. You could leave it to him to find a suitable contact centre near you (which he pays for). If he wants more, then you could either consider mediation at that point, or he can apply to the courts for the contact he wants, and they will decide how realistic that is.
If he is being abusive, report to the police so it's documented. Apparently you can get legal aid if you need it if there's a history of domestic abuse. Womens Aid will be able to advise you further on this, so give them a phone.

Mediation isn’t a magic bullet and with abusive types you are at their mercy and that of your Mediator and you’d be surprised just how crap some of those are. He’s harassing you and a Mediator can not stop him but the Police just might. Please contact them.

I agreed for him to see his son today and he didn't turn up and blocked my number completely. Oh well. :(

Morning Rupdex,
You're husband's behaviour sounds bizarre and you must be devastated.
Where is he husband living at the moment? Assuming that the army won't evict you from your current home earlier than 29th April, I guess you have little choice but to stick living in your current home. Far from ideal though!
There are things that you can do in this time though- apply for child maintenance now and remove the children's passports and birth certificates etc to a safe place (give them to your mum to look after). Are there any savings etc? Even if they're in his name only, take details of them.
How far away is your home town? Can you visit your mum or other friends, at weekends, to get you away from home for the time being?
Document your husband's twattish behaviour, and the times that he breaks contact arrangements.
I wouldn't worry about a solicitor or mediation at the moment. Once you move, you'll be in a much stronger position to set a regular time for contact. Personally, I wouldn't chase him to organise this, and would wait for him to contact you to arrange a mutually convenient time. I also think I'd still consider a contact centre if there's any chance of him being abusive towards your mum. If he isn't in agreement with the arrangements you set, he can take it to court, rather than you.
I hope you get resettled as soon as possible.

@rupdex you can get legal aid in domestic abuse cases. I hope things look up for you soon .

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Mediation is not advised where there is an abuser.

I know that you want him out of your life but I would report any harassment and threats to the police. Don't go to mediation as it will be a waste of money. He will be abusive to you there and you won't get a binding agreement. If he wants contact, leave it to him to apply to court. Keep all the abusive messages.

Definitely speak to Women's Aid.

Just wanted to update this.

Me and the kids are being moved to supported housing with other ex army wives soon.

I feel awful because he won't see his son as he can't know where we are. Feel like I'm being eaten up with guilt and blame.

Is he mentally stable? Because he sounds like he's on another planet. Poor you and the kids.

He's blocked you? Block him back.

Don’t feel bad, if he behaved differently than there would be no problem with seeing his son. He chose to be abusive and these are the consequences.

Please don't feel awful that he won't see his son at the moment-his feelings are not your concern any more.

Concentrate on making things ok for yourself and your children. Your one year old will be fine so long as he is with you and you are calm and loving towards him. Your eight year old is likely to be much more affected by the sudden change in circumstances, and you 'll need to constantly reassure him that you will all be ok, and to help him understand what's happened.

You must be very relieved to be moving in with other ex army wives- you'll have company and support and your children will also have other kids around. It will give you some time to come to terms with what's happened and the appalling way your husband has let you all down. It will also help you plan your new life.
And yes, block him too and show him that you're not going to be easily contactable by him, when he next feels like bullying you or making sudden demands to see his son etc.

I hope you're doing ok op