Haven't distanced from narcissistic mil and regretting it. She's getting worse, other people are noticing, dreading the fall out

[Chamonix1]

It's been established many times. My mil is a narcissist.
She's got ridiculously high expectations regarding how she's treated by people but has little to no regard for anyone unless she's got something to gain from being kind.
She's flaky and manipulative. Ruins special occasions by throwing strops and ignoring me because I've somehow upset her AGAIN and has started indirectly slagging me off in my own home to my family, who no longer want to be in her company.
2 family birthdays have recently been made uncomfortable and miserable by her crappy attitude and I've been totally ignored in my own home.
When I chose to not try and bleed a conversation out of her (she blanked my attempts at hello and small talk) she's told everyone I've ignored her and sent her effing husband round to confront me.
My husband supports that I no longer wish to see them but doesn't want to let go as he loves his dad (fair enough) but still wants to take the children round etc.
This is just shit and I just want to run. In fact, I could leave him because of this just to get away from it all but if I do this he will stop seeing them and blame me.
Every occasion is ruined by her. I've tried for 6 long years to please her and the moment I upset her (for example popping to the shop without her before she arrived at ours for dinner) she forgets all th good I've done and decides to ignore me and make petty comments making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
Not sure what I expect to be honest.
Some people will say go no contact, some will think I need to get a grip. I honestly just want to cry under my sheets and hope it all goes away.

Has your husband ever sat her down and explained that she is behaving terribly towards you?

Once. She basically took no responsibility and blamed me and him.

Can you talk to her stating facts to make her have to explain her unreasonable attitude?

So just 'MIL, would you be able to tell me why it upset you that I nipped to the shop before you arrived?'

Surely she can't answer that without sounding ridiculous.

She sounds like a total nutjob. What the fuck has it got to do with her when you went to the shop?!

This is all about getting your DH on your side. He can tell her to shape up.

No way should you have to have rude guests in your own home - family or no family.

It's because I went to the shop with my Aunty. We were gone for 20 minutes and my husband and my uncle and the baby stayed behind. She wanted to come to the shop without us. Felt excluded and threw a wobbler.
When I said to fil that she was off with me and my aunty all afternoon he justified it with "she wanted to go to the shop with you" they genuinely believe it's rational behaviour.

Come to the shop *with us

Ask her directly next time she does it in front of other people if she means to be so rude and is there a problem?
Call her out on it.
Make her accountable and embarrass her back in front of people like she does to you.
I bloody would and have done to fil before.
Sometimes confronting them with their own behaviour forces them out of repeating it.

Trouble is - if you try the 'did you mean to be so rude?' on people like this, they just act as though you haven't spoken, and if you try to press the matter theythen call on everyone else there to see how you are 'bullying' them.

Onlookers only see what they want to see. If she's conditioned everyone else to put up and shut up, then they genuinely won't see what she's doing.

I've said "what's wrong?!" Before and she's gone "nothing!" Then looked away. So basically I'd have to press it and it'd be an argument that "I've started".
Just never ending battle!

Watching with interest as I have the same problem after 12 years ....

You can’t win with a narcissist.

And if you step up, so will they.

If you lower yourself to their level, they’ll beat you with experience. Don’t underestimate how bad a narcissist gets if someone is on to their manipulative behaviour.

You’ll come off worse.

Your DH needs to have your back. Rude to you in your own home, he should step in.

It’s all crap though. I totally get your dilemma.

The only solution right now is to be a team.

Chamonix,

I remember you from previous writings.

People from dysfunctional families like your DHs end up playing roles.

Your H is very much still in his own FOG re both parents and that may never change. His own inertia as well when it comes to them simply hurts him as well as you people. He has been trained too to serve them and put his own self last. This is also why he wants to continue to have a relationship with them but it does not follow that you should automatically have to and nor should your children have a relationship with them either. They being subjected to their emotional manipulations will harm them emotionally no end.

Women like his mother cannot do relationships at all but always need a willing enabler to help them. That person here is his dad; he is also culpable here and has failed as a parent to your H as well. He is a weak bystander of a man who has acted purely out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. It may well be that he is as narcissistic as his wife is.

All you can do is maintain and strengthen your boundaries here along with changing how you react to them i.e. stop trying to please them. They won't like this at all but it is necessary here for your sake. Continue to let your H support you in not seeing them.

This is just going to be such a stressful time.

The last 3 occasions I've seen my mother in law she has either made nasty remarks (to me or to my family members indirectly slating me for not seeing the children enough- simply not true unfortunately she had seen us all once a week since our new baby arrived) or completely blanked me.

I've been punished on my husbands birthday for not involving her in decorating a room (just a few balloons and had made a point of including her in other arrangements for his birthday party) and for popping to the charity shop with my aunty and cousin before her arrival.

I had booked afternoon tea for me and my husband, with the children and my own mother and invited my mil along with her friends who were staying with her to come along. She booked her table to join us for just half the guests she was bringing and decided to feed everyone breakfast at 11:30 and that only the men would eat afternoon tea- she turned up and expected everyone to be able to sit down regardless of the fact she had booked only half of them! 30 minutes late for the tea and told me straight up this was because I hadn't involved her in balloon blowing up (for gods sake she's a middle aged woman!!) and made a song and dance about how she MUST be seated with us even though her and her friends weren't eating and there wasn't room on the restaurant.
After the staff had rearranged the whole table and she had made several nasty digs she sat down and refused to talk to me, going on to my husband about how she's sorry she's "ruined" his birthday and how she doesn't understand what all the fuss about the table was.
She was cold and flakey and kept saying how my baby didn't know her blah blah blah.

And again totally blanked me on my daughters birthday. 4 words to me all evening and sat there speaking about how she doesn't know her grandchild to my mum infront of me.

Popped over to see their next door neighbours on Monday (they're my husbands godparents!) as one of them almost died and had been in hospital for a week. Literally a cup of tea (the day after my daughters party so we had seen in laws day before) and when I went to leave out comes fil asking me why I wasn't coming in for a cup of tea and what my problem was with his wife. I pretty much refused to engage in this conversation and said I didn't feel welcome in for tea and his wife had completely ignored me for the past 3 occasions I'd seen her. I told him I didn't want to discuss it further and ultimately they'd just conclude it's all my fault and it's not worth it.

Today we have received a lengthy rather cold message asking (more demanding) to see our eldest and have her overnight. It was so business like and cold they obviously know i don't want them to take her.

My husbands sole reason for wanting to say yes is that he's scared of the fall out. He too has had enough of his mother but is genuinely scared to upset her still. I'm now stuck in a horrid situation as yes my daughter enjoys her grandparents but her grandparents are quiet frankly horrible to ME.

Can I really say NO because they're nasty to me? Because I know this is the start of a major bust up.
I need to step way back and let them have this bust up without me but I feel sick to my stomach and questioning my own sanity.

Sorry for lengthy post I just wanted to explain the past month of dealings with them- my mil doesn't cope with life being about anyone else, it always kicks off when a baby arrives or it's someone's birthday. It's such a shame I wish I could just run away.

Honestly your DH is in FOG mode and needs help.

I think put your foot down and say you and the DC are no longer having this toxic person in their lives. He can visit them as he wants and the DC can go twice per year...

Hopefully with help your DH will eventually go NC himself.

OP you poor thing. I totally understand this. I had this for years. I couldn’t do a thing right. Couldn’t go anywhere without MIL. Would get slagged off or ranted at if I spent a precious weekend day with my family. Every single special occasion ruined. It was exhausting and I felt totally alone. My family are easy going so I lost out on family time with them because it was less stressful trying to keep her happy. I never saw my family and if I did it was moods and sulks about why she hadn’t been included (god knows why - they all hated her and she hated them). FIL was just as bad but very sly. Would wind her up behind the scenes then sit and pretend to be all reasonable whilst she was kicking off. I’m sorry I don’t have advice. I didn’t have DC and after losing 7 years of my life to this and ex undermining me with them and refusing to allow me to be NC with them I left. I have never ever for a single second looked back. The relief was massive. I’m sorry that is not helpful to you. This is for your DH to resolve. Looking back I think mine was so traumatised by his parents and enmeshed in their behaviour that there was no way he was capable of standing up to them in any meaningful way. I did beg him to help me but he couldn’t do it. I blamed him at the time but looking back I don’t think he actually had a clue how abnormal it actually was

A good rule of thumb here is that if a relative is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. Look at how your DH has been harmed at her hands; similar types of emotional harm could well happen to your children going forward. Your DH is up to his neck in his own FOG here so you are going to have to step up and say no more. DC should not be seeing them either particularly given their past behaviour with your eldest
(I remember the rope incident). A error of judgment here was letting your children see them at all with the result that now you are going to sever all contact with them. They are not emotionally healthy enough to be around either you or your kids.

Your boundaries are still way too low here re his mother (why did you invite her to this afternoon tea at all, again were you trying to be nice here?) because she sees kindness as weakness to further exploit. She has and will continue to ruin any social occasion you invite her to. Surely you realise by now that it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with someone as disordered as his mother is.

Random- he does need help. I honestly have tried to get him help but he'd basically rather just desperately try and forget and just keep them happy. I've had enough of it to be honest.
Amounts- "Looking back I think mine was so traumatised by his parents and enmeshed in their behaviour that there was no way he was capable of standing up to them in any meaningful way. "
This is pretty much my husband. Pretty much sums up why he hasn't seemed help- in a weird way I think he thinks it's normal and best if you just try and keep them happy. He just doesn't want to accept that actually he doesn't really enjoy their company anymore.

Attila- I know. I've said if she's too nasty for me to deal with then she's too much for my children. He doesn't really see it because right now she's wonderful with the kids. It's hard to explain to him that she probably won't always be.
She was invited because it was my husbands 30th and HE wanted them there (too scared not to have them there) it always boils down to the fact he's too scared to fall out with them and when I pull away and they kick off he gets so stressed and sad and I just can't bare to watch it all and feel responsible for it.
To be honest- if I was brave enough I'd leave him to get away from them it hurts that he won't stick up for me when his mum is so horrible to me infront of him especially when his dads the first to pull me up if I upset his wife. I feel like my feelings don't matter and that he just doesn't want to piss mummy off and it fucking hurts.