relationship with old friend - help please

[changedmyname12345]

Hello,
I’m looking for some advice about a very old friend. We were at college together 30 years ago and were very close, we shared a house together, I was bridesmaid at her wedding etc. We stayed close until about 14 years ago and saw each other regularly. She married and had 4 children and moved about 2 hours from where I live. I didn’t have any children although had a couple of long term relationships until 15 years ago when I had my daughter by sperm donor. This was a massive decision for me, I had wanted to meet someone to marry and have a family with but didn’t and reached the age of 35 and felt that this was the best option. I am so, so pleased I made that decision and have a wonderful daughter who is obviously fully aware of the circumstances.

However, I made the decision not to tell others about her having a sperm donor as her father apart from very, very close friends and family. I didn’t want it to be something to be gossiped about and felt it would be my daughter’s decision one day to tell people if she wanted to. My daughter is glad I made that decision.

Anyway around the time my daughter was around 3, my friend became very distant with me. I invited her and her family to my daughter’s christening (my daughter was 4), it went well but there were a lot of 4 year olds who got quite rowdy. After the party my friend rung me and said a couple of things that I couldn’t forgive:

Firstly she said that she felt very hurt that I hadn’t told her who my daughter’s father was and that she and her children ‘had the right to know’. She implied that I’d had a one night stand and hadn’t told the father, she even said ‘it’s not fair on the father’ ‘what if you bump into him etc.’ I said that wasn’t the case (but even if it had been, it wasn’t for her to judge) but didn't elaborate for the reasons above. She then went onto say that the christening showed that i was bringing up my daughter to hate men as some of the 4 year old girls who had got over hyped up at the christening had shouted ‘we hate boys’… nothing could be further from the truth. They were just over excited 4 year olds.

After the phone call I decided for my daughter’s sake to cut contact, but my friend continued to text and send Christmas cards etc. I just let it go and didn't respond. Then last year we had a college reunion, I was friendly but distant with her. She knows why I am this way although I have never spelt it out.

Shortly after the christening I met my now long term boyfriend and for the past 9 years have been a stepmother to his four boys. We all live together and me and my daughter are very happy – he is like her father and has brought her up).

But I’ve started to think about my friend, I’m getting married in June and I’d like to make up and have her there but I’d also like an apology or an acknowledgement that she shouldn’t have pried and judged/jumped to entirely the wrong conclusions. (She really had no idea about my daughter's conception circumstances and yet she judged me!)

Should I send her and her husband an invite/should I write to her telling her how I felt or should I just write this relationship off?

I'd just be really grateful for any advise. I miss her but hate how she behaved.

anyone?

I think I'd chalk this one up to experience & not invite her.

She didn't & doesn't have a "right to know" - what would she do with the information? Could you trust her to keep it to herself?

I think if you did invite her then she'd start nosing again & jumping to more conclusions.

Sometimes giving somebody a secret bd chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time

I don't say that to be flippant, it's hard to lose friends. It's also normal to miss people that have done us wrong. She judged you and felt that she was entitled to information about your life that was nothing to do with her.

If you opt to rekindle the relationship, how will you feel if she doesn't offer you the apology that you believe is owed to you?

I think you've survived this long perfectly well without her for almost a decade so why now? Does it really matter a lot to you to have her there on your wedding day? I suppose I am quite cynical about people putting themselves under major emotional pressure for the idea of the Big Day being perfect.

And honestly, she sounds deeply unpleasant. You don't owe even your closest friends an explanation of how you conceived your daughter, and I would be very impatient with the kind of small-minded gossipy mentality that leapt to the conclusion that you'd had a ONS and kept the pregnancy from the man, and the frankly loopy mentality that suggests that over-excited four year old girls running about shrieking about boy cooties etc are a sign of Man Hating.

Frankly, she sounds a bit dim and very small-minded. Do you really want that back in your life?

*second chance

Things will never go back to what they were with her imo. Honestly, now time has past you can appreciate the friendship and what you had but unfortunately need to accept that it came to an end. I have friends who came into my life and left for various reasons, some of them hurt and still do... But I try to remember the good times we had when we were close and appreciate that our friendship worked for that time only.

I'd say it was a good time to bury the hatchet (not in her spinal cortex lol). Time passes, people change, life's too short to bear a grudge. I'd call her, meet her for a coffee and see where she's at in life.
At least you'll know you've been the bigger person and won't have any 'what ifs' in the future.

I would not send an invite to the wedding before speaking to her if making up is conditional on an apology, what if she comes and still thinks what she said was justified? Would be very uncomfortable. I would send a letter/text/email, explaining the relevant parts of what you have here and see if she responds. Then take it from there. If she says sorry, great, if she doesn’t reply or sticks with her judgements then at least you can close that door.
Although, the fact that she has left it all this time suggests to me that she thinks she was justified or even that you should be apologising to her for not giving her all the details in the first place. Which I completely disagree with but you should be prepared to not get the answer you want.

She did not respect your right to privacy.

I would be concerned that she would ask around at your wedding to find out about your dd’s parentage, so could be a loose cannon.

You were close friends many, many years ago, but you are not close friends now. Don’t invite her.

For all she knew, you could have been raped and got pregnant. She dealt with it really, really badly. Why couldn't she have arranged to see you on your own and asked if you wanted to talk about it? She made all sorts of assumptions both about you, your child and her own right to know private information.

I think you have this memory of the woman you were friends with and this is what you want now. The fact is you didn't want to confide in her at the time, presumably you won't want to now, and that comes between you.

Why not keep her in your past?

I don't think anyone else can answer this for you...you have to do what you feel is right.

What she said was bang out of order...If you hadn't told me who the father was I would have presumed there was a very good reason (and my imagination would have worked overtime lo!) but if you didn't want to tell me I would have respected that. I'm not surprised you went cool with her.

Do you really want her in your life again? Only you can answer that.