What to do after doing something unforgivable

[duchesswigtower]

Giving some background for context although I feel like it looks like I'm making excuses I'm not trying to.
10 years with dh & what I now know to be fairly constant gaslighting & lies. I had some stresses like lack of sleep caring for elderly parents one with alzheimers , son with Asd, that he convinced me was making me imagine things & that I too was getting early Alzheimers. But after tragically loosing our young nephew in an accident he got really drunk & left his phone unguarded & I went on to text to see if brother in law had got home safely as he had just lost his child & I was worried about his state of mind.
Stuff that probably usually would have been deleted wasn't - looking up local sex workers, text to someone about getting the £3,000 to him in 10 days.
When I asked him the next day he continued to lie until he finally admitted to putting us in serious debt & hiding it from me & what he said was a porn addiction (I think it was much more but he still denies this).
If I had come close to uncovering the truth before he would get aggressive kicking bed I was on, kicking cupboard beside me, putting his head through wall that kind of thing, it scared me but never ever physically hurt me.
Finding out was over 3 years ago & I have never been violent to anyone before or since but I was overcome with rage that he had convinced me I was crazy & was running to all these specialists thinking I had Alzheimer's & depression but it was that he was just lying to me about everything big & small. I did 2 terrible things. I threw a chair in his direction. It didn't hit him but I don't know if I meant it to or not I was so angry. That night I was breastfeeding the baby & he got right in my face saying I was overreacting & what he'd done was normal etc. I couldn't get away & am so ashamed but I hit his arm and head.
For the last 3 years I've been trying to get him to leave. I've gone to counselling (CBT) for my anger problem but she almost dismissed that & concentrated on sorting through other aspects of my life. Sometimes when I apologise he says to not be so ridiculous, that he is a 6ft2 man & I've no strength. Other times he says the reason he's continued lying to me is that he's scared I will abuse him again & brings up these other attacks that never happened & says he's too worried to leave for the children's safety. He also says he'd have to get custody as they wouldn't be safe with me. I went through almost a year of using alcohol to numb my situation but don't drink at all now as I'm not built for it and don't want to go anywhere near that road but I'm sure he would use that as me being a bad parent too.
I often see on here that once one partner lays a hand on the other the advice is leave that it's guaranteed to happen again. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have gone back to my normal self and never would harm another person but am scared that I'd be capable of it. I'm also living a complete lie everyday it's like I'm an actor in a play - if I stick to lines there's harmony all round but he gets so nasty if I so much as hint he's anything other than amazing. He's a very charismatic, do gooder type & highly thought of in our community. He would also get father of the year when out with the kids but ignores them mostly at home.
I've really withdrawn from everyone since this happened along with the grief for my nephew who I was very close to so I'm not so well thought of anymore & if he went for custody I feel he would get a lot of support locally.
I'm so trapped but it's my own fault. All advice welcomed.

I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused both by my ex H and by a member of my family when I was a child.

I am not a violent person but there were times when I could happily have taken a knife to both of them. You husband is very abusive. Suggesting to anyone that their familial Alzheimer's is manifesting in them is disgraceful.

You reacted under extreme stress. I can tell you this though. I have had an eating disorder, tried to commit suicide, had substance and alcohol issues in the past and crippling clinical depression. I've never had anyone come to me and try to suggest I can't parent my children. My ExH mumbled he'd try but it was all words. If you want to leave you can. You have a right to.

Tyrianstoe I'm so sorry for the nasty abuse you suffered. I'd say in your sitaution that 'feeling' of wanting to stab them is a very normal one but yet you never did & you never hurt anyone.
I'm really stuggling with the fact I did lash out. My little boy with asd used to hit & bite when frustrated & couldn't communicate so I'm constantly on to the kids that it's fine to feel angry, sad, frustrated etc but never ever ok to hurt someone's body. And finding ways for him to calm down. And now he can do that. I feel like such a hypocrite. Who am I to be coaching anyone.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. And the reassurance that no one challenged your parenting. My husband would be really motivated by how much he could punish me by taking them off me. And that I would feel a backlash in our small town. He's said as much. He also has a lot of family support so would get endless babysitting like he does when I need to go somewhere.

If you cant get him to leave, do you have anywhere safe to go? He is abusive. You have assaulted him, but taking your account at face value it followed long history of abuse by your DH.

You are not living in a healthy environment for anyone, but especially your DC. Prioritise them. Things will not get better as they are.

dirtybadger thank you - yes I understand what you're saying about taking it at face value as his account would no doubt be very different & lead everyone to tell everyone to take the kids far from his abusive wife.
It's my house owned by me and my brothers who use the granny flat as a holiday home & happy for me to live in it & maintain it so he'd only have a percentage owed to him if he did go.
I could go to my sister until I got a flat & new job etc but it would mean totally uprooting the kids - my ds school is so good & they really get him it would such a gamble to dramatically change things for him when he's doing so well.
But you are right it's not good what we are modelling for them & they can sense my tender hooks when he's around. I feel sick thinking of the impact on their future relationships.
But it's like I'm paralysed by the fear of how he would fight me for them & slur my name as promised - for which I have no defence as it's based in truth & that type of life without my kids could be way worse.

I agree u have reacted under stress. I am ashamed to say I have done the same in the last 2 years due to dh lying about messaging a prostitute apparently I to am mental how dare I not trust him and except him to cut contact with her lol. Well done on getting help I need to cut down my alcohol and am considering individual counselling

I would consider going to your sister's and also contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women with a view to divorcing this man. Have you ever sought legal advice re divorce?.

You have been abused throughout your marriage by this master manipulator (and in all likelihood some red flags were present prior to marriage too). These abusive men can also appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that some people have their own private suspicions about him.

He has done a right number on you over the years and it is of no surprise that you threw a chair at him. Two wrongs do not make a right but in your case you acted like this because you remain for now trapped and coerced because of his abuses of you.

I suppose he also convinced you that you had an anger problem (which your counsellor went onto dismiss concentrating on other areas of your life). BTW what did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

I doubt very much he will at all fight for his children, such men like your H would simply use the children as a further stick to beat you up with. He has no interest in them at all and it will involve work to look after them. He just wants to use them against you because he can and he knows that they are also your Achilles heel.

Do not continue to show your children that on some level this relationship is still acceptable to you. They won't thank you in turn for staying with their dad and you still have a choice re him even now. They do not. You do not want to continue modelling an abusive relationship to them.

I highly doubt when it came down to it he would fight for full custody I think that’s just an idle threat. Plus u have the proof of having has counselling and his behaviour towards u over the years

He might try to get sole residency of the children but courts don't generally tend to completely remove either parent unless there has been or the DC's are at risk if significant harm. All the professionals surrounding children in universal services (such as health visitors, GP's, Schools, Paediatricians etc) would be consulted by the family court and they would comment on your parenting capacity. Social care would be very interested in hearing the reasons why, if your H was so concerned about you, he allowed his children to be looked after you, unsupervised, pretty much all the time? Suddenly deciding you are abusive towards them when the marriage breaks down doesn't make sense does it? My ExH threatened me with the same and guess what? I pointed out that I had asked for support from:

An NHS counsellor
My GP
Domestic Abuse Service
School
Children's Centre
Health Visitor

If I was abusive or an unfit mother why would I be asking for support and opening up my private business to these people? He hadn't asked for help from anyone or voiced concerns to anyone and he suddenly wanted to paint me as an unfit mother? No. He wasn't going to do that. He broke me, as a person, but as a mother. No.

You know the truth duchess. You own the house, you are financially independent, you hold a lot of power. Fuck your standing in the town. Let him try to ruin your reputation, give it right back to him. We can all help.

A very common tactic of abusers is to goad a victim until they feel threatened enough to lash out with a slap or a punch. It's their way of gaslighting you into believing you are the abuser and they are the victim. Don't fall for it!

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have done it when you did, but you did it under a lot of duress and you need to forgive yourself for it, especially when it pales in comparison to the emotional, mental and physical abuse you got constantly.

I lashed out at my ex. He would have me up against a wall and would be screaming abuse at me literally nose to nose, so I pushed him or tried to slap him. I tore myself apart over it and you know what? I shouldn't have. Away from that prick, I'm not a bit aggressive or violent. I've never even shouted at my current partner, let alone pushed him or done anything physically.

I'm sure you'll be the very same when you get away from prickface too. And chances are you'll probably find that your mental health issues will ease off considerably when he's not around to exacerbate the condition.

I've done the same A partner shouting accusations and insults in my face over and over and over again on a daily basis for months on end, ranting and raving about increasingly insane things and behaving in a bullying, aggressive way would ultimately make me snap and slap his face or lash out at his arm. I feel sick with guilt when I think about it. In those particular instances though his response would be to put his hands around my throat which terrified me. So I guess we were as bad as each other, though I do feel I was under extreme stress and provoked.

It doesn't always make you an outright bad person.

Can I ask op what therapy You had for your anger I have never been a violent person I am ashamed of some of the things I have done in anger but at the time I feel driven to it

Thank you for all your replies. I'm sobbing reading them as I've been braced to hear that I am the worse of us in terms of abuse.
Alfiemoon1 I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. Yeah I knew I had to get some control back as he has taken so much and I was further giving control away by drinking. Two things helped me a lot - reading the blogs recommended on the DRY thread here & Jason vales kick the drink. I still have an itch to reach for it when under pressure but it's less & less. I was further strengthened by husband buying me expensive wine for Valentine's Day (I don't think he's bought me anything since pre marriage!) and just see it as his attempt to put me back down that slippery slope.
Atilla no I've never sought legal advice. And yes my parents relationship was awful although my mum was a truly wonderful mother, my father was selfish & abusive and should never had a family. He too was mr charisma & loved by all. I spent from 8 years on trying to convince her to leave him - she briefly did when I turned 18. He did mellow in age & ill health but by that time she had Alzheimer's. Thank you what you say is very true.
Tyrianstoe I do have a lot of contact with school & support staff as well as services due to my sons asd. I've done some asd specific parenting courses like earlybird and my own paid for online one on aha parenting - he has no interest in any of this. Your post is making me think maybe I should talk more to my gp..who knows him well & thinks he's wonderful as they've done some charity work & drama together about why I suddenly stopped thinking I had early onset dementia.
OhCalamity yes when he goes away it is a very different household - it's like we're all lighter & happier. Fair play to you to get away from your ex.
Itsnotjustme that sounds terrifying. It's funny how I blame myself in my situation but reading what you wrote I can totally understand your actions.
Wondering is it possible to get out of this while keeping his ego stroked. That's really all that matters to him when it comes to it. Thinking about it what you're all saying is probably right that he won't want the hassle of the reality of main care for the kids but I really do think he would take it on to get revenge on me if I make him look bad & told anyone how he treats me.

Sorry alfiemoon I missed your post I'm such a slow typer. It was CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).

Thanks will give it a go although I do think my dh would test the patience of a saint at times

At the time I was going & for a good bit after Alfie I felt much more in control of my life & less affected by his moods & obvious lies. He was still behaving in the same way but my reactions were different & it felt good. It was like I was detached from his bullshit.
Even writing this I know I need to go back again as I've slipped back to my old patterns.

It would be his word against yours surely, and after such dreadful treatment you have endured, a few lies is nothing if it means you get him to leave

If your GP is chummy with him it might be satisfying to log your abuse with him. However if he seems dismissive or disbelieving see another doctor. I know they are supposed to be professionals but this is too important to risk being under reported

Thank you tears & downtown - I'm sorry I'm not sure how I missed there were new messages. I did text him apologies at the time which he more than likely held on to so there probably is 'proof'. I also told my counsellor - I don't know if confidentiality holds up when there's a case for abuse.
It will be interesting to see how gp reacts. She's a really lovely person but like most everyone else thinks the sun shines out of him.

Thank you everyone that replied to me on this. I got strength from your advice & husband has finally agreed to move out & that it's over.
Bizarrely his agreement made me rebel against myself a bit and almost totally change my mind and cling on to our dead relationship for about a week! Thankfully I didn't act on it but it was a very strange thing to do to myself!
I need to figure out how to tell the kids and be a bit more robust myself to be able to handle their reaction & care for them.
Especially my wee guy with asd - he's going to find it tough. I'm not ready yet to deal with that though so going to wait a while.
Thanks again for your help.
For anyone else struggling to forgive themselves my friend told me about these talks by Pema Chodron & they are helping a bit when I'm heading for a spiral m.youtube.com/watch?v=sLw5QFaFUgI&feature=youtu.be

Well done OP. I hope you enjoy the peace of your home without him. Very best wishes for the future

well done OP. you may well find that the local community doesn't hold him in as high regard as you think. wishing you a bright and beautiful future

Oh that's so good to hear OP, and well done you!!! You'll be a lovely calm person without him in your life. Here's to a wonderful future for you :)

Well done, Op!

Glad to see you are getting some help - i.e. Pema Chodron.

Also please think about getting a test for STIs.

Onwards and upwards!