Is it possible for relationships to work when there is a big income difference?

[EenaMinaMoe]

Especially when blended families are involved?

Ex and I broke up about a year ago largely due to money pressures. I earn pretty good money (just hit six figures) and he earns nothing like that. Due to disability issues he is only able to work part time and freelance and if he makes a fifth of that, he's doing well.

Ex has a child from a former relationship (ended years before he met me) and pays 25% of his salary in maintenance. When we moved in together his exW wanted the maintainence to go up as she felt it was unfair that she and ex's DD were struggling while he was living in a big house, going on holiday etc. But what that effectively meant was that I was paying (he sometimes couldn't afford to cover bills or groceries at ours because of this) and it made me feel like a cash cow, esp as for the first year of our living together he was still seeing DD at his DM's house as otherwise she wouldn't get to see her DGD, so I didn't really even know his DD.

I got pregnant unexpectedly and that triggered more rows about how we had to ensure the two DC had equal treatment and opportunity. We wound up breaking up over an argument about whether it was fair to set a rule that me and my family could never spend more than a set amount on birthdays and Xmas so both kids got the same level of presents from both sides of the family.

Since we broke up, we've been getting on much better and I keep wondering if I made a mistake. He's lovely with DD, I really like spending time together and we just get on great. He's made a fair few noises about wanting to give things another try. I sort of want to, but I just have no idea how we'd reconcile the money thing going forward.

Sorry if I sound like a wicked stepmother. I never wanted to be. I just didn't want to be taken for a mug either.

I think if you blend families, you have to to an extent blend finances - if you're going to live with somebody then really their kids need to become your kids and yours theirs in many ways. It doesn't really matter who is the higher earner, they need to see the expenses of the kids while they're there (including presents etc) as being part of the household budget which is split accordingly.

Trying to live with separated finances in that situation just isn't going to work.

However, it's not reasonable for the ex to ask for more maintenance because a partner earns more. If for example he'd stepped down his earnings because you were supporting him and he'd taken on more childcare, perhaps there would be an argument for keeping the maintenance at the same level it had been before his income dropped, but if it hasn't changed at all then maintenance doesn't need to change. If she'd gone through CMS or you had questioned it through CMS, they do not take the new partner's income into account UNLESS [s]he earns much less than the non resident parent, in which case the NRP is assumed to be supporting them and may be liable to pay less to their ex.

It sounds like it was more of an ex issue than a finances issue - his ex was unreasonable to suggest that you couldn't spend what you like on Christmas presents. Unfortunately yes it might feel shit for her to have to compare, but that's what happens when you separate - you have to deal with the fact your children have another life somewhere else without you. If she felt it was unfair that the DD didn't get holidays, surely the DD could have been included in family holidays with you, DH and your own DC!

If you're thinking about getting back together I think boundaries need to be drawn with the ex, perhaps with the help of a solicitor so that everything is reasonable and clear.

It isn’t your responsibility to bank role his ex. As long as he pays a fair maintenance and you spend the same in birthdays and Christmas I think that is fair. His ex can better herself to increase her earning potential. If your living together isn’t it shared money anyway as opposed to you thinking your keeping him

Equality doesn't mean equal always.I assume his dd is older so potentially would have more spent on her than a baby.

If you separated over one issue its a lack of compromise on both sides and willingness to see others point of view that is missing.

Yes, I think that's where I kept getting stuck. I wanted it to be shared money, but a bit of my brain kept rebelling against this. That it was shared money but I was some months the only one paying in, and sometimes paying out to support a woman I'd never met - I paid for a new boiler for her, for example (obviously, I didn't want the DD to be cold) - and I sometimes felt exploited.

Ex has said he never meant it that way, but he felt as if he were in an impossible position is either being a shitty father, who wasn't doing everything he could for his daughter or a shitty partner.

We did try and take his DD on holiday with us but that sparked a huge row because exW was going through a bad patch financially and said if we had the money to blow on holidays we could afford to help with a bunch of other things. We ended up doing the family holiday - me, DP and DSD but it caused massive ill feeling.