Orphaned and/or abandoned as a teenager

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Both my parents died when I was a teen, no other family took me in and I was fostered for a short while and then lived independently from the age of 16. I was under council care and seen about once a week or so by a social worker and legally emancipated at 18.

That was in the mid 1980s. I will be 50 this year and I still struggle with the lack of emotional support. I am happily married with 3 kids. Although I did get some therapy over the years nothing really facing everthing that happened at that time as it was too overwhelming. I am now seeing a psychologist who specializes in trauma.

Has anyone also had a similar experience?

no experience but just wanted to say you have done well for yourself to have a partner and three children. take care and look after yourself

My son went through similar but he's been with me since age 15.

You've been through a really shitty time. Can you look for counseling now? You deserve it.

I didn’t want to leave your message unanswered. What a sad and terrible thing to have happened to you as a child.

I lost a parent in my twenties and that was bad enough. You are doing the right thing by seeking therapy.

Thank you.

I would just like to hear from anyone with similar as I usually don't tell people. Only because people see it as a long time ago and seem to have no comprehension of the lifelong affects.

There is a lot of research evidence around the impact.

Look up Child Bereavement Network as a starting point.

My DH lost his mum and dad after long illnesses at 18 and very nearly 20. Only child.

The effects have been lifelong and he didn't ever "know" his parents as in their values, medical history etc. Because of the poor health he left uni and was a carer for his dad.

He is in his 30s now and about the only person alive who remembers his mum and dad which is hard.

You have done amazingly well in your particular circumstances. His silver lining (crass but ykwim) was being left a house which has made our life together financially easier.

Do you have siblings or contact with other family op?

What can be a challenge is when people make negative comments about my lack of career. I actually feel I have achieved a lot, because I am still here and sane and all our kids are doing well and emotionally healthy.

This is not something I would ever say to someone I don't know well though. I just do my best to ignore them or change the subject.

I do have a brother who I get on very well with, he is 2 years younger. My husband is not from the UK so I no longer live there. We have lived in two other countries since we got married. So my brother is thousands of miles away.

Was that due a lack of being able to bounce ideas around or a lack of safety net or poor MH? DH did not fulfil his potential in exams due to the situation. That isn't uncommon but seems unfair when his parents were supportive and nurturing and prioritised education. He could have been a real high flier but he may not have met his lovely wife () had life been different.

Many many people do not have careers and your adolescence was cruelly cut short. You do not need to feel ashamed.

Not the same, but I lost my father when I was six and it’s had a huge impact on my life. It’s funny, as up to the age of about twenty-five I’d have said it had no effect, as it was the situation I grew up in so I knew no different, but I then realised how terribly wrong I was.

I’ve had counselling, which helped to some extent, but I know fine well my life would be totally different had he not died.

And I’m with you on the lack of emotional support. My mother had her, and my much older sister‘, grief to deal with at the time and I think I just dealt with my own. It’s lead to me growing up keeping a lot of stuff under wraps, which really isn’t healthy.

Time thank you for posting. Yes I am very stoic, really you have no choice when you had noone to share feelings with at the worst time. There was no counseling of any kind for me as a teen.

I did actually go to Uni in my early 20s as a Mature Student (I think I was 23 when I started?) After working for a few years. I was accepted purely on a essay they asked me to write. I went to Sussex and got a 2.1.

I had no parent effectively when my DM moved in with my SD when I was 11. He was abusive in every way possible. I learned to shut it out, not the best strategy given my mental health now, but the best at the time.

I now have a wonderful relationship with DH, who knows all about it, and 3 x DC's who are the best ever. They are clever, handsome, beautiful, and confident in a way I never was.

I think it was my DH demnstration of what father should be that ade the difference.

Movable bloody good for you. That's no mean feat.

I'm so pleased you have your brother and a good relationship with him. Sorry you were let down and not given counselling or support back when it happened but good for you for seeking it now.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do

Moveable - I’m figuring it must have been the 80s, which is the same for me. I remember asking my mother a few years ago why I’d never had counselling at the time, and her reply was that it wasn’t seen as an option for children then. You probably fell into the same boat, as it were.

She never talks about my father, or rather, the rare times she does she only has negative things to say about him, but she never offers up information about him, and I’m not in touch with his family at all. My relationship with my sister is non-existent, so I can’t go there, either. Are you able to talk about your parents with your brother at all? Did you stay together after they died, or were you fostered apart? I imagine that would have been very difficult, if so.

Hi Moveable. My parents both died when I was a child. Dad was technically my stepdad, but no one told me that until I was about 17. He was the man who brought me up from when I was little. (But I had kind of worked it out!) Still no idea of who my bio dad is.

My little brother I were raised by my dads sister and BIL from age 12, and they have always treated me like one of theirs. But, I do occasionally still feel a little like I don’t belong, that they cant possibly love me or value me like their own, that their other grandkids will be loved more than my DC, etc. That all seems natural and to be expected to me, but i still feel sad about it.

Anyway, not sure what advice, etc. you need, but just thought I’d give a quick reply.

You’ve come through a shitload, you’re still standing, and you’ve made the best of things. Plenty of people with the perfect upbringing can’t even say that. So be proud, I say. X