(I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all off my chest!)
So, a bit of background - I've been with my bf for 8 years (i'm 27, he's 25) I was in a very abusive relationship prior to him which left me riddled with mental health issues. My boyfriend has been a great support to me over the years, despite the turbulence (and at times heartbreak) and I have always done my best to support and love him too.
A few months ago he and I 'broke up' temporarily (for about 2 weeks) and have since decided we still want to be together. We still have some problems to deal with but generally we're good.
My problem is that recently I've been finding it hard to deal with his mother and thinking about a future with her in the picture makes me really anxious!
When I first started dating my bf I knew almost immediately she wasn't my biggest fan. The first time I properly spoke to her many years ago, she essentially told me off and the few comments that got back to me (I imagine there were more!) implied she did not necessarily view me as.. suitable for her son, at least during the first part of our relationship.
I tried not to take it personally and tried to understand her perspective (maybe she saw my mental health as a red flag, maybe she saw us argue, maybe she had a fixed idea of he son's partner/future) but over the years the little signs here and there (which would probably sound petty to list) and my gut instinct, have made me doubt her genuine-ness towards me.
Most recently, I noticed that his mum deleted me of facebook, about a day after we 'broke up'. I know it sounds silly, but I couldn't help but feel like it was 'too quick' & as though she couldn't wait to get rid of me! Again, I've tried not to take it too personally.
During the first few years of our relationship my bf was still living with his parents until they kicked him out which is something i've never been fully been able to reconcile with or understand. I know part of this is just different personalities and opinions clashing i.e. i come from a large and laid-back family who 'discipline' in very different ways, but at the time my bf was essentially left homeless, to which they didn't seem to care at all, and my family supported him financially and gave him a home. After a few months, my bf got a place of his own, which my mum went down as guarantor for and helped fund the deposit. It's so hard not to feel a bit of resentment towards this still today - at the time I felt strongly that it was wrong of them to cut him off the way they did & I feel like they massively contributed to a lot of set-backs & a difficult start to his adult life - to our adult life together.
I'm really not a financially motivated person and I don't expect, especially as adults, to be receiving hand-outs, but on principal, my mum is a single parent with little money but has always been willing to support us as a couple to get set up in life etc. yet his parents (who are very well-off) have always been very reluctant to help monetarily and any time they have it's been expected to be paid back. I suppose I find it a clash of.. values and it does go against the grain for me. But mostly I view it as an indication of their support for us as a couple.
My main problem though, is the stories my bf has told me about his childhood and how abusive his mother was towards him. His mum once choked him out of anger, simply because he stepped on her toe or something equally trivial, and I know she hit him before this too. She appears (admitted by my bf too) very emotionally unstable at times and yet at the same time my bf seems to really respect her wisdom, often over mine, and can be very defensive over her (which I do understand). It's like she has two sides, and you never know which one will show its face. I worry that she is manipulating him sometimes by using guilt and her emotions to get the relationship with him she wants. She is regularly overbearing. He often expresses his belief that he 'owes her'. Frustrating because I think she owes him, if anything.
He wants me to be more a part of his family and talks about how much his mum and me have in common and how much she wants to get to know me..
The problem is I just don't know if I really want to know her.. and I don't know what this means for our future. If we have kids in the future - how would I feel about letting them spend time alone with her? How much of this should I tell my boyfriend, how much should I keep to myself? I'm scared he won't accept how I feel about her, and won't accept a future where I'm not as involved as he would like. I also don't want to upset him or make him feel like I'm judging him or his family.. but I can't help but feel 'triggered' whenever he talks about his mum. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar, or have any insight on how growing up with a parent like that could affect a child? Surely this has affected my bf psychologically? It makes me upset to think that she has and that he still respects her the same regardless.. that doesn't seem healthy to me.