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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone finally understand their mum, now they're mums themselves?

44 replies

Luxmum · 03/05/2007 08:33

Heya, just was wondering, me and my siblings always gave out about how our mum NEVER relaxes, how if she had an spare minute she's always cleaning, or gardening, or making food from scratch like jams and chutneys and breads, and the only time she seems to relax is when she falls asleep on the sofa watching Casualty.. Now I thought it was just her being high strung (which to a degree it is) but now I have my own child, I realise that you have so little time to yourself that when they're finally asleep at 8pm, you just have to make the most of it and do everything, all the chores and anything else you want to do, all in a few hours. And maybe you get so used to rushing around, it becomes instinct. I just feel a bit bad for the constant slagging we give her, now I know how she managed with us all. I feel much more appreciateive of her and how she brought is up, now I realise how hard it is myself. Anyone else suddenly realise their mums are great?

OP posts:

lissielou · 12/05/2007 16:57

not at all. my mum allowed my stepdad to physically abuse me on a regular basis. told me i was getting fat when i weighed 4st (i was 13) and hospitalised.

BUT i still see her and need her praise. shes said some awful things about my mcs and ep, but if she says something nice i feel like my heart'll explode

FloatingOnTheMed · 12/05/2007 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaMaiasaura · 12/05/2007 17:05

YEs and feel very for some of the shit i pulled.

Absolutely rate and respect her. She didnt get it all right and she never claimed too. I love her so much, simply for the wonderful, strong and inspiring woman she is.

Pruni · 12/05/2007 17:12

Message withdrawn

cheekymonk · 12/05/2007 17:14

Reading some of these makes me feel so sad. I feel that the least we owe children as adults and parents is a happy childhood. I struggle with being a mum and find it hard but the moment when ds sang baa baa black sheep in bed will always make me smile. How much and how hard he hugged me today- these things remind me of the joy of being a mummy as well as the sheer bloody hard work!!
Yes I understand my mum more and am sorry for the heartache I caused her.

NAB3 · 12/05/2007 17:16

I understand my mother even less now I have children. If that is possible.

McDreamy · 12/05/2007 17:16

No I understand her less too. She was beyond strict when my brothers and I grew up, never really talked to us about issues. Standard answers were no, because I say so, we'll see and anything i did was never good enough. She has taught me how not to talk to my children. I really do get on with her though, she is a fantastic grandmother, I just wish she was more like she is now when we were younger.

glassslipper · 12/05/2007 17:16

No. She left us.

McDreamy · 12/05/2007 17:17

paulaplumpbottom · 12/05/2007 17:18

So Sorry GS

glassslipper · 12/05/2007 17:19

No need for . Probably best thing she could of done tbh as my Dad is great.

If you have a good one, then they are worth weight in gold.

twelveyeargap · 12/05/2007 17:20

Nope. I think she's even more crackers than I used to.

PregnantGrrrl · 12/05/2007 19:32

i understand mine less TBH. She was fab when i was a kid, but i seem to be bottom of her list of priorities, and have been for years. i can't imagine ever being that way with DS.

VoodooMama · 12/05/2007 19:33

still no, actually,

Jomist · 12/05/2007 19:36

Before I became a parent I made a conscious decision not to be like my mother was with me and my sister. I would never want to put my dcs through what she put us through growing up. She was a lousy mother and no better as a grandmother. In fact my dcs see it as a punishment if I take them to see her.

I'll never be like her, never.

harrisey · 12/05/2007 20:13

No. I have less sympathy for her now. When I was 12, my sister 10and my brother was younger than my ds is now (dd1 is 7, ds5, dd2 is 3) my Mum walked out on us and went to live with my Dad's best friend. She left on the Monday after Mother's Day. My kids dont know, but I have terrible trouble celebrating that with them - I have a box of chocs they gave me in March I havent quite got round to opening .....

I have no understanding of how she could have done this. My dh is a fabulous dad, and an amazing husband who I have no intention of ever leaving, but if I was there is NO WAY I would leave my kids. He would look after them as well, if not better than me but there is still no way I could be without them.

But my mum (and I know she occasionally stalks me here so hi there mother, learn the truth!!) chose her own hapiness over her children, she chose to be with another man over having her kids with her (we were 12, 10 and 4 at the time).

A couple of years ago I went though some serious psychotherapy to deal with my drug-resistant PND. The psychiatrist (who was a real gem and it is largely down to him that I am so well, off all medication and no longer recurrently attempting suicide - been well for 2 years now!!) said he had never heard of a mother doing this and subsequently (as my mother did) asking her 14 year old daughter to decide whether she should give up the custody battle - then quickly caving in before court and accepting a payoff from my Dad (who is amazing) to drop her custody battle.

I have suffered from depression and recurrent psychiatric/psychological problems ever since my Mum left us. I am no closer to understanding today why she chose this path. I am lucky to have a wonderful Dad and Stepmum who have supported me through the problems I have had coping with this, and of course an amazing dh who has been able to learn to understand why I have found it so hard to look on myself as a great mum.

I am a great Mum. My mother was crap. I still dont get it.

ScaryHairy · 12/05/2007 20:18

Around the time my daughter was born I read an interview in one of the colour supplements. The interviewee said that when her daughter was born she realised she loved her baby more than her baby would ever love her back, and that made her feel sorry for her own mother. For the first time, she realised how intensely her mother must have loved her, and how little regard she had for that.

I have a great relationship with my mother, but I think that this applies for us too. I am besotted with my daughter, but take my mother for granted, just as my daughter will do me. It sort of sounds a bit sad, but it isn't. As far as I can see it is just about loving your child unconditionally because they are a part of you; it would be unfair to expect that sort of devotion back.

GColdtimer · 13/05/2007 08:53

harrisey, that is really sad. I hope you continue to come to terms with what your Mum did and that one day you will be able to celebrate mothers day with your own dc.

ruty · 13/05/2007 09:34

i definitely have more sympathy for her now. i now realise how much pressure she was under, much more than i am [4 children/house full of needy adults/job] and that is was extremely hard for her to cope. I cannot tell her now tho because she has dementia. I am however determined to make sure my ds never feels unloved or rejected as i sometimes did.

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