How to help someone

[Karigan1]

I’m going to try to keep this short: I know a woman who a few years back starting fooling around with a married guy.

When I say fooling around I mean no sex as in penis in vagina but everything up to that point as far as I can tell.

At least once a month she tells me how much she loves him and then once a month says what does he want as he’s not spoken to her for several days/weeks. Then she’s happy again because he’s talking to her again.

I’ve tried saying why would you let yourself be treated like this dump him. I’ve tried saying he’s never going to leave the wife dump him. I’ve tried saying that putting all that focus on this married guy is leaving her unavailable for something that might work.

All I get back is that she loves him and she doesn’t want anyone else.

I’m at a loss what to say/do now. I can’t stand cheaters and think the guys penis should be chopped off as it is. Any bright ideas?

Let her get on with it.
She's a big girl and she has to make her own mistakes.
Just tell her that you do not want to hear about it anymore.
That topic is off the table when you meet up and if she starts talking about it you will shut it down or walk away.
Some people do NOT want to be helped.
They love the drama and being the 'victim'
She'll learn. When she's hitting 50 with no kids and no hope of anyone on the horizon!
Then you can say 'I told you so'
But keep quiet until then.

Let her crack on.

If you don't wanna hear tales of a nasty affair just say that. Tell her you enjoy being her friend but don't want to hear about her affair any more.

And recognise that you can't change someone else's actions and behaviour. Only they can. At the minute she's getting enough from this to make it worthwhile, so she'll keep doing it. If a day comes where the negatives outweigh the positives she will end it. It's very freeing in life to stop worrying about how to control someone else's actions.

She doesn't want your help, what's unclear about that?

To be fair I’d prefer to leave it alone but she keeps coming to me about it and don’t know what to say anymore. I’d like to go with the first option of saying I don’t want to but I don’t like leaving people struggling alone.

She comes to you because you are her willing audience. You need to urgently raise your boundaries a lot higher with regards to her also. She is acting of her own free will here and you cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be helped. Address too why you do not like leaving people struggling alone through counselling if necessary; I say that because you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

but I don’t like leaving people struggling alone
Eh?
She's leaving HERSELF struggling.
You've told her in plain English, in plenty of ways, that this won't end well.
You need to make it very clear to her.
'I don't think you should be part of this affair. But you continue to sabotage yourself and your life for this cheating wanker. So from now on I do NOT want to hear about it. You can come to me and we can talk, but NOT about this. This is now off of the table, until you need support when you properly end it.'
Job done!