cant shake feeling off wife i unto something help!

[trytobebestdad]

really struggling with my marriage at present and dont know what i can do, think i may need to start therapy
essentially since i bought my wife texting another man in October i have become convinced she has slept with someone else/is seeing another man

its really affecting our relationship now and I dont know how to move forward

for example tonights episode, came in after a weekend away and found
1 valentines day flowers (not from me)
2 she had worn her "sexy underwear the past few days" as opposed to her normal spanx!
3 she had lied about where she went on monday night (i found a parking receipt in her car window)
4 had bought a new razor to shave her legs (she doesn't do that very often)
problem is i jumped to conclusions that she had ben unto something, again this resulting in a big argument, despite her having a good explanation for each of the events above.

This though is just an example of quite a few episodes since october where I have had these doubts resulting in horrible arguments.
(had one a few weeks ago where she wouldn't let her phone out of her sight and deleted her messenger apps when she let my son play with it) coupled with her having to work and stay overnight at work unexpectedly.

the problem is im not sure how to shake this paranoia off, i had spoken about it with her and she assures me she is not having an affair, essentially if i dont believe her I should just leave. Ive suggested things eg tonight can i just look at your phone messages for reassurance but she says no as its an invasion of her privacy

anyone else been in this situation would gladly want help as to how to get over this.

the funny thing i have been very relaxed in the past about this sort of thing but worried im turning into a paranoid controlling husband, as i say anyone in the situation before where convinced thier partner has had an affair and cant shake it I would value your help

Were the texts to the man in October inappropriate as in an emotional affair? If so, then your wife has broken your trust and it is understand that her behaviour now is causing you concern. If she did have an EA she should understand this and be doing evetuthing to help rebuild your trust. If she doesn't want to do this then I am sorry but your relationship is already over.

Sorry i meant to say, it isn't paranoia if she has already broken your trust. What are the details around the texting in October? Did she tell you or did you catch her out and has she stopped? Just trying to understand to give better advice.

Sounds like she is cheating

It all sounds deeply sus to me too, so I wouldn't necessarily call it paranoia.

How bad were these texts?

essentially in october lots of facebook messages to another guy very flirtatious suggesting he took the day off work to spend it with her etc, i called her out on it, apparently it was all joking flirting in order to get back at his girlfriend and not anything serious, as she says i wasn't meant to find them so i wouldn't have known about them so wouldn't have upset me so my own fault for finding them

No try this isn't you. Had the man responded in an equally flirty way? Do you they had met or are stikl in contact. Her story is crazy. What woman would deliberately message to help make a gf jealous. It sounds like she was having or on her way to an EA. What made you check her messages?

She is having an affair imo. I would get my ducks in a row and leave. I'm so sorry you're going through this and please don't start to think it's your paranoia as you have seen her texts in black and white . This person is no good for you

Sounds like she's playing mind games with you.....

Are you paranoid because you ARE controlling and losing control or are you paranoid because your gut instinct Is screaming at you !?

to get back at his girlfriend and not anything serious

Would you actually want to be with someone who thought like this?

Trust your instincts - from what you've said about her behaviour and her hiding things, I think it is almost certain she's having an affair. Even if it's "just" an Emotional Affair.

Only you can set your own boundaries for what is acceptable for you in a relationship. Letting those boundaries be crossed and then letting those boundaries slip backwards is dangerous place to be because those very same boundaries will be pushed further and further back if you don't stay true to yourself and say "enough is enough"

You've asked for opinions here and you've got them. Her behaviour crosses so many boundaries.

I would never consider being in a relationship with someone that was trying to get back at someone else's girlfriend. If she's willing to do that, she's be willing to do so much more - to you!

You are not paranoid

OP I mean this in the nicest way but wake up and stop being a mug. Your marriage is dead. Your marriage has been dead for a long time. Please go and read your own thread entitled "can marriage survive with no sex?" from November last year and re-read everything you told us there. I'm not going to list it all but even in your opening post you told us she was pushing for you to spend more time out of the house and to flirt with other women! Seriously? You think that's reasonable normal behaviour in a relationship?

You were advised then that your wife was taking the piss and that this marriage was dead in the water. You'd already tried counselling and said that didn't work.

You're not paranoid, you're just refusing to accept the reality that has been staring you in the face for months and months (if not longer) and your wife is too gutless to actually tell you to her face that she's done with this and is hoping you'll finally take the extremely unsubtle hints she's ensured you can find.

Seriously trytobe, this is over. See a solicitor, gets your finances in order and get out.

I agree with all PPs but would just like to say your wife is allowed to wear her best knickers and shave her legs without it meaning anything. My partner conditioned me to think twice if I wanted to wear nice knickers just to do the school run, or wear makeup or perfume when i went out as those things would make him question where I had been or who I was with and he was convinced I was cheating. Just because of a bit of makeup?? Maybe your wife wanted to feel less mumsy and pop on her best things, or finally got the chance to shave her legs. You have the right to be suspicious about your other points however getting mad at her for basic self-care is not healthy for either of you

Thongs not things

IMHO you are right to be suspicious.

As PP have said it's time to front up, get everything in order, and leave. no one deserves to be treated like this.

Hope you get our as cleanly, and with as much dignity, as possible.

I rarely comment on posts but having read your previous one too, you need to end things. This woman is looking for the next best thing. Its is just a matter of time. Sorry

It is NOT paranoia!
Stop listening to her bullshit!

Well she's clearly CLEARY CLEARLY cheating on you.
So what now????
Firstly, get some good cleaning products and scrub the word 'doormat' off of your forehead!
For your own sanity and dignity you need to end this charade.
She is taking you for a mug and you are letting her.
You know what's going on.
You only have to re-read your OP to see it as clear as day!

Get to a solicitor and see what separation and divorce would look like.
Do you have DC together?
Own a house together?

I am in a very similar position myself. OH swears blind that nothing is going on after I found some 'innocent' texts and makes me feel paranoid if I mention anything.
Lack of affection at home, lots of time on phone and lots of unplanned- have to stay late meetings. It is exhausting and I really have had enough and would have gone already if it were not for the DC.

She is almost cheating. Do you have any access to her phone all?

What messagaging app does she use?

Anyway I’d call her out on it an leave.

The fact that she is saying its your fault for finding the texts confirms to me that you need to LTB