What’s the best way to help my friend?

[chestylarue52]

My friend just came round for tea and I’m really sad. She has a 3 month old baby and I haven’t seen her much since she was born. I work away a lot and assumed they were having family time or wouldn’t want to be disturbed in the evening.

She texted me asking if she could come over last week and we arranged today. She has confided she is really finding things tough and the baby cries a lot and she feels really lonely and trapped (her partner is pleasant but a bit feckless).

I asked what I can do to help and she said if I can have the baby while she sleeps for a few hours which I totally can do, once a fortnight or so, for half a day, which just doesn’t seem sufficient but it’s all I can manage as I work long hours.

Any other ideas? I’m time poor but I have quite a lot of money, I considered offering to pay for a cleaner a few hours for her but is that just patronising? Can I send her food?

What’s the right thing to do? I feel sad I didn’t notice she was struggling - 12 weeks in my life is not a long time but obviously her world has turned upside down and I’ve not been there 😐

I think she'd probably bite your hand off if you offered to pay for a cleaner! A one-off blitz-the-whole-house treat would be fantastic.

Tell her to come on here, too, to talk to other new mums.

And suggest she goes to a number of toddler groups - I thought you couldn't go until the baby was walking, but you can! I found great support there and went to about three a week until I met a good group of friends.

I like the one off house blitz too, along with a hamper of her favourite things. It will make her feel loved and that she still counts.

And btw OP you sound so very kind. What a lovely friend you are.

I’m wondering if she would have a few hours of a mother’s help type person?

What a lovely friend you are. Give her what time you do have and just keep in constant touch with her, asking how she's getting on etc.
I don't think the cleaner is patronising at all - I'd snap your hand off. What a lovely thought.

Have a look at the MN local for your area - if it's active, could you encourage her to join in?

You sound like a kind friend. Anything you do would be appreciated, I'm sure.

Love the idea of some vouchers for somewhere like Cook - healthy and pop in the oven type meals.

I'd probably ask her about anything else like a cleaner - I'd hate someone else in my house/space.

You sound amazing OP. If one of my friends offered a cleaner for a few hours & to have baby for a few hours when she could so I could sleep I'd be so so happy

You sound like a great friend.
A cleaner is a fantastic idea.

You sound a lovely person. A few hours sleep and a clean house will make your friend feel like a new woman.

Definitely a one of blitz rather than a regular thing though. She will be pleased i’m Sure

Going against the grain, I personally would feel a bit patronised by a cleaner or anything else that's obviously costs you money. It suggests that you know she can't afford those things herself, and I would've hated a stranger in my home during the early baby months.

You've asked what she needs and she's told you : an occasional afternoon to herself.

In between, check in with her, text to ask about her day. If you have time to pop round, take her a lasagne or something that she can reheat.

It won't last long because it'll get easier for her, especially when she starts talking to other mothers in the same position - on here, toddler groups and so on.

A cleaner may or may not be a good idea. Your OP doesn't indicate whether that's something she needs. She's lonely and tired. Her Home may be perfectly clean.

I used to drop off savoury muffins, clean my friends house, take the baby for a couple of hours and make dinner once a week for my friend. Which she appreciated because she needed that particular help.

Whereas I have a cleaner and if I didn't I could afford one, so it wouldn't be the same treat for me.

You need to think about your particular friend. Babysitting once a fortnight is great.

Can you text/FaceTime her more to help with loneliness? Are you part of a group of friends? Could you encourage them to go round as well?

What about paying for a babysitter?

Dropping off nice food is a good one. Anything that requires her to organise drop offs etc. Not so good.

Has she had chance to get out and make friends with other mums? That is what really turned things around for me. I started a baby massage course and it was great because it wasn't a pressurised situation where you had to sit and make conversation but we naturally started chatting and getting out of the house made me feel human again. If you could find something like that for her to go to and maybe go with her to the first one if she isn't comfortable going on her own?

(They can also be quite expensive so buying the sessions as a gift might be nice.)

Btw you sound like a lovely friend !

I can no way know the sitUation as I don't have kids and my friends have been 'ok' etc. But I find small gestures go a long way when someone's feeling down. It doesn't always need to be something that is directly associated with the situation. A bunch of supermarket flowers, an unexpected moon pig card with a heartfelt message, a cooked meal, things that are deemed 'small' can make a massive impact. And although is isn't a 'practical' help it can make the world of difference!

Even if you could cook a meal that can be heated/ place her shopping order (not that you have to pay for it, it takes time to go through lists etc), just give her one less thing to do. Do a load of washing and/or Ironing.

Think outside the box. Btw, you sound like an amazing true friend, so hats off to you OP.

Im not sure about a cleaner. If someonw did that for me Id be a bit "wtf". Mostly because cleaning isnt a big priority for me so it'd seem like a waste. Although you know your friend so she may love it!

I like the hamper idea. It feels more like a thoughtful gift than a hand out type of thing.

Buy her a lush box, have the baby for a few hours and she can have a lovely bath and snooze? Or some home baked/cooked goods (if youre good at that). I would be absolutely bloody over the moon if, for example, someone brought around a curry or a pizza for me so I didnt have to cook one night.

Damn now I wish I was your friend, cus I would love any friends to do this for me!

May I say, you ALL sound lovely.

I’m remembering back to those first months and wishing I’d had a friend like this (or known about MN).

All I can add is to keep telling her (even a quick daily text?) that’s she’s doing just fine, and that it will get easier. And that you’re proud of her, and honoured that she confided in you.

So many new mums put on a brave face but are spiralling downwards inside. At least when they let the mask slip, there’s a chance to help them and rally the troops.

Is Home Start in your area?
It's a national charity where volunteers visit families with under 5s who are a bit overwhelmed and support them.

Volunteers are parents and know how it feels. Sometimes just a listening ear is all some people need.

If she feels isolated, knowing someone is going to turn up for a couple of hours every week can be helpful.

Thank you for all the advice.

No she didn’t specifically mention cleaning, maybe I’m just projecting as my house is a shit tip

Hamper is a lovely idea I’ll definitely do that

I don’t feel like an amazing friend I feel like I’ve failed her, at least I know now and I can do something about it.