MILs behaviour- all over the place

[scrappymeerkat]

I'd really appreciate some advice on this one, MIL has been difficult for a majority of the time I've known her, I'm always trying to rise above it because I don't want any conflict with family. She's always found it difficult to cut the cord with DH so to speak, especially since his sister moved overseas. I've always encouraged him to go out and have coffees regularly with her, so that he's had plenty of one to one time with her. He's pretty forgetful with returning calls and texts and I'm always the one prompting him to call MIL and see how she is, I've never tried to come between them or stop any contact whatsoever, quite the opposite.

There have been lots of issues since DD arrived as she wants to see her all the time, which is lovely but we also really need family time after working long hours all week. MIL has said she wants to go out for a meal to celebrate DH's birthday and he said "no thanks, I'd rather spend the day with DD and DW to be honest with you, I've been looking forward to our day out for so long." She then cried and apparently it's somehow all my fault, she's been very frosty with me since we'd still see her on his birthday weekend so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about.

She's taken great pleasure in telling me yesterday that he won't get any birthday present off her this year which I know he's an adult and shouldn't expect anything but it will hurt his feelings, as his sister's given tons of cash all the time which has always made him feel a bit like shit and got a very expensive gift a month ago for her birthday.

The main reason DH says that he doesn't want to go for a meal is because I have bad pregnancy sickness at the moment (which she knows about) which if I even get myself out to the meal, it's guaranteed that I will vomit at least once, I'm secretly happy he's said this because I'd hate to be around all sorts of food smells right now and I'm so exhausted past 7pm.

I don't want to upset MIL but I also don't want DH to be upset. Doesn't help that DH spent weeks making and spending a fortune on a present for FIL's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Do I tell her it will hurt his feelings? Do I ignore her message? Do I just pretend none of this has happened and go back to vomiting down the toilet for the tenth time today?!

If you've made it this far, I'd appreciate any advice!

Personally I would block her number. Leave dh to deal with her.

I think you should step back a bit from it
Let your husband manage his contact and relationship with her, stop reminding him to contact her. She sounds very difficult so its understandable if you do want to distance yourself from all the drama.

Yeah in this situation you will be able to do no right. There is nothing you can do. Minimal contact without overtly being rude but keep things brief i.e. answer direct questions but offer nothing else. I had a similar issue with MIL when DD was born and DH had to sit her down and explain to her that it wasn't fair that she was constantly texting and calling me and expecting to see DD every weekend as we needed the time to bond as a family. She was upset for a while but when she went to bitch about us to other family they agreed with us and also told her to back off. She's still irritating (oh its been 17 days since I've seen her and it makes me want to cry etc) but definitely better.

Your DH needs to be clear and blunt I'm afraid. She might push back but there's no continuing as you are. Good luck, and I hope the sickness eased off soon (the only the that vaguely helped me were travel sickness wrist bands)

I think I would take a gentle step back from her. She shouldn't need it explained to her about his feelings, it's obvious.

I would reply to her message about getting DH no present along the lines of 'gosh I'm surprised after what you bought SIL last month. I hope DH's feelings aren't too hurt but it's your decision'. Don't engage any more than you have to and don't show any sign that you're bothered by her being rude to you but just make it clear that it drives DH further from her.

Oh yes and definirely stop encouraging your DH to contact her!

Following on from amatree - "no present? That's a shame. We'll not bother coming over then as his birthday means so little, see you whenever"

There's a reason why his sister moved overseas as well; that was done in all likelihood as well to get away from her mother. And not it is not lovely at all that she wants to see your child all the time; its obsessive behaviour on her part and it may well be that she wants to play mum to your child.

Stop too with the prompting of DH to phone her; this is not a normal family you are dealing with here. Its also not your job at all to manage their relationship. The tears from her are manipulative in nature and your DH seems to have more of a measure of her.

Emotionally healthy people do not turn on the waterworks for effect nor do they at all behave like his mother have done. I would further curtail all forms of contact with her actually. Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) with such a person.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of stuff is thankfully unknown, your DH has not been so fortunate here.
I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

There is already conflict here and she is the one who has caused it.

Whatever you do it’s going to be the wrong thing I expect. I’d probably just reply “that’s a shame” and leave it at that. If you say anything else she’ll probably kick off and say you’re attacking her. If you say nothing then she’ll accuse you of cutting her out of your lives when she’s done nothing wrong.

Ultimately it’s a problem your DH has to resolve, not you. Your best bet is to not react I think.

Is this why SIL moved abroad? She’s incredibly high maintenance! She’s lucky that your DH hasn’t emigrated too! Could you suggest to your DH for him to have a word with FIL to suggest she starts filling her time with stuff other than interfering and dramarama. Does she work? Volunteer? She needs to be occupied I’d say. She’s too entrenched in your lives. I’m pretty close to my family and I still only see them on average once a month but there’s rarely any pressure apart from Christmas. Crying over his birthday is really weird. I can’t remember the last time I saw my parents on my birthday. I want to spend it having fun with my kids not doing family chore meal! Back off from engaging with her. Let her have her dramas on her own time. You all need to stop mollycoddling her really. She could also probably do with seeing a counsellor. She’s got issues!

Don’t get too involved, let your husband deal with his mother. Othewise you will end up being the bad one. My MIL has got the message after she tried to be difficult a few times and I just ignored it or told her it’s nothing to do with me. I would go as far as saying that I like her now 😊

Stop trying so hard to please her.
Let your DH deal with it all.
You have enough on your plate right now.
Concentrate on you and ignore her.

I agree with @Angelf1sh.

Thank you all for your replies! I think you're right I am definitely trying too hard with her. I can see through it sometimes and I think she's just a bit lonely as FIL is always off doing his own thing and she doesn't have many friends, so I do feel a bit sorry for her, even when she's being demanding. But then it's not my problem.

I agree that she probably is being manipulative, her reaction was like something from a soap opera. I had to leave the room because I was getting nervous laughter that I had to hide, it was extremely uncomfortable to witness.

I've spoken to DH and he said to leave it because she'll want me to bite. He said that he can't be bothered to see them on his birthday weekend anyway, as she'll only go on about it and I agree.

We'll see how this goes hopefully I won't get any knocks at the door unannounced.

Thanks again everyone, you've made me feel much better about it.

FIL is always off doing his own thing and she doesn't have many friends

Ever wonder why?

So I've had a text this afternoon after I ignored the last text. In this message she's asking lots of questions with ?? After every sentence! Then telling me that she's selling lots of her nice clothes because they are too good for the charity shop and she can't wait to go on a shopping spree.

She's really pissing me off now, is she delusional or being a cow on purpose? I want to say something, but trying to rise above it!!!

Delete and block is my advice.

She wants you to bite. Keep on ignoring her! It's obviously driving her mad that you haven't responded.

I can see why your FIL is off doing his own thing all the time, its to get away from his wife. I would not let him off the hook here entirely here however as he has failed to protect his son and in turn you as his DIL from the excesses of her behaviour. He is a weak bystander of a man who is acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He would rather have his son and you as his wife thrown under the bus.

Do not respond at all to her texting you, maintain radio silence. Its the response that such disordered of thinking people want, that to them is the reward. I would have her number blocked also.

What does your H think of his parents behaviours, particularly that of his mother?. How much does he default to child mode in her presence, is he afraid of her and unable to stand up for himself?.

There is also good reason why people like your H's mother do not have any friends. Its because they have been driven all away and besides which such people do not care for or want friends in any case. Its all about them, they see people as bit part players with them being at the centre of their own universe.

If she does knock at your door do not let her in.

Would she normally contact you by text to “chat”?

If so then I’d respond politely to the questions, but if not then I’d completely ignore. Personally I wouldn’t block her number just in case there’s an emergency (unless she’s a permanent cow, in which case I wouldn’t hesitate!)