Cold feet and not sure why!

[BabetteAteOatmeal]

I’ve been in a new relationship for about 8 months now, the first one since leaving my violent ex husband two years before that. I had counselling and felt ready to date again. My new BF is lovely, very different from my Ex. He is pleasant and respectful, cares about my pleasure sexually, has good ethics, is solvent and intelligent. I felt I was really falling for him. My friends have all been positive about him, recently I started to meet his family and introduced him to my kids, who like him.

Just this week I’ve had a bit of a wobble about the relationship, and it’s difficult to put my finger on why. Partly I think it was the fact that BF can be quite shy and awkward in social situations, we were out and bumped into an acquaintance and he struggled to engage and I felt almost ashamed, though probably because the acquaintance is quite gossipy and I could imagine her giving a negative account of him. To be fair he hasn’t been like this when meeting my friends so it might have been an off moment. BF is generally quite ‘geeky’ in appearance and personality, and a shallow part of me has issues with that - but surely this shouldn’t matter much?

However I do have form for really poor choices in relationships and although I can’t pinpoint why I have suddenly developed cold feet, I’m aware that I’ve ignored red flags in the past so hoping you can advise me. Maybe it is a feeling of having suddenly got in quite deep after previously thinking I would spend my life alone. Somehow I now feel a bit trapped, like I’ve got more serious than I intended, and couldn’t get out now without hurting BF and causing upset to my kids. Though I’m not sure why I would want out. Am I overthinking and panicking for no good reason?

What attracted you to him in the first place? Did his 'geeky' appearance bother you then?

Are you more concerned about what other people are saying about him and his appearance? Because if you find him attractive then it really shouldn't matter what other people think.

Seems pretty natural to me! Most relationships fail in the first year as the honeymoon infatuation stage starts to fall away a little and you get a real feel for someone.

In my experience once you start to feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of someone and quite critical of their behaviour or appearance it's usually a sign your feelings have faded and impossible to come back from.

I sense you really really want this to work to avoid the pain and embarrassment of ending something you've made public to family and friends, but at the end of the day relationships often don't work out and it's perfectly acceptable to say 'that was a nice time, I'm glad we met, no hard feelings but it's not working for me, sorry'. Your kids might be upset and feel it's more upheavel but in a way you're also showing them a model of healthy relationships: not throwing everything into someone you've known just a few months, walking away when it's no longer working. It doesn't have to be complicated, just 'yes I did like him for a while and he's a lovely person but as time went on I realised I felt for him more as a friend'.

Be kind to yourself. Losing your attraction to someone isn't a failure. Just a normal part of life. Not every boyfriend girlfriend dating relationship has to last forever and hopefully you've learned a lot from being with someone kind to you.

In the future I would probably recommend not introducing the kids so quickly, not within a year anyway. I know some people prefer to to make sure they get on but as you can see it makes it a bit harder to part ways when family are all aware.

In my experience once you start to feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of someone and quite critical of their behaviour or appearance it's usually a sign your feelings have faded and impossible to come back from.

I'm not so sure about this and think it may be personality driven and vary from person to person.

I think it's pretty normal to have a honey moon period where he can do no wrong and then suddenly does something that makes you cringe in side. It can be anything - a terrible jumper, what he says to someone, an expression he uses, or in this situation how he interacts with someone.

I've had that cringe moment - and most of the time you bounce back from it because it's just part of the normal process of realising the idol has feet of clay.

I wouldn't do anything rash OP - see how it goes. Could well be a total change in your feelings but it could not be.

PaperRockMissile I agree with you actually, there's a lot of truth in what you're saying. And it's definitely worth OP not jumping the gun and ending it immediately, she ought to take some time to see if this is a normal phase like you say or whether it is actually a bit of a death knell.

I hope my post conveyed OP shouldn't feel bad if this is something she can't or doesn't want to work past, but of course my own experience of it being a death knell doesn't mean that's going to be the case for her :)

Thank you all very much for responding, mixture of replies! Yes Granville I do find him attractive, and I’m always way too worried about what other people, and unimportant other people like the acquaintance think. Like the other PPs have said I think it would be sensible to see how things progress.

I could've written your post OP, came out of a bad relationship then met slightly geeky but totally lovely new boyfriend...had the wobble but stayed with it and now 4 years later the depth of my feelings for him is still growing, he's shown me what true unconditional love is...and it's wonderful! I had that 'trapped' feeling and I think it's only natural to feel like that when you've had previous bad experiences in relationships but be brave and let yourself be loved by this guy...give me a geek that wants to please in bed any day! Enjoy!

Thank you bowtie that’s lovely and just what I needed to hear! I think it can be hard to believe in the possibility of happiness when you’ve been through abuse and violence. After I escaped my marriage I relished my space and freedom for a long time. But this is a really good man and I don’t want my fear to prevent a really good relationship.

I think if you're sociable, being with someone who struggles socially can be challenging.

It's a shame you've introduced him to your kids already if you've only been together 8 months. You need longer than that to really get to know all sides of someone.