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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I work all this stuff out?

23 replies

SplittingHairs · 20/02/2018 09:13

I am leaving my partner of 7 years. No kids but we have lived together for 5 years so obviously our lives are well entwined.

He is not abusive or cheating but I am unhappy for so many reasons and need to leave.

I have already organised a new place for myself - but we are both on the current tenancy and I keep wobbling at the thought of having to split all our stuff up and start my life again.

We have been together since 18 so I have no experience of breaking up as an adult.

Please help or hold my hand or something I am really anxious, not sleeping or eating and I don't know if I can do this.

NC for this as have other threads that I don't want linked.

OP posts:

SteamingPistons · 20/02/2018 11:45

What's causing your unhappiness in the relationship, and is it something you can work out together?

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 20/02/2018 11:55

No I don't want to salvage it I have had enough, I am only 25 so if I get out now I know that I still have a chance to find happiness.

Lots of issues, sex life is poor (amount and quality), he doesn't help around the house enough, always ignoring me for games on his phone etc. etc.
I have tried raising them and sorting them but it is always the same thing, he calls me a nag with too high standards, changes for about a week and then it goes back to the same old grind. He has never cooked me a meal on his own in 7 years. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I am most anxious about sorting the logistics of life alone, we have a (rented) home together full of things how do we decide to split them? We have no joint savings but two seperate help to buy ISAs so my money is safe.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2018 17:38

If I was you, I'd go around the house and make a note of what is shared.
Sit down on your own and decide what you think is the best way to split it.
Then sit down together and discuss it.
Is he capable of this?
He sounds immature so I'm not sure how workable that is?

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 20/02/2018 18:52

He is immature, but not one to get angry, although I have never tried to split up with him before so who knows. Neither of us can afford the rent comfortably alone I imagine he will go back to his mums for a bit I have sorted out a house share so I don't think either of us will need the big ticket items like the fridge or the matteress...

A list seems like a good place to start, I seem to be constantly writing them these days!

My family think he is great, but have never had to live with him, so I think they will be really sad too.

Euuurgh I feel so confused staying would be easy in the short term but I know I would just get more and more resentful....

thank you for the response

OP posts:

category12 · 20/02/2018 19:17

Don't be put off by what lies ahead in the short term - it is going to be difficult to split - but long term things would be worse staying. You're doing the right thing. Lists are good.

MachineBee · 20/02/2018 19:21

You’re already coping with most of life’s logistics because he doesn’t do much. The fact he’s going back to his mum’s and you’ve opted for a flat share speaks volumes about your different maturity levels.

Good luck - treat it like an adventure and make sure you are kind to yourself. You’ll have some low moments but keep going- it will get better.

HobnobBob · 20/02/2018 19:27

OP I split up with my ex in a similar situation, been together from young and split when we were about 24. Like you we lived together and it was my decision. He was immature and spent his life on computer games. I can honestly say when I moved out I just felt the biggest relief. I was still upset but it really was the best thing to have done. I am very happily married now, to the right person!

PaperdollCartoon · 20/02/2018 19:31

Good luck. I know it’s scary but it’s clearly the right thing to do. After 7 years you know this person and whether they’re right for you or not, at 25 you’re still very young and will find someone better suited to you. Definitely make a list. If you have big items neither of you will use you need to decide whether to store or sell them. If they’re sold, split the money.

TwitterQueen1 · 20/02/2018 19:31

Well done OP for taking the initiative, for understanding what it is you need to do, for acting on it, for moving forward with your life despite it being really, really difficult.

You have been courageous and although I've no doubt it's bloody awful for your right now, things will get much better, very quickly. And your next relationship will benefit from your insights and your assertiveness (even though you probably don't appreciate right now just how strong you have been).

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 20/02/2018 19:48

Thank you so much everyone I told a friend at work I might need some help with his van to move some stuff and he thought I was crazy
This has really stregthend my resolve I can do this I just have to focus

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 20/02/2018 20:52

Regarding splitting the stuff - the usual arrangement when you've moved into rented together is that you both retain the things you brought with you.

If you bought something for both of you with your money (e.g the TV) then you take it.

Stuff you've been gifted or bought with joint money like DVD box sets, just agree on the basis of who's going to enjoy it more. (I'm aging myself now but my last amicable break up, we decided on the custody of the Red Dwarf videos...)

littletinyme1 · 21/02/2018 02:59

Well done OP! Moving out and moving on, rather than having babies to patch up the relationship.

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 21/02/2018 07:53

Thanks all, I am going to wait until the tenancy on my new place kicks in so I have somewhere to go if it gets a bit ugly.

I have a few bags of things that I am sorting on the premise of "taking to charity" - not worried about him taking them as that would involve some initiative on his part!

We were given lots of "stuff" as a couple when we moved in, fridge washer, sofa, chairs and tables, a bed! Honestly I think the only things he will really want are the xbox and the telly, and that is fine by me as I kept my small spare telly from uni in the loft.

I love his family and I am really upset that I will be walking out on them too. All our friends we met at uni so I think they will take his side as the dumpee... but my new house mates might be lovely and I can always make friends at the gym or work or something.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 21/02/2018 08:58

"I have a few bags of things that I am sorting on the premise of "taking to charity" - not worried about him taking them as that would involve some initiative on his part!"

Are you starting to pack things up before he has any idea you're leaving him? And just lying about what the items being packed up are for?

Sounds like what my ex did to me. Started leaving his guitars at his friend's house as it's 'easier then taking them back and forth'. Clearing drawers and making some joke about how he used to keep an empty drawer as a kid to hide in if the apocalypse came. Casually asking where our passports were so he could go sneak off and take them without me realising.

Cannot express the amount of pain it put me through realising he'd been lying for days/weeks and slowly moving his stuff out to his new place when I had no idea he even wanted us to separate. It made me feel like an absolute naive idiot for months. Looking back at the lies and feeling so stupid for not putting two and two together because I trusted him.

It's cruel, if that's what you're doing. I know you're gonna do whatever is best for you to get out but please think about how doing it behind his back like this will make him feel. If he's not abusive and you're not afraid of him after so many years you owe him a sit down conversation letting him know it's over and you're moving out. Not keeping him in the dark like a mug while you get your ducks in a row and lying to him you're clearing out stuff for the charity shop when really you're leaving him.

There are ways to disband a relationship honourably and ways that will make you into a tosser in his and everyone else's eyes due to how you've acted at the end.

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 21/02/2018 09:09

Honestly it is one bag of bedding, a towel, some toiletries and enough clothes for a few days. Just so I don't have to break up with him and then spend ages sorting a load of stuff out if he is angry. I am not in any way sneakily moving out around him.

I don't know how he will react, he is a sensitive sort though, we had one huge argument about 4 years ago and he did the whole "I can't go on without you" thing and I don't want that to put me off getting on with it. I need to break the news, take my bag and go rather than having to work stuff out after. I care about him and if he is begging and crying then I am worried I won't have it in me to follow through.

Tenancy kicks in on the 9th of March. I made the decision to leave him on Sunday.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 21/02/2018 09:16

Fair dos OP, you sound like you have a decent plan! I'm glad you're not doing what my ex did and I've known others to do. What you're doing sounds very sensible. It's definitely for the best to be able to end it and then leave, so you can get some space.

Might be worth letting him know when you end it that you're going now but will meet up in a couple of weeks to talk and answer any questions. Then keep phone contact to an absolute minimum.

Karigan1 · 21/02/2018 09:21

When I ended it with the ex He left and then two weeks later went back whilst I was at work and stripped the house. He took everything of value. I still haven’t built it all back up 4 years later but at least he’s gone

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 21/02/2018 09:22

I don't want to be cruel to him, he has not done anything to deserve cruelness, I just don't want to be with him any more.

Will do it on the Saturday morning, then go back the next week to start the splitting stuff up, talk, answer questions etc.

Thank you so much for your help everyone, I really appreciate it and I will let you know how everything goes.

OP posts:

Karigan1 · 21/02/2018 09:45

Yeah I was more saying not be cruel to him but be alert that he may be cruel to you so protect yourself too

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 21/02/2018 09:58

That is a very good point Karigan.

There are things that I can take on the day as well, like my laptop and jewelry that wouldn't take much gathering.

I don't really think he would be like that but I don't want to leave myself vulnerable.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 21/02/2018 17:10

I love his family and I am really upset that I will be walking out on them too.

I was in this position and it really hurts. I sent a message to all his children/siblings/cousins etc on FB that it was too painful to continue being connected to them, but I wished them all well and was happy that I had had the opportunity to meet them.

Then I unfriended them. It really hurt (especially with his youngest DC who was the same age as my DC) but it was the right thing to do for me and for them.

Original poster

SplittingHairs · 08/03/2018 09:29

D-day tomorrow,
I feel really anxious, have barely slept all week.

I need to do this, someone please give me the willpower to not cave...

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2018 10:40

but I am unhappy for so many reasons and need to leave.
Just remember this.
Think about how little you have sex and the fact it isn't very good when you do.
Think about all the times he ignores you and would rather play games on his phone.
How he does sweet FA around the house.
How he has never even bothered to cook you a nice meal in 7 years.
His immaturity.
Please make a list of all the negatives so you don't lose your resolve.
I fear you will when he breaks down and cries when you leave.
Please stay strong.
You are way too young to 'settle'
Get out there. Explore, enjoy and live a truly happy fulfilling life.
That's all I want for my DD.

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