Want to appreciate my life more

[SteamingPistons]

Firstly, I don't enjoy motherhood. Please don't flame me. I just find it so monotonous and I lose my patience so quickly, I feel stressed a lot of the time and I hate that my life is centered around another person in every possible way. We have no nearby family support as they all live 2 hours away and we don't really have close friends that we'd entrust our son with, but we do go on date nights when we visit family monthly.

DP wants another baby but I really don't. I can't tell him how much I really don't want children without sounding horrible about the one I've already got. I do love my boy but I don't enjoy child rearing, I'm sad to admit :( I've told him a few times I don't want others but he's adamant he does and he'd be really sad if he didn't have anymore. He also wants our son to have a playmate. I just don't think I'll ever change my mind but I think he's hopeful I will when I get a bit broody.

I am also pissed off we're still engaged. Have been for 4 years. No savings and so every time I mention thinking about our wedding he eye rolls. He says it's because he can't see how we can afford it. I don't like that I have a different surname to my child and I just want us to be married now, I'm so frustrated.

I don't like how our relationship has changed since we've had children. I think it's more that it's changed us as people.. I'm so serious all the time and I can't help it, I seem to have lost my funny relaxed side. I'm happiest these days when I am at work talking to my colleagues, so I'm thinking I might go full time but tbh we can't afford the childcare if I do that (I currently condense 28 hours into 3 days).

DP also wants to move house but I'm happy where I am. I don't drive and the transport links here are fantastic plus we're only a 3 mile run or walk from the sea which to me is perfect.

I'm scared our relationship is going in opposite directions and I'm going to lose him. Not helping that I developed a crush on a colleague because he helps me escape the monotony of my own life; dangerous I know and I think he knows this as he's been avoiding me of late and keeping things super professional as I think he knows it was heading to dangerous territory too. I am grateful for this as I don't want to lose DP or do anything to make cracks bigger.

Why don't you want to lose DP? It sounds as though he doesn't give a damn what you think!

How much child-rearing is your partner doing? How much of the running of the home? Does he have any idea how much work two children entails? You wouldn't be able to go back to work, unless you earn a stellar amount, either with childcare for two.
Is he prepared to go part time or work condensed hours to facilitate this?
Is he prepared to compromise on where you live? I have a feeling the answer is no...

It costs about £98 to get married, btw.

He does care but I think the real problem is that we both want different things and maybe our priorities are different. I want to get a promotion and get married. He wants to move to a 3-bed house and have a baby. I don't know how we can compromise on that. Last time we spoke about it he said he doesn't expect us to do it right now, he's just suggesting we start thinking about it for in a couple of years time.

I always said I was going to have one baby and that was it. Now she is here, I love her so much but it hasn't changed my plans. My husband is now fully on board with this. If you don't want another one then definitely don't have one!

I have PND and it's been pretty tough going. I haven't enjoyed it up until recently. Even then it's sporadic at best.

If you want to be married you can do it cheaply but it sounds like you want a wedding as well? Rolling his eyes isn't very nice.

Tackling these things one issue at a time- you don't need to lose your relationship with your DH you're probably just going through a bit of a rough patch.

Firstly I would insist upon a very low key a cheap wedding and explain you want the same surname as your child and you're not happy being unmarried any more. Tell him you want to book in for the next available slot and you can arrange a celebration for a few years down the line when you can afford it. You're engaged so why should he care?

Next I'd nip the moving house in the bud. You like where you are and need the public transport.

The having another child issue is harder- I would be honest with him. It doesn't make you ungrateful for what you have. This is going to be the most difficult conversation. Maybe you can agree to have another think about it in six months time?

Try and get your relationship back on track can your child spend more time with the family so you can have a weekend away or something?

Suggest as a compromise you go full time and go for promotion and he deals with reducing his hours and being responsible for childcare? If he is fine with that after a year or so you get marrried then try for a second baby and he can also do bulk of childcare for both kids.

Then you both get what you want.

However going by what you wrote he expects you to work plus deal with all childcare because he probably has some big, important job that he couldn't possibly compromise on.
As for his excuse of getting married being too expensive, (quicky registry office??) if that is the case no way can you afford another child or house move!!!! But you know deep down he is using that as an excuse because he simply doesn't want to marry you, sorry.

I understand completely where you are coming from, as much as kids are a blessing, actual childcare can be so mindnumbingly boring and tedious and it is something I would not do again, plus relationships change completely when kids arrive and not always for the better.
Do not allow yourself to be coerced or guilted into another baby, he sounds like a selfish arse.

Thanks for suggestions. I think I'm going to talk to him over dinner tonight.

Another thing I am wondering is if I've had undiagnosed PND all this time. I have felt resentment and lack of enjoyment in motherhood since he was at least 3 months old. It's starting to hit me that maybe I'm not a selfish cow, maybe I am unwell. I just haven't felt like we've bonded the entire time. There was a slight lightbulb bond moment at about 9 months where we felt close and I was gutted to go back to work but that didn't last long. I feel crazy getting assessed at this stage when he's 2.5 years though and not sure if I'm just making assumptions to help make sense of why I feel this way.

You sound deeply unhappy. I do not think trying to compromise or fix anything in your life will help that. Do not take steps to get married or make any large changes yet.

Might I recommend a visit to the doctor as a first step? You could mention how you feel about child rearing. Or about how you feel generally. I just think you need to talk to someone honestly about how life is going for you and what is in your mind.

I know someone who was diagnosed with PND when their child was 2.

You could compromise by saying you will only have another child if your DH takes parental leave then goes part time and you get married first, but you’d obviously have to want another child. Weddings don’t have to cost much. Also, if it’s just the name that bothers you, you can change your name.

Life is short, don’t be bullied into a life you don’t want. Childcare costs won’t last long now.

Thanks for your advice and support. I arranged an appointment and got in this afternoon, thankfully, the doctor said it definitely sounds like depresssion, possibly even PND and has given me some medication. TBH I think I want to talk to DP and get him on board first, I'm worried he won't believe that I'm really unwell. I've kept this to myself so long. But I will talk with him tonight

I hope it goes well, it's really difficult to explain to another person how you feel. I am still struggling now, and my husband too.

So glad you were able to see someone. I hope your talk with DP goes well.

There are a few things which concern me in your posts, eg that you are worried DP might not believe you’re ill; that he is adamant about wanting a baby you don’t want; and he argues you can’t afford to get married (yet children cost a lot more than weddings).

But the first step is for you to take care of your own health and well-being, and start to find your way forward from there.