What to do about cokehead ExP?

[cokeheadEX]

It has recently (yesterday) come to light that my exP has developed a cocaine habit that is far more frequent than first thought. I knew he did it occasionally (think maybe once a year at a stag do) and felt that although not ideal, it wasn't really anything I could bring up as an issue. He has now confessed to usage once a fortnight but I think he still in denial about this as some of his friends have told me it's actually more like twice a week.

He sees the kids at my place around 4 days a week and has done since we split. Not a situation I am happy with but he doesn't have a permanent base yet and lives out of a bag, flitting between here, his parents and a girl he is seeing who lives about 20 miles away. So it's the only way to see the kids. He says he's still paying off debts and can't afford a place yet but lives rent free (and has done for 4.5 years), earns over £50k and also smokes, drinks and eats a lot of shit, so I suspect the real problem is that if he has to pays any bills then he'll have to give up his champagne lifestyle. He hasn't paid towards the kids in 3 months due to changing jobs, but I'm assured this is temporary (and he did pay regularly for a couple of years).

I think he's in a bit of trouble but can only admit halfway because his mates were worried enough to have spoken to me. He's absolute furious with me for bringing this up. Says he was going to give it all up anyway but I'm not sure he can. Says I'm not trustworthy. I don't want to rip his kids away from him but now that I know the full extent of it, I'm very concerned indeed. He's affectionate with the kids but also snappy sometimes and constantly falling asleep and napping when he's here! He can be helpful too but I reckon that he surely must be unfit to parent if he's been out doing it the night before?! I'm really worried about where this is going.

Anything I can actually do about this? I can't make him quit obviously. He won't talk to me or open up to anyone. Keeps saying it's none of our business but I just think that as we share kids together, it kind of is! I'm the de facto parent anyway. I really don't know what to do. Do I have to take this legal? Are there any other routes?

Any help much appreciated...

Anyone up?

If you have concerns re your DC's safety when he's around, then yes, their needs trump his outrage! Do what you feel you need to do, in order to keep them safe.

I think we have the same ex ? ..x

Crapola situation op i feel for you.
You need to make sure your children are safe and happy first,you will never get the truth from him.
No way leave them with him until you are sure he has kicked the coke.
He isnt that worried & his children are obviously not his priority as what does he think they live on ? Fresh air ?.
He is obviously in much deeper than he is letting on to not be supporting his children(argh ! ).
Do what you think is right for you and your dcs. (The snapping,is called a come down, it will get worse)
I hope he sorts this out for you and your dcs sake x good luck op.

Thanks so much for the replies.  As you can see from my time of writing I was up most of the night stewing about this! (What was supposed to be a calm conversation with him last night turned into a huge row with him deflecting and blaming me wherever possible). He can be very verbally abusive when he feels caught out. The lies and lengths he has to go to to make others see him as a good guy are staggering but the worst is his denial and need for his self image to be great - he genuinely can't be called out on anything without flipping, even if it has become very serious. He is utterly unapproachable. I have a horrible knot in my stomach this morning...

Meandmy4 - sorry to hear something similar. Did your ex end up quitting the gear off his own back or did he carry on (and still demand frequent access to the kids even though compromised)?! Or did he bugger off? Sorry for all the questions I'm just at a loss!

It saddens me so much that he was decent for nearly a decade when he was with me and a decent father figure to my DC from a previous relationship, and yet he's chosen the last 6 years since his own bio DC were born to enter into this spiral of hedonism and self gratification. I know he probably felt after we split, that he'd missed out on all the sex, drugs and rock n roll of his his youth as we met young and spent our 20's together. He may have been forgiven for having done oats to sow, etc. But he's essentially been on a 6 year bender now, unwittingly facilitated by myself and his parents! His selfishness is staggering...

He says that he keeps it all separate from us so it's none of my business, and no cause for concern. But how separate can you really keep this stuff? His moodiness, sleepiness and disengagement from his DC has got to in part, be to do with the coke. Not to mention him pleading poverty when he's clearly spending £100's on this stuff all month (but yet can't stump up for the DC). I'm so, so sad for our kids...

Selfishly, I'm also pretty annoyed about the timing of this. First of all, my older DC is due to sit GCSE's in May and doesn't need any upheaval or big changes right now. And secondly, I actually currently work for another friend of his, in a job that he found me. He has, twice in past disagreements, threatened to lose me my job (as well as take the smart TV he bought the DC's with him ) if I were to go against him in any way. If he loses me my job then me and the kids are in real trouble then. I'm desperately scrabbling around for something else so he has no control.

I'm just a loss for what to do. The poor DC love him so much. But this is not cool. They deserve so much more...

Hi hun .... ill be back got school run at 8:30 ... didnt want ti read and run xxx
Nope not quit it, lost my home,my life,my marriage, "12 yrs for a wrap" .... but he was emotionally and financially abusive ill never know if it was because of the coke or he was just a narcassist ! ... ill be back later xxxx get a pillow and scream into ... always worked for me xxx

I really feel for you. Coke turned my DH into a complete nightmare - sleeping all the time, lethargy, constantly picking rows, large amounts of cash being withdrawn from his account and not forgetting the paranoia which got out of control. Generally being a prize arse.

Only they can want to change - you need to safeguard yourself and the kids.

how are you the untrustworthy one? Raising the kids, good parent, not doing drugs, providing stability to your/his kids. Don’t let him belittle you. He’s the rubbish parent. You must know that. He earns 50k a year and isn’t paying? Not cool. Not acceptable. He should be sorting his kids out before getting high. It is of course your concern. Safeguarding the kids comes first. The law agrees with that. Just because he thinks it’s ok, doesn’t make it so. If he was abusing other kids in his spare time (but keeping it away from his kids) that would be ok? Because your kids don’t see it then it’s ok? What level of behaviour does he have to go to for it not to be ok. He is breaking the law. He’s a drug user. He’s around your kids. Thank god for social services. Of course he’s going to say it’s none of your business!! He’s selfish and high. Get a claim into CMS for the maintenance your kids deserve and withdraw all contact until you can get some proper advice on dealing with this. As for him threatening to make you lose your job...wtf? Is he the king of England? Sounds like he thinks he is. Speak to your employer and tell them exactly what has been said and ask for the reassurance that won’t happen. If you are a good worker then you know that there is such a thing as employment law that protects you right? Somebody can’t just fire you because their druggie mate rings up and says “fire this bitch please mate”
Time to stop bending to this weirdo druggies demands and make him actually face up to his responsibilities. He’s totally getting his cake, your cake, the kids cake and snorting it all up his nose!

Thanks everyone.

Meandmy4 I'm so sorry it came to all that for you guys - I hope things are much better now?! 🤞🏻 Ironically exP and I split after 12 years and of course his frequent partying was one of the reasons why (I didn't yet know it was going to get even worse). Of course I'm not flawless and he had his own bugbears about me in the split (formerly financially irresponsible/not solvent).

Chickenmom All such solid advice, thank you so much. Does it sound silly that I'm absolutely petrified of making those steps though? I do have a misplaced loyalty to him (even though he clearly doesn't give a rats arse about me or the kids). But the job thing is complicated: think a small family business, zero hours contract, very precarious. I've been there a lot less than 2 years so have no rights. He actually possibly COULD get me fired. I am a good worker and his friend likes and is really pleased with me but they have the original loyalty and I think if I was seen to be the horrible witch he'll no doubt make me out to be (for trying to protect the kids), then yes I might be let go.

I know I need to act soon but I'm desperate to find another job as soon as I can just so he can't exert that last little bit of control over me. He can have the TV if he wants it that bad!

It's interesting that narcissism came up. He fits the profile pretty well.

At the moment, he is denying his friends version of events and saying it's fortnightly rather than bi-weekly. I'm inclined to believe he's lying of course (no one has anything to gain from lying except him). If, for example, our situation went to court, what would a judge suggest regarding contact (supervised maybe)? Would he have to submit for drugs tests? I have a little evidence but not much.

I wish it didn't have to come to that if only he could talk to me sensibly and be totally honest he'd have support, I don't want a war. But this is so far gone now.

I think the worst thing that I ever heard that he's done was last year, on his way to a wedding abroad, he successfully smuggled some gear on the plane for his own personal use and got away with it! He admits this and thinks it's funny and that it makes him some sort of legend! Made me furious to hear that - he could have been put in the slammer for some time if he'd been caught - why don't these arseholes ever think of the affects on their children?!

He is also, according to his pals, repeatedly cheating on his girlfriend who he "apparently" has plans to move in with at some point later in the year. She is quite wealthy. Now it's not my business but I can't help but feel so sorry for her - he's content to use half her wage to get a place in a nicer area but he won't even stay faithful or stop using gear?!

It's so sad what's happened to him. He used to be sound as a pound but he's turned into such a horrible person. A user in every sense of the word...

My poor kiddies.

is there a chance that he is ever driving while coked up?

It has an effect because he will have a low mood the following day and be tired, it will also make him poorer. Generally over time it is possible it will cause long term depression.

No luckily he doesn't even have a driving licence, let alone a car! After seeing the road rages he has had from my passenger seat in the past, I'm pretty glad of that!!!

He's definitely depressed in some sort of way. I've always tried to be a friend to him and I don't want to go to war here but I have to do something. Every bone in my body is telling me it's time to stop ignoring his bollocks for an easy life this time as the DC's welfare could suffer. The trouble is, he will take any action from me as a "betrayal" rather than seeing it as me protecting the kids and myself until he's better and will probably stop at nothing to ruin me (as he's threatened). He has the means somewhat.

If he'd only talk to me decently and without abuse then I'd try and help him through it all unofficially. But he refuses to trust me. The entire time we've been split up I've had his back and he does all this yet I'm untrustworthy?! I don't get it. And I don't think I can help him myself here this time...

Sweetheart, you are not engaging with your Ex, or the father of your kids, you are engaging with an addict. You are not talking to a person, you are talking to the addiction.

I think you would greatly benefit from getting some support from organisations like Families Anonymous or AdFam.

He wont talk to you honestly, he wont be decent. the addicition is talking for him now.

If you ask/tell/beg him to address his issues, you are threatening his addiction. the addiction will fight you to the death.

the only hope is that he finds his rock bottom and decides to stop.

You can't be his friend, you can't be involved with him at all, neither can his kids. He needs to address his coke/drug habit and be clean when he sees you/them

The kids need protection from his addiction. they will be there for their dad when the dad comes back without the addiction.

I agree with chicken head his threats off at the pass and go and speak to your employer. make sure they know that without work you are stuffed and that you are happy and want to stay there, and for them not to believe anyone badmouthing you.

it may be that you can get protection at work this way so that if this guy comes near you, the police will get called and wheels start turning to keep you and your DC safe.

I wonder if you can speak to the school too, to see if they can suggest some support for you all?

Sweetheart, you are not engaging with your Ex, or the father of your kids, you are engaging with an addict

If you ask/tell/beg him to address his issues, you are threatening his addiction. the addiction will fight you to the death

This is the fact and I know that as someone who is only addicted to tobacco.

Al Anon could also give you some support on this.

Thanks again for some brilliant advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

I might speak to Alanon or Narcanon or whatever there is over the phone and see what they say. They will have heard much worse I'm sure.

I will also try and speak to my boss (although it may backfire). Worth a try though. I hope ex wouldn't ever stoop as low as what he's threatening.

I've had a very unhappy text exchange with him earlier. He feels very hard done by, apparently his friends and me are all snakes, liars, etc. I told him to lean on his friends and I because we care about his well being and want him to get better and be happy but he just keeps reiterating the fact that he can't trust us and doesn't need us.

Absolutely no self reflection or ownership and zero regard for the fact that this has landed in my lap like a bomb. I never wanted it to come to this but I'd be a bloody irresponsible parent if I didn't bring it up. I asked him what he would do if it was me going out and getting coked up every week before coming back to the kids? He had no answer for that apparently...

I don't quite know how to go about the next bit. Do I just not let him in when he comes to see the kids? I feel for them if they witness a scene. Do I ask him to stay away for a week or two? He is actually due to pick them up whilst I'm working on Friday so I don't quite know what to do about that yet. Will he try and take the kids away in desperation? My poor bubbas might have a rough time coming up.

This is especially sore for me as my relationship with my last ex actually ended due to his drinking and cocaine abuse when my eldest was only 5 months old. (DC1's dad is squeaky clean in that regard now). It feels like me a personal punishment to have to deal with this twice! But I have to remember that this is not about me. It's about our kids and their well-being. And him. It's always about bloody him.

I can see I'm not getting anywhere trying to talk to this "addiction". I have to try and remember that the drug is his priority and to disengage until he's ready to wake up. Actually maybe if he stands to lose everything he'll get the shock he needs to pack it in? But I doubt it - he's too bitter. He'll just go the easy route and make enemies of anyone who dared to care.

Watching this play out with no power over any of it is gut wrenching.

I do think any of these support groups will be able to orientate you somewhat. Unfortunately, on top of the characteristic blaming everyone else that every addict does, he is also under the influence of a drug that causes paranoia.

I could have wrote this post! After a year of allowing ex to come and see DS at my home but him disappearing after an hour or letting him down I have stopped him coming. I have since found out that ex is potentially dealing so I have stopped all contact.

It's a safeguarding issue really. No way am I putting my DS into a situation that is potentially threatening to him.

The ball is in their court to sort themselves out for their children!

I’ve seen it , with a friend and her ex. His demons have turned him into a frothing, lying, ranting idiot, bitter and twisted and himself utterly deluded

Keep kids away from him, he’ll only hurt them.