nearly 30 and wondering how to change

[kloud9]

I hope someone can read this without being judgemental about me! Please don't reply if you haven't anything nice to say because I have heard it all before and I will really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it without jumping to conclusions about who I am. I know I'm not perfect and I know I have flaws so I don't need someone to tell me them online, I am already feeling unhappy as it is without that. thank you.

I've always been on my own with mini-me alongside me and never thought i really needed anyone else aside from her in my life because we're a good duo although i feel bad that she didnt ever have a dad to grow up with and she has had to put up with a lot of nasty comments about me from kids in school about my weight and about the way she came into the world which I've always felt guilty about and isnt her fault but I do worry that I've let her down by being who i am and not being able to have a relationship.

Now I'm going to be 30 later this year and I'm starting to think that I really am going to spend my whole live alone and never meet anybody unless I change.

I haven't ever had a real life relationship with anyone and the reason I have her is because her donor was someone who attacked me when I was about her age, but also the reason I am very closed up about intimacey. I do find it hard to trust most men enough to want to open up emotionally and even more to consider letting them get close to me physically.

I know I'm not an oil painting and I still like I can get on with my life by myself but now I'm nearly 30 and mini-me is growing up too fast I'm starting to think more and more about how lonely my life has been, and how lonely it's going to be in a few years time when she moves out. all I see around me are my friends, some who are happy and I'm really happy for them, and the rest who have all had real relationships before and aren't afraid of dating even though they meet a lot of wronguns.

I feel like I'm the odd one out and everything is wrong with me, and it's my fault because nobody ever stopped me from trying to date apart from me, but I don't even know how to date. I am a shy person when my friends are discussing topics about dating, sex or relationships - I just don't know what to say whenever they're talking about that topic, it just makes me feel so uncomfortable because I don't know anything about it or have any experience.

I used to spend a lot of my time on a chat room where sex would be the only topic that anybody would ever talk about, and I do admit I found it easier on there to open up. I made some friends on there and got very close to several men, some who seemed very very much like me. I actually had some really serious online relationships that got intense over chat but were always long distance and aside from one, the rest didn't ever make it into the real world.

The one man who I did meet early last year really did help me a lot, and I really wanted to try to make that one work, he knew everything about me, including some very difficult and embarassing things, but he was so patient, yet I messed that up because I just don't think I know how to handle all of that.

Anyway, I met him for two very lovely dinner dates which really did open my mind and my heart up to the possibility that I've been wrong about men for so many years and that perhaps I don't want to be on my own any more.

We met up one final time, he actually organised a weekend away which is the first time I've ever been away anywhere before, so he really treated me, and my friends were amazing at looking after mini-me for that weekend too. But a mixture of my health problems and the way I am just generally really ruined the whole thing.

I've got a bit of an added complication too that he i had of course told him about and he understood completely but I think it might have been part of the reason it went wrong since I've got a health condition that makes intimate things more difficult, so that's a really embarassing thing to ever bring up to someone in person because it comes and goes but if it flares up and affects me then I can't do anything physical.

Also I think he wasn't really sure either so that might have played a part, but I knew that he wanted to spend the whole weekend in the bedroom, and while I also wanted that, I think just couldn't cope with it, nor could my body because I think maybe some stress or anxiety or something caused everything to flare up and get very itchy and sore which just meant my clothes definitely weren't coming off and I ruined the weekend by constantly fidgeting around each time we started to get comfortable.

So anyway, that's my entire life story as far as relationships go. I know I want to change. I don't want to be alone or anxious any more, and I know I always had desires and urges that I had to take care of by myself, those are also getting so much worse now too that I'm spending more time in a bad mood and genuinely frustrated to the point where i'm sometimes feeling like deprivation is taking over my life too as well as the loneliness. I'm starting to feel jealous of other people who have a normal life and wondering why I'm different and how I can be more like them????

Sorry for the long post, thank you everyone for reading it. I don't even know what my question is, I feel like there's really something wrong with me and that I'm not normal, but I don't know what to do, and obviously I don't want any of this to affect mini-me, she's really the only reason I keep going, but it's getting harder to just carry on :(

If you made it this far then you are amazing xx

Kat

Hi Kat,

Not sure I'm the best placed to advise but didn't want to read and run as you sound like such an amazing person who has been through a hell of a lot and is still soldiering on.

I've been through an attack too (although I was a young adult not a child at the time) and know what an isolating experience this is. Please don't feel you are not 'normal' in any way because of it. Have you spoken to rape crisis or similar? Maybe some counselling would help as an adult?

In terms of the guy you dated, what jumped.out at me was how quickly things moved from online to full dinner dates to a lavish weekend away. That's quite a lot of pressure for you, especially since you met in an environment where sex is the main topic.

Perhaps give OLD a try but change the pace? So meet quite soon after connecting (if you feel the person sounds ok), but start with plenty of informal coffee dates, maybe a couple of drinks or the cinema/ a gig. That way you control the pace which might hopefully help you feel less anxious and when/if you do choose to get physical, you can time it when you're not having a flare up.

could a friend with more dating experience help you write a good profile that really makes clear your great points also what you're looking for?

I'm sure someone will.come along with better advice but your post struck a chord and I want you to know there will be someone out there for you. You might end up meeting a few unsuitable guys along the way but you're still young, if you trust your judgement and dont rush in, there should be no harm done.

Best of luck with it all

Xxx

Hi, that's a lovely reply, you are amazing too, I really think I went off on one a bit there but you still read all of it and replied anyway so thank you.

I'm so sorry that you went through that as well, and I hope you've been able to get on with your life since, you sound like a really strong person!

About counselling, I went through lots of that for some years after it happened, so even though I wont ever forget it I do get on with my life, the problem is I've always been really independent not needing anyone else or even letting anyone else get near. That's the bit which I think isn't normal.

I think my problem is I just don't know how not to be like that. I do want to change but I feel like I don't know how to do that either, if that makes sense, but I think you may be right perhaps I need to try going back to that again as an adult, I've had a lot of struggles with depression at various points and been on and off antidepressants too, but I don't know if maybe all the counselling I had when I was younger made me decide it wasn't worth going back.

I started going when I was still in school to cope with what had happened and also all the nasty things being said every moment of every day (all girls school too unfortunately, girls are so much worse for that sort of thing!) because everybody there knew what had happened and they could see the bump growing until I eventually was able to leave thank goodness. I don't know how much it really helped because I mostly just learned by myself to shut everybody off and cut them out of my life which I think I've been doing ever since except for a few friends who I really trust.

As strange as it sounds I think it affected my mum worse than it affected me, she became so over protective after that happened, and I actually felt so guilty about the way it affected her because I never wanted her to worry about me, I think she just couldn't help it, so I would always make sure that I'd never do anything or go anywhere which would make her worry even more.

She'd always worry whenever my friends took me for a night out, texting me all the time, reminding me never to be on my own, to stay with them, to never talk to guys I would meet in the bars or clubs because those ones can't be trusted, being careful about my drink, all that sort of thing. Even though she's not around any more I feel like I'd be really letting her down if I ever got into a situation with the wrong sort.

You're right it was really fast and it was a lot of pressure, I so really wanted to be physical that weekend because I almost feel like it's a demon growing ever larger over me as time goes by, preventing me from feeling normal, and that once that deed is done then just maybe I'd find it easier? But everything stopped me, and with the anxiety I closed up and just pushed him away and ruined it. I don't think I could have asked for him to have done anything more than he did, he wasn't like anyone I'd ever met, although a lot older (51, but that wasn't a problem for me in any way at all) but he understood me and had a lot of patience for me, but I think I really put him off and must have been like the ice maiden. Maybe as much as I want a relationship I'm just not ready to have one but I don't really know if I ever will be.

OLD worries me a bit since I can't make up for the way I look, and I think those sites are all about the photos really. I've heard all about the players and lunatics on those even from my friends who look much better than I do, even though I do know someone who found her perfect match on one of them I just can't imagine that being me. But everybody else has told me to do the same thing, and as I'm sat herre typing it, maybe I need to stop over thinking it and just see for myself.

I will definitely take it much much slower if it ever happens again though, that's a good idea about just having lots of coffee or other easier meetups. I Hope you're right, I'm still just all new to this. Thank you so so much for your advice, you have no idea how much I appreciate it, I find it so hard to talk about dating to my friends who are all wonderful but I don't think they really understand how difficult I find it.

I worry about all the ways it can go wrong, like what if I end up meeting somebody I like then how do I tell them about my health and what if it puts them off? or what if I tell them about my attack and they end up thinking all the same things that I know most people already think about me? And then my dating history makes me sound like the bliddy virgin mary so how's somebody going to react to that?

I think you've given me quite a bit to think about, thank you so so much, wish me luck!

Kat Xxx