How to get over being unwanted

[donutburger]

I have NC, I normally comment, this is the first time I've ever started a topic.

I was an unwanted baby, I was treated as a nuisance when I was a child until I left home at 16. I was palmed off to a few family members most of the time but not because they wanted me, it was definitely an inconvenience. Mostly I remember just missing my bedroom at "home" and wanting to be there. We lived in a very middle class area and my parents/family were well known. I went to an independent school and my grandmother was very involved at the school. My parents and grandmother spent a lot of time telling people how spoilt I was. I wasn't. Behind closed doors I was a nuisance, unwanted, useless, rotten....

When I was 16 I didn't know what I wanted to do at University, I wasn't passionate about anything, or really very good at anything (only got a handful of shit GCSE's to my name!). I wanted to drop out of sixth form to work more hours at the job I did at weekends (I'd checked with the boss, she said she could give me 3 days a week as well as my weekends) to think for a bit. My parents said no. I was struggling with A Levels so quit. They told me that I needed to go down to the council offices and get a flat as the door would be locked from now on and I couldn't return. My Saturday and Sunday job paid £3.50 an hour and I had to buy quite a lot out of that as well as paying them rent, so presenting to the council as homeless was the only thing I could do really as I had no money. I went into supported housing where I had a keyworker.

That was it really, end of relationship with them and my family. I have a Brother and Sister but we don't talk as we were always pitted against each other as rivals growing up. They were awful to them too, but instead of us bonding over it we seemed to resent each other.

I got a job and went into private rented, then bought a house, met my husband and had a child. Things are good now but no matter how much I try I still can't seem to get over the fact I was unwanted and treated as such. I've tried Samaritans, I've tried numerous counsellors and counselling types (CBT etc...). I once wrote 3 pages pf A4 and handed it to my Dr, she read the first paragraph and said "you need antidepressants". I've been on Citalopram for years. People have told me that I need to keep trying with different counsellors but it takes a lot each time to rehash it all and pour my heart out for nothing to change, I've sort of given up with counselling really. Read numerous books that haven't really helped.

What happened, happened and I don't think any amount of talking or reading books is going to change that. I normally cope ok but since Friday I've been feeling awful about it, keep bursting into tears. I even looked my parents up on facebook and found them and just sat there crying looking at their profile pictures, pathetic. They seem to have a nice life though.

It's definitely affected my self esteem, I sometimes wonder why the hell my husband is with me, sometimes think I don't deserve my beautiful little girl. It's always there in the back of my mind and I wish it wasn't.

I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for and shouldn't whinge but I just want a Mummy sometimes and I don't have one.

Is there anything else I can do to try and get over/deal with this or is this it until I die? Has anyone here recovered from something like this? How?!

Thanks if you read and if you can offer any help.

Sorry this is so long, I tried to give the short version

Oh sweetie, what a horrible way to feel.

Can you be your own mum? Try to talk to yourself as you would to your own child? Stop listening to the voice they put in your head, and listen to your real voice, the one with a child you have nurtured.

Everyone needs mothering, and sadly, a lot of real life mothers aren't up to the job, so those who are, like you, with your lovely little girl need to make up the deficiency.

And let your husband tell you why he loves you.

donut,

What happened to you was in no way your fault at all. The fault lies entirely with your abusive parents who behaved cruelly towards you.

You absolutely do deserve the life you have now with your husband and daughter. You have qualities that your family of origin lack; empathy and insight. You know that what they did to you was wrong.
You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had.

Although I do not have much experience I do not think that something like CBT is going to be of any real help here; you need more in-depth therapy. I am sorry to read that your GP was not more understanding and simply gave you pills (which may not be as effective now). I hope you have found another GP to consult since. Do not give up re counselling or therapy; BACP are good and do not charge the earth. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach, interview such people very carefully and at length before committing yourself further.

I would also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Are their support groups for people who have had similar experiences? Maybe being able to talk to people who know what its like might help?

Sounds like a horrible situation

OP, what a truly crappy time you've had, I'm so sorry love

I know you've tried so much already, but have you tried mindfulness/meditation? Your comment about needing a mummy makes me agree with pp who suggests that being your own mummy may be the way forward for you. (That sounds so naff written down, but bear with me!)

Mindful meditation teaches you how to show compassion and kindness towards yourself, which can be useful if that has been lacking in your early life.

And I agree with your comment, 'What happened, happened and I don't think any amount of talking or reading books is going to change that' - so this is about coming to terms with, or accepting the things that you cannot change about the past, and moving forward. I'd be looking for a CBT therapist that uses Acceptance and Commitment therapy and mindfulness techniques. Someone who could teach you specific strategies for building your self-esteem and looking towards the future. And how to deal with the distressing thoughts when they're overwhelming.

How long has it been since you tried with your brother or sister are they NC too?
This sounds heartbreaking but what I took out if it is how strongwilled you sound.
Youve got a lovely DH and daughter and are living a good life. Youve battled every step of the way and your winning. Keep going keep being strong and focus as hard as you can on giving your child all the love you missed out on.
Also the suggestion of a support group sounds sensible to connect with someone who has suffered something similar.

I absolutely feel for you. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you. If there isn’t a support group out there, why not set one up? Maybe if you could surround yourself with people in the same situation you might not feel so alone. How about more kids? Adoption or fostering? Make yourself the head of a huge family? How about seeing if there are any charities out there that you could support/help who work in this area. Hope you can find some peace. Don’t give up on counselling yet. I went through about 6 counsellors before I found the right one for me

Thank you so much for such kind words, I didn't even think I'd get a response.

Have now found the Stately homes thread and am reading right from the start. A lot of stuff already resonates with me and only on the first page.

How could I find a therapist that would focus on acceptance and commitment therapy? It doesn't have to be on the NHS, we have agreed we can pay privately for it. Will look at BACP, will also see what sort of support groups are available. Have always been a bit wary of support groups though in a sort of misery loves company way, but perhaps they could be useful.

Regarding fostering and adoption, yes! We've already attended an adoption open evening and will be looking at it all again once my little girl is a bit older.

My brother and sister are NC with them too, from around the ages of around 21 I believe (they went to university). Reconnecting with them would be good in theory but we were foul to each other, hated each other and I just feel like too much has gone on now for any sort of relationship, I genuinely feel they are best left alone. They have their own families too and seem to be doing well from what I can see on Facebook. If one of them reached out to me then yes I would go from there and would not reject them, but I couldn't make the first move, it's been years, got to be nearly 20 years now.

Another thing I'd like to know is why? Why have children to then treat them the way we were treated? I don't understand.

OP. At somewhere, sometime, your parents will have been subjected to shame, humiliation, emotional neglect. Things that these days tend to get recognised as emotional abuse.

Out of those skewed perceptions would come their own self-loathing that when they produced off-spring, they too would be subjected to an extension of this very distorted way of thinking, an in fact an object to attack and take out their own internal misery on.

Take pride on the fact that you are a survivor of these circumstances and despite all odds, you have formed a healthy relationship with your partner and gone in to be able to care for a child. You are the representation of the ability to change.

Good therapy does change the way that you think about yourself and helps you to explore the damage that was done to you so that you can make new connections in the here and now to move forwards.

The Facebook pictures that you've seen represent a 'nice life' but they will still be those uncaring, cold and undeserving people on the inside.

You can get through this pain and sadness, good luck OP.

Pardon the typos.

Have you read John Bradshaw books on reclaiming/healing the inner child? It sounds a bit woo but it does offer some help.

I also recommend learning to leave the past in the past. You were treated in an awful way for many years and that was unjust (bit of an understatement but ykwim).

Have you found that now you are thriving and “safe” that your brain wants to go back and analyze the history...to process it and try to figure out the dynamic, motivations, etc? This is a step of healing. Sometimes it is good to know why, but at the end of the day, will it really make any difference to get “closure” (if that is the right word or concept?)? Imho, I don’t think it would make much difference. For example, if one of your parents was having a long term catastrophic circumstance influence them...would that excuse the way you were treated as in “oh ok, I understand now”? Nope. There is no excuse for parents to do what they did to you. Therefore- leaving the past in the past would be a good strategy for your mental health, imho.

Perhaps you might look into a form of PTSD - complex form - that relates to childhood experiences.

Theres a part of me wondering what if. What if after all these years they are the same as you. Have lovely families and present on the surface as being very happy and settled but underneath there is still the undercurrent of pain.
What if they are just waiting for someone else to reach out as nobody wants a second round of rejection.
But realistically I know there isnt always a happy ending as seeing each other could bring back painful memories.
I wish you well whatever you choose keep reaching out it will always help.

Why have dc if you don't want or even like them, it's a very valid question.

I think societal pressure and it was and still is just expected though times are changing.

My childhood was terrible, my siblings are fractured but I'm in regular contact with two and a little with the rest. Talking about those shared experiences helps me.

It sounds like you've done an absolutely amazing job standing on your own two feet and living independently and succesfully from such a young age. You deserve the happy life you have now and you need to find some way to detach from the past. You can't change what happened to you, alas, but you can find a way to move on. Maybe go back to the GP and get put on the waiting list for more counselling? I know you've had it before, but some counsellors will be better than others and perhaps you haven't found the right one yet. Good luck.

O/p Iapt nhs counselling do ACT acceptance and commitment therapy. I had to wait quite a bit for it but my goodness it changed my life. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I got 21 free sessions over 5months. An hour a week and it was really the beginning of my new life.

Also as for the needing a mummy there are a few adopt a granny threads on mumsnet if you search on the search function for the threads. Maybe if you google adopt a granny as well then you will find older lonely women that would love to act as a surogate mother and grandmother. Maybe that would help fill the void?

OP, I grew up in very similar circumstances (middle class family, lovely big house, everyone talking about how 'spoilt' I was when actually I was being neglected in every possible way behind closed doors, constantly being told on a pretty much daily basis that I was an ugly and stupid monster, had ruined everyone's lives, shouldn't have been born, wasn't loved and wasn't wanted) and also ended up being kicked out of the family home while at sixth form. I did go to university but I have struggled my entire life with these feelings of unworthiness and deep, dark shame at how terrible I must be to have been so unloved and unwanted even as a tiny baby.

Externally, it probably looks like I've done really well with my life but inside, I feel like a fake and a fraud because I can never quite shake the suspicion that my grandparents (back story - my actual parents abandoned me when I was a couple of months old and I was raised, very unwillingly, by my maternal grandparents) were right and that I am actually monstrous and not quite right in some way and don't deserve success or happiness. It is so so hard to get past that so your post really resonated with me and I just wanted to say how sorry I feel for you.

I wish that I could offer some practical solutions but I have nothing to offer but a measly fist bump of solidarity and heartfelt assurance that you are absolutely not alone. xxx

I have very difficult (putting it mildly) too. I could write a book on some of the #hit we’ve put up with whilst to the world they keep up appearances, privately they are awful. My DM on many occasions has told myself and my DB we were not wanted by our father. She recently told me he doesn’t care if he never sees myself and brother again. It eats away at you if you let it. I spent years trying to be more perfect so they would love me DB turned to drink.

I have NC with my DB I cant cope with his drinking and we can’t speak about our experiences.

What I have learnt to do is surround myself with people who value me. I built a home, family and career and have some very close friends. When you realise you matter to other people who don’t have to be in your life but choose to be you realise it’s THEM not you.

I’m aware I lack confidence, I’m aware I need reassurance but I and my DP understand why. It hurts still I won’t say it doesn’t but it hurts less when you look around at the people who are there. It really is their loss, pity them

No advice but to you OP, and everyone else whose parents let them down.

I haven’t read the other replies yet. I hear you on the councilling. If talking for years dsnt make it better maybe it dsnt work after all.
I think you did amazingly well in life.
Be proud you went from the bottom to the top.
You are giving them too much head space. The only people that really matter are your husband and child. Concentrate on them xxx
If you find yourself getting emotional give yourself permission to feel upset but busy yourself to keep your mind off.
It was there loss. I felt like crap growing up but I said to myself there no way I’m letting them win by taking tablets because I can’t cope with the bad treatment from them.
I just edged away further & further.

Oh my I am so sorry this happened to you. What a pair of awful people your parents are.

How old are you now? It's normal once you have enough distance from the past, to start having it invade your life a bit because your body has kept score and now needs you to address it. Most people start to break a bit once they are in their 30s, sometimes later than that.

I started to break when I was 29. It was very hard but I am happier now. I could talk about myself here for pages but I won't - I just want you to know you are NOT alone. Not at all.

What dreadful parents. But you have proved you were strong enough to get by on your own. You didn't need them then and you don't need them now.

And you absolutely do deserve your husband and your beautiful little girl.

I understand .
CBT really helped me.
I realised I'd been searching for my mother most of my adult life.
She died when I was a teenager. But what I needed and found was me. I was the mother I needed x