Advice needed - in laws and ex not sure they want to be involved with baby on the way.

[Rtmhwales]

About three months ago my husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore, that the idea of marriage and having kids was terrifying and that at 30 he wanted to move back in with his parents for the rest of his life and take care of them in their old age (they’re all of 50 now..). We’d been together just over a year, married six months and living together 9 months, but before that he’d never lived anywhere but with his parents. It was really horrific - he was just gone and I decided to leave the UK and move home to Canada. Less than two weeks home in Canada, still reeling, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive despite being on birth control.

I let my ex know he was going to be a father the first week of December and he demanded I get an abortion repeatedly before finally saying he was an adult and would “take care of his responsibilities”, whatever that means. I haven’t heard a word from him since, nor have I contacted him. I’ve forwarded along the scan images I’ve been to in case he wanted them and that he was just taking time to come around to the shock.

My bigger issue is this - I was very close with his parents our entire relationship. They’re absolutely lovely. His mother was baffled he’d want to live with them forever and stated that’s not what she wanted for him - she wanted him to stay with me - but as his mother she’d always love and support him. I sent her an update on the baby around Christmas and got back a polite but seemingly uninterested reply. Yesterday when I found out it’s a boy, I sent her another update and said I’d be more than willing to facilitate a relationship between baby and grandparents. After 36 hours she wrote back saying her and her husband are having a hard time deciding what to do and what would be the best for me, them, the baby and her son.

I find it absolutely heartbreaking that nobody seems to think that the baby should be put first. So I guess I’m asking is do I leave it be and stop contacting her? Do I continue to send updates for their first grandchild? I don’t want to have to tell my son I cut contact with them because it upset me but nor do I want to force them to have a relationship with him when he’s born if they’re just going to resent him. I’m so confused on what’s best for right now.

I'd say the ball is in their court, you have been nice and there isn't a lot else you can do. In my opinion your baby is better having you as a loving mum and no dad than having a dad who can't be arsed and is perhaps in an out of his life or makes it obvious he doesn't want his son.

You don't have to cut them out as such, just don't initiate any more contact

Send a photo when he is born but otherwise leave them to it. You and your baby deserve better. Congratulations on your baby by the way!

Congratulations. You have reached out the hand of friendship and they have your contact details. You have done enough. Concentrate on you and your bump.

Oh dear.

I'm trying to look at it from their point of view. Big 30 year old man child moves back in with them after they got rid of him apparently forever (poor people).

He finds out you are pregnant, goes into panic mode and repeatedly asks you to get rid of it.
Goodness only knows what he's told them but I wouldn't have thought he'd been very easy to live with since getting the news if his initial reaction is anything to go by.

I actually feel pretty sorry for the in-laws.

Maybe send them a message saying 'ok I can understand that, would you like me to continue to send updates on your grandchild?'

Best of luck with the pregnancy, I'm sure you and your child will be fine with or without them.

He is probably saying there is no guarantee the baby is his.
They will also (sadly) have this doubt, & not know how to work this ...
Could you ask them, simply, whether they want any future contact with their own flesh & blood ? That you won't force them, they can contact you at any time, but you are not going to jump through hoops further.

& yes, it won't be you that cut contact, you have been more than fair, its them that have refused it.

I would send something like @billybagpuss's message, and see if they respond. It's a real shame they can't see past their involvement with their waste of space son! If I was them I'd be so disappointed with him, and he definitely wouldn't be staying with me.

Maybe his parents really are having a hard time deciding what they should do? Your ex ILS haven’t closed the door, and you don’t know what's going on in the background. They could be trying to persuade their son to man up and shoulder his responsibilities without actually nagging him to do so. In other words, they may have taken a back seat. Just send them updates, but don’t expect much back - yet.

Firstly Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I should imagine they are finding this situation really difficult and don't know what to do. You don't know what he is saying to them. He might be telling his parents he doesn't know whether he wants contact with the baby. Saying he will take care of his responsibilities is not the same as saying he wants to be a dad, he might just mean he will take financial responsibility.

His parents might be fearful that if they keep in touch with you and celebrate this impending grandchild, they will end up heartbroken in the future if their son doesn't want contact with you and his baby and asks his parents not to keep in touch too. They might be worried if they bond with their grandchild, you may in the future meet someone new and cut them off.

I would message his parents and say something along the lines of.... "We've always had a good relationship and I hope this will continue despite exH and I no longer being together. I very much want you to be part of my son's life, you will always be his grandparents regardless of whether exDH and I are together or not. I feel really confused at the moment, I know you're in a really difficult position and I don't want to make it any harder for you. Would you like me to stay in touch and continue to send you updates?"

Congratulations

You’ve reached out and that’s all you can do at this point. I’d acknowledge their email neutrally but then leave it at that until the baby is born. Once it’s born, send an email with a photo then leave it up to them. That’s all you can do. No point pushing the situation or them. It’ll cause you undo stress which you don’t need or want. You’ve done what’s best for your baby.

Thanks all. I think I’ll leave it open to them if they want to get in touch and otherwise just reach out when he’s here.

As for my ex potentially saying he’s not the father, that’s not the case - he’s admitted to friends and family it’s definitely his baby and the court order offers a paternity test as well, which I’ve encouraged him to take (rather than deal with any lingering doubt if any of them have it). I hope they come around, feels sad to lose out on grandparents just because of piss poor timing and circumstance.

Congrats on the baby. I hope it all works out for you and you have a wonderful life with your son. You’ve done all that you can. Don’t keep trying. Focus now on yourself and your baby. Build up your support network. Attend groups and classes. Put all your focus and energy into you and your baby. Your in laws should kick him out. How can they tolerate a giant man child hiding from life and responsibilities like this. They are now stuck with him. He won’t be looking after them, it will be the other way around. Mummy is back to fussing after him and he doesn’t have to do any chores and gets fed. Back to the hotel of Mum and dad. Warped.