Does it get better?

[Whatdoido17]

It’s been almost four months since I found out about my H’s affair. Every time I think it’ll be ok, we can get through this, I get floored again and don’t think we can. It seems to be getting worse as time goes on not easier? Is this normal? X

Are you still together?
Did you agree to try?
What is he doing to help you get the trust back?
I couldn't do it.
I knew very soon on from agreeing to try that I would never forgive or forget.
You see a lot of women on here coming back after 2 years or more saying they just can't do it anymore.
It will take a lot longer than 4 months though.
Are you having joint therapy / counselling?
Are you having counselling on your own to help you through this?

Yes we’re still together at the moment but I’ve told him this weekend I think we’re over. I had an affair 4 years ago so I feel like I really have to try or I’m a hypocrite. He had an EA for the first 2 years of our relationship with someone he’d had a physical affair with before we met. He still says it was just friendship it wasnt and I was hurt then as I am now but I know the pain does fade in time. It’s just he’s broken my trust twice, both times when I thought we were in a good place. We’ve been to Relate which was really good for him as he could talk about what I did and how it had affected him (he wouldn’t have any counselling at the time) but I was just saying the same things and didn’t think we were getting anywhere so the counsellor stopped the sessions. I think I need individual counselling. I was going to go before his A because the guilt over what I’d done was starting to eat away at me, I don’t feel guilty anymore after what he’s done but know I’ve got lots of issues I need to sort out. At first he didn’t do anything to try and win me back, he says because he was so angry at me for my A I think because he wasn’t sure who he wanted to choose and now everything he does seems to late. It took him ages to change his number, I found out he’d been using a secret browser etc but I do have access to his email, messages, phone calls now.
I do love him but I just don’t know if we’ve caused each other too much pain? Or do we just try and wipe the slate clean and start again?

It's very possible he didn't heal from your A and you both didn't do the hard work required after an A. You A may have just been rugswept.

You say he didn't try and win you back? Did you try and win him back after your A? If so how?

What is it you want and need from him? Have you communicated that to him?

Do you have children?

He definitely didn’t heal from my A and it was swept under the rug, but I asked him to go to
Counselling and he wouldn’t. That’s why it’s helped him now because he’s been able to talk about it. We had 3dc before my A, we’d got so bogged down with everything we didn’t spend time together, afterwards I made sure I messaged him loads, complimented him in everything, I did stop having a life that didn’t involve him not because he asked me to but because I didn’t wasn’t to out him through any unnecessary worry wondering where I was etc. I also told him everything. I felt the only way to move
Forward was for him to know it all. That’s why I’m finding it so hard now when he says he can’t remember or changes little details. That’s the problem he’s doing everything now but it all feels too late. When I was begging him to show me he wanted me he didn’t and now I’ve hardened myself to him. We have two houses and he’s offered to sign one over to me fully so I have hat security but they both have a mortgage on and I’m going back to study in September so he knows that I can’t get a mortgage on my own to cover one of the mortgages, so again I just feel likes it’s a big gesture he doesn’t have to deliver on. We now have 4dc.

So I found out that he did meet up with her more than he told me, apparently not to have sex as it was in the middle of the day and they spoke and texted a lot more than I was led to believe. I knew all this anyway but how can I ever get over that he has looked me in the eye these past 4 months and lied and lied even when I was upset and hysterical begging him just for the truth? As much as I love him I don’t think I can get past the lies since the A.

That is basically what cheaters do though.
They lie.
The fact you told him everything after your affair doesn't mean others do the same.
They rarely do.
They tell what they think they can get away with.
So what now for you?
If you can't get past it then you need to get some legal advice.
Find out where you would stand upon separation.
What benefits, tax credits, housing etc.... you would be entitled to and how much maintenance.
You may find you can study and live as well.
Then take it from there.

Thanks Hells Bells. If he’d have told me everything at the beginning we’d be on our road to recovery now. I told him that hundreds of times and he knows it’s true especially after what I did how could I not try and forgive him and work on our marriage? We’d had an awful couple of weeks and then on Monday he was crying and I felt so sorry for him and we had a really nice few hours talking about how we could possibly start again. We went to a gig that night and I absolutely love one of the songs played and I said let’s have this as our new song, let’s have a fresh start. Yet he was just lying to me. I’ve looked into what I’m entitled to and I would be ok along with working and any maintenenace off him. I’m just completely messed up with all these conflicting feelings. It’s not like he’s even begging me for forgiveness, he’s acting quite defiantly but I don’t know if that’s just a front to hide his upset or not!

I think you need to have a good relationship with yourself before you try again with anyone else.

Vitalogy I completely agree. I went to counselling on Monday and she said she doesn’t think I need any! I’ve transferred my appointments to my H because he definitely needs it. Not for us but for himself. Apart from this crap going on I’m actually ok, which is what’s gutting. In the weeks before he started his A i was at the happiest I’d ever been, with myself and in our relationship so it’s hit me completely out of the blue. Even if we do split up I know I will be fine, I won’t be staying with him because I rely on him or think I need him! I’m so worried about the DC. We would keep it amicable, but why’re still going to be so hurt aren’t they?