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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So so so sad - help

40 replies

fruity12 · 19/02/2018 11:45

I left my partner a few weeks ago, I moved in with him and it didn't work out
He has bad moods and tempers and I thought living together would be a reason for him to snap out of it
I love him so much as we had some great times and family holidays and I loved his family which we were very close
He is now very sorry and says he doesn't want to lose me - I gave him chance after chance and each time things never got any better
He says now if we went to relationship counselling then we may have had a chance
But due to his moods and how he would treat me in arguments they always got out of hand so in the moment I would always get hurt and want him to change and see how he has hurt me but he never seemed to
With all this in mind, why does my heart ache ? I'm really struggling to try move on
I know I wouldn't but I don't want to fall back into contact, then getting back together
We are now civil and I'm moving in a couple of weeks but he is saying things like let's go get dinner, or go for a coffee when we have spare time etc but I'm finding to so hard I don't think I should

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 24/02/2018 09:17

He was horrible yesterday saying I'm dressing differently, working more hours just to see my boss Which is ridiculous - he's convinced I have a boyfriend

It's nothing to do with him. Why are you letting him get away with this?

He's been stalking you to see where you are? Police. This is a crime.

Cut contact totally. Get legal advice about the debt.

Block.

Withhindsight · 24/02/2018 09:22

Stay strong OP- you are in love with an idea, the nice bits he put on show to trap you with, it's not the real him. Agree you should delete and block once you move. He can see he is loosing control so is grasping at straws saying your seeing your boss. Next you'll have been shagging your boss for months and leading him on and only moving out because you've met someone on line, yawn. You have seen the light, keep going and don't look back. It's hard when you realise you loved an idea you've been sold and it's not real, but they key is to realise it's not and never can be real. Leave him to trap the next poor woman because that's what he does, it's not you, it's him. Move on

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 24/02/2018 09:25

I’m going through the exact same thing @fruity12 and it’s so hard when you love someone but you know they’re not right for you. Well for recognising that and acting on it, that’s almost the easy bit - the hardest bit is getting on with life afterwards, especially if he’s promising you the world.

Just keep replaying the horrid arguments instead of the nice bits, remember how he made you feel when he spoke to you like that. That you no doubt told him repeatedly that you wouldn’t accept that behaviour and he carried on anyway.

I tried counselling with my verbally abusive partner but he just used things that were said as ammunition in our next arguments and never really changed in any meaningful way because he never accepted he had done anything wrong. Or he twisted what the counsellor said to fit his narrative.

I go to counselling on my own now and she said it’s like an addiction and you have to go cold turkey. Every time you go back for another hit you send yourself back to square one and have to deal with the withdrawal all over again.

Texting and looking at photos is methodone/nicorette - it’s keeping you addicted to the good feelings not cutting you off from them.

At a later point you can start to reminisce about happy times, but for now try to focus on the reasons you split.

Is there any way you can get your stuff together and store it elsewhere to save tou keep going over there?

I know how painful this is for you but no contact is the best way, even if for a few weeks to break the pattern of addiction. Then when you speak to him after that the magic will have faded.

Is he your little one’s dad? If you need to keep in contact for them you need to keep it brief, focused on the child and emotion free.

fruity12 · 24/02/2018 10:10

No he's not my los dad, which is a bit of luck - we were even trying for a baby at one point so I'm greatful now as he would have made my life hell

I'm off to my 1st counselling session today
I believe he would have done exactly the same as your boyfriend you know

Yes it is so hard and now he has got very upset before I left saying he wants to sort it out
Thing is I've been promised the world before as I took him back last year and nothing changes because now I know it wouldn't ever change again

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 24/02/2018 10:12

Op, well done on getting out and its understanably to feel sad even if its the right decision.

Your ex sounds very abusive and I am sure it would have got worse.
To a rational person being abusive doesn't make sense and therefore you think and hope it can change

However abusive men will only change when they accept their behaviour is wrong.Since he is suggesting couples counselling he is still seeing the problem as you, not him.
Abusive behaviour has deep roots so very difficult to change (most therapists would say this).It is more than "just" anger management as their sense of entitlement makes their anger feel justified.

His comments about you having an affair is the justification for leaving him.He denial about his behaviour means he is looking outside himself to find the problem.That is your biggest clue that he will not change.

If you went back I bet it would get worse as he now knows you would leave him therefore his control of you would have to be tighter.
Lundy's book "why does he do that" will help you to keep strong as I am sure you will see your ex described in it.

It hurts when you realise the relationship has to end and its natural to grieve.You will absolutely get over it however and be stronger in the future and more alert to abusive men.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 24/02/2018 10:55

I believe he would have done exactly the same as your boyfriend you know. They all do. Sadly they’re not as unique as they like to think they are!

I hope your counselling helps. I’ve spent the last year talking about my ex and my relationship in counselling - wasted several hundred pounds and many hours worrying about how I could fix it.

Don’t waste your time talking about him, make it about you. Use your sessions to figure out why you have stayed with him as long as you have, what you need from life, what you need from yourself and - once you have that figured out - what you need from a future relationship. Flowers

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 24/02/2018 10:57

Great post Hermionie

fruity12 · 24/02/2018 11:02

Hermonie great post, very moving, thank you
This forum and this thread has been amazing to me and I've found such great support
I'm feeling very positive today
I've dropped lo off and now off shopping for my new place then might get my nails done then my app is at 130

OP posts:
fruity12 · 24/02/2018 11:03

My relationship is weird
Another great post - all what you said too thank you
Thank you everyone xxx

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 24/02/2018 16:27

Great. I’m glad to hear you’re looking forward and putting a positive twist on it. There are bound to be hiccups but you know you’re doing the right thing x

fruity12 · 25/02/2018 16:00

One week tomorrow and counting !!!!! I cannot wait to get out
He's starting to get the message I think. He's now blocked on Facebook and what's app
Left my phone for him to be able to message as we still have debt to sort
Haven't spoken to him and he's only sent one text asking how I am which I've ignored
Once the money is sorted, I'll block him from my phone too
Feeling ok today - weekend at my mums but as my stuff is spread out everywhere sure I'll start to feel better once I can move next Monday

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/02/2018 20:04

Well done for not replying. Once you have all your stuff together and your debt sorted you can truly move on. While there are still ties to him it’s hard, as you’re in limbo waiting for it to be sorted.

You’ve got this Flowers

fruity12 · 01/03/2018 20:39

So I got my first instalment today
He's paid me £200 which he owes and now £100 per month
He asked if we can meet for coffee so I can ' let out my anger ' on him
He said he's thinks it would be cleansing for me ?!
Said I never wanna talk to him again and he kept saying about meeting and he knows I still love him he knows when we look at each other that there will be a glint
Honestly I'm so hurt how he's treated me, there isn't a glint anymore anyway

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 01/03/2018 20:52

Yeah you’re right not to meet him: even if you think there’s no glint it’s still dancing to his tune. I made this mistake, there was still a glint and he knew it, made me feel like a dick for even showing up . And you know he doesn’t want you to let out your anger, he wants to charm you back into his arms.

fruity12 · 01/03/2018 21:43

Yes exactly! You're absolutely right.
I'm definitely not going to meet him
X

OP posts:
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