Self absorbed exh’s - sigh

[moonfacebaby]

After a relatively decent amount of time of not falling out about something, things kicked off with the exH yesterday.

His poor, fragile ego was bruised by DD1 not wanting to go to the holiday club he’s booked her into. He lives over 90 miles away, so generally has her for the half terms & half the other holidays to make up for no midweek overnights or any help at all for me when I’m juggling work & all the kids day to day stuff.

She’s 12 - so at that age where she wants to be with friends. She is also dealing with her feelings towards her dad - he had an affair & is with the OW (have been for 5 years). DD feels that he prioritises his relationship with his girlfriend over his relationship with her - living so far away, dropping his original contact plans of 2 weekend on, 1 weekend off for EOW & half terms so “he has time for his relationship” (his exact words to her), endless city breaks, weekends away with his girlfriend etc.

She had counselling last year to deal with these feelings after she self-harmed. I am very protective of her & it’s hard to see her hurt about her dad - she wants to talk to me about it & there are times when it’s very difficult to hide my feelings about him when I see how distraught she is. For example, over Christmas, he went to the Canaries for a week - he dropped the kids back on Boxing Day & she didn’t hear a thing from him until the 3rd Jan - so 10 days. No text to say Happy New Year, no phone call, nothing. It doesn’t help that he’s so bloody self-absorbed - everything is about him, I have to tread very, very carefully if I want to bring anything up as he will kick off - he genuinely seems to think he is the victim in all of this. Apparently, I made him have an affair, and I’ve essentially primed his daughter to not respect him - oh, & I’m so amazing, that I can even make him fall out with his girlfriend!

The poor man has had lots of counselling the deal with the “fact that his daughter doesn’t respect him & think he’s a cheating failure”.

I have had friends suggest that I do the Freedom Programme as they think his behaviour is emotionally abusive/manipulative. I struggle with this massively - I can see that some of his behaviours could be seen as that. But it’s like he isn’t enough of those things to qualify? I don’t know - all I do know is that I have never dealt with anyone in my life like him, who has this ability to make me doubt myself & start to think I’m this terrible, awful person that is solely responsible for all the shitty things in his life.

I’ve learnt not to engage. I was so tempted to tell him to fuck off yesterday, but I didn’t - experience had taught me that he will not listen to anything I have to say & will get stuck in with a character assassination of me. Poor DD saw my reaction to his texts - I literally shake when he starts doing this & I was close to tears. I don’t like her to know what goes on, buts it’s hard to hide it when it kicks off like this.

I’m tired. Tired of knowing I’ll have to deal with this for the next 12 years (DD2 is 6). Tired of seeing how this affects my kids, tired of shouldering all the day to day practicalities & trying to be both Mom & Dad to two children. Tired of worrying that I’m impacting their future mental health as I’m trying to do the job of two people, as he is largely not really doing his part. I juggle two teaching jobs, working four days a week - they take a lot out of me mentally & I do struggle with being fully present for both of them.

I’m strong - I’ve dealt with his affair, a hideous divorce, his horrific outburst where he told me he wanted me to die whilst having a c section with DD2 (for context, it was due to him hearing complications whilst sat outside the theatre & him thinking he would cope better if I died, as dealing with my grief over the death of our daughter would have been too difficult for him. It was during the divorce that he spat out this little gem. The gaslighted me after, saying that I misheard what he said, or misinterpreted it) & all sorts of other stuff as you crack on with life.

I struggle with trust now. I’m good at hiding it for the most part. But I have seen how you never really know someone & what they are capable of. I can’t still quite match up exH to the man I married - they seem poles apart.

I’ve posted because I just needed to get it all out. I’m such a private person these days & I find reaching out for support quite difficult. I’m scared that this will kick off big time - if DD1 kicks off with exH, I will get the blame. He will vent his frustration on me. And I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I’ll manage - I always do - and I’d just appreciate your thoughts, or tips & experience for dealing with a man like this....

This is the risk we all take when we create life with another person. Great when we're in love and therefore treating each other with adoration and overlooking all flaws etc awful when none of that remains but we still have to negotiate civility to someone we could happily see disappear from our lives forever. Its not easy all round.

i’ve learned to disengage

I mean this very kindly but no, you have not. If you can find a way to stop caring about all these little things about him, it will give you the space to just focus on you and your dc and move on.

If you don’t get rattled by him and can get to a place where you think ‘meh’ about him, then your mental health will improve and the tension will lessen. This will help your dd1 accept things, too.

I get how hard it is (and have totally been there, it’s a lonely horrible place) but your kids will get older and it won’t always be like this.

He sees them EOW and half terms, it’s not loads but given the distance that’s not awful.

And it sounds like he saw them for Christmas. The fact he didn’t wish them happy new year or speak for ten days - well in my house that’s normal. This stuff doesn’t have to be damaging. It depends whether you let it get to you or not.

I hesitate to suggest counselling because you are under pressure with two demanding jobs. But if you can get some I feel you could really free yourself from some of this.

Meantime have some

I would try, if you can, to focus on

1. does he have contact with them
2. does he pay maintenance
3. does he parent them (although it was a clumsy and unpopular option for dd1, he did at least take the initiative and book some holiday childcare, he didn’t disappear from the face of the earth).

Time to get rid of all the angst and resentment and get to a point where you can just say to him ‘actually dd1 prefers to stay around her friends this term or could she come for half the hols only...’

Believe me, if I can move on from feeling like this, so can you.

He is emotionally abusive and I think getting proper help to deal with him is a very good idea. Seek out a counsellor with specialism in separation and PTSD. You are divorced so you don’t need to listen to his outbursts or opinions or views on anything. As your daughter is now 12, maybe think about getting her a very simple mobile so they can make arrangements between them? Make it so he has to talk to her directly? Surely you don’t have to be their intermediary forever? You could also speak to a solicitor about how old she has to be before she can decide on her own contact? I’m pretty sure that they have the ability to say if they want contact or not at that age. If he vents at you, simply delete the message. Only respond to simple, practical messages. Is there anybody who could act as an intermediary? Like one of his parents? So you and he don’t have to have any direct contact at all? If he is ranting and venting then that is abuse and you are no longer married to him and do not need to tolerate that. Speak to women’s aid about your options for dealing with it.

He does pay maintenance & sees them regularly - I can’t fault that. The distance he lives is an added complication, primarily it exists because of the job he does. Although he did state that he couldn’t move as “his social life will suffer”....but he also wouldn’t earn as much & as I have a mescher order on the house, it would also mean selling up. I’m in no position to secure a mortgage as I don’t earn enough, so it would be rented for me. This is all irrelevant anyway as he really wouldn’t move - he enjoys the trappings of being a high earner.

When I said I have learnt to disengage - it’s more that I don’t react verbally to him anymore. Most of the time. It’s just not worth the hassle.

I have had counselling & I do suspect that I have suffered from PTSD - I was a wreck for a while. Lost a lot of weight, became hyper vigilant about behaviour/trawling the internet to find answers, constant tonsillitis & lots of anxiety. I’m better now - just get periods of feeling a bit defeated by it all. I soon pick myself up & crack on with life.

DD does have a mobile & potentially that could be a way to remove any interaction from me - or at least reduce it. If she decides she doesn’t want to see him, then I will support her with that (I’ve been advised to do so by my counsellor). There is no option for his parents to step in - his dad died 5 years ago & his mum has remarried & lives too far away to do anything like this. I’d feel uncomfortable about involving her anyway.

Thanks for all your advice - I appreciate your perspectives & experience.

I don't allow DS dad to have the mobile number for DS, I can't trust him tbh.

I agree with Hipster, you have learned not to react, that's not disengagement. I know this because I've been where you are and yes they do get to us in ways others just don't.

Your DD has a right to refuse to go to a holiday club, she is probably at a stage where she's outgrown them, and anyway, kids start wanting to spend more time with their mates at this age and upwards.

You advise him of her decision. yes he will try to bully you and make you think you are being uncaring etc. Remind him that his 'care' is conditional on not having something or someone better to do and that he may not like the truth, but he showed her who he was at christmas, she's hurt and has decided NOT to go up there just to be stuck in a holiday club she doesn't want to attend.

Then leave it at that. You have said the truth, you have conveyed her wishes and that's that.

I think your should do the freedom programme. He is an abuser, a narc. I recognise a lot of what you post.

What you have to bear in mind is: he will do to your daughters what he's done to you. Just bear that in mind. He'll do it to anybody and everybody, no differentiation. So don't be bending over backwards to facilitate contact. (obviously in most situations it's preferable for kids to have a relationship with both parents but when a parent is a narc normal rules don't apply)

So do the Freedom Programme so you are conversant with the FACTS. It'll help you immeasurably, you'll stop shaking for a start.

Holidays always seem to increase stress, due to change of routine, so perhaps consider that in future and be mentally prepared.
I am in a similar situation, dc at a stage where they prefer to be flexible around seeing ex but he insists on rigidity and his way.

Like you I can disengage mostly from ex but find his treatment of dc hits me hard.My instinct to reduce their hurt but in reality that is impossible.All I can do is to help validate their feelings and then mop their tears afterwards.

I guess you have to try and let go of any hope he will be a decent parent.The lack of contact over xmas is just something your dc will need to get used to..when he doesn't need them he won't be thinking about them.

Just remind yourself you are doing a good job and mostly you can block him and live happily.I find youtube exellent for support as lots of info on abusive ex partners.

Just to clarify - he did see the kids over Christmas. I think DD was hurt that he effectively disappeared for the 10 days after - it’s more to do with not receiving a happy new year text or phone call.

He also took both the girls on holiday one year to Spain - I went to Tenerife with my partner. So you’d think that’s easy for texting & calling, wouldn’t you? I’d checked with my mobile provider prior to going away. I sent texts, tried to call - nothing. I didn’t speak to the kids for a week & it put a dampener on my holiday. He’d apparently had issues with his phone (which I’m not sure I believed - he could have use his girlfriends phone instead). DD1 barely ate that holiday - she was poorly & I also think she found it hard being away from me (more to do with feeling sad about her parents not being together). I was so bloody angry with him - and not remotely convinced he had issues with his phone.

This was one of many things happening at the time - late maintenance payments (a week late a couple of times, a few days late several times), for example.

I eventually blew up at him (this is a pattern - he tends to push things, subtly at times - until I explode). Of course, nothing is ever his fault - late payments were because “he was having two lots of counselling & could barely get out of bed”.

Some of his behaviour is subtle enough to make you question whether it is deliberate.

The last few times I’ve seen him, each time he moans about how DD on his weekends. How he took her on a camping trip & at the end of the day, sat on her phone. How she disappears to her room at his. How she sees a friend - doesn’t spend time with him. It appears that he expects her to fawn over him, or pay him attention for the whole time he has contact. It’s me, me, me with him - no recognition that this is perfectly normal behaviour for a 12 year old.

Springydaffs - I’ve wondered whether he’s a narc, sociopath etc. It’s hard to get my head round that - he really wasn’t like this when we first met. He’s had an entirely normal upbringing too - no abuse, or trauma that could lead to behaving the way he does.

I am worried about how he will affect my daughters. DD1 won’t bring things up with him - I’ve tried to encourage her to discuss stuff with him, but she says he gets angry/won’t listen.

If I were to ever suggest to him that he was abusive/ a narc (I won’t), he’s go ballistic - accuse me of being the abusive one...

It’s mainly me he directs it to, to be honest ....

Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

I don't think anyone is abusive here. It's typical single fatherly ineptitude. If he was great youd still be with him. I don't personally think it helps to analyse. This is how it is particularly with separated dads and daughters. What we live with every day, the little disappointments and annoyances and cross words with our girls, they see as yet another female they don't know how to handle. Sigh,