How do I get DH to go?

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The background is a long story, and I’m not going to go into it here. I’ve decided that my marriage is over, and it has been for a while. DH wants to take a break (sees it as a temporary thing until I “miss him” and ask him to come back!!). We agreed in November that he should move out as I’m the primary care-giver and technically it is my house.

The thing is, he his still here. He hasn’t even started looking for anywhere else. It’s driving me mad, I’m not being tolerant or nice about it or to him anymore. It isn’t a good atmosphere in the house for the DC (though I have to take this on faith as I’m autistic and have found the peace and quiet while DH and I don’t interact as much to be wonderful, and since he moved into the spare room I’ve had more sleep than I have had for a decade).

What am I supposed to do to gently an politely encourage him to get a move on? One of the reason the for the breakdown in the relationship is that he expects me to organise everything and to do most of it as well. He’s only interested in turning up at the end for the bits that are easy/fun/visible others. It has crossed my mind that he might not even know what to do as we’ve always lived together since leaving uni and I have always done the house hunting. He’s certainly never set up bills etc before and they are all in my name at our current house except the TV licence.

There’s no financial reason to not more out. I recently found out that he earns a lot more than he had told me, so he can afford to rent nearby. I’ve said he can tell me exactly what he wants for access to the DC and for contact with them, and we’ll do our best to make it happen as long as it is in their best interests. I’ve said he does not need to support me or the DC financially once he is gone. He says I’m unbearable to live with, so I just don’t understand why he is still here.

I’d be more than happy if he would engage in couples therapy and try to work out our problems, but he says he is not ready. We have tried, but is was as disaster as the therapist had no experience with autistic adults. I’ve now found a therapist who does, and I’ve been seeing her alone. She is convinced she could help us, but DH won’t go.

I’m very reluctant to do anything brutal to get him to leave, as I have concerns for his MH. I won’t change locks, or pack his stuff up or anything like that.

Have you filed for divorce?

just say
"You have one week to find yourself somewhere to live. If you can't find anywhere by then I can suggest some cheap hotels. I don't want to live with you anymore."

Have you actually asked him why he hasn't moved out yet?

If you don't do anything proactive about it then why would he bother to leave? Let him know he has a week to find somewhere to stay then act on it; change the locks and chuck him out.

Not filed for divorce as I still have days where I think we can fix everything. I don’t want to hurt my DC by leaving him unless there’s no other option. I am finding it increashard to be civil, let alone kind, to him though.

Ha ha Shox, because it's just that easy, isn't it!

What would you suggest then? Just let the situation drift along indefinitely and he carries on living there, probably having all the cooking and cleaning done for him, forever.

You have to be blunt. It sounds like he's always had everything organised for him, maybe it's worth helping him find a place, just to get him out of there?

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help as I am stuck with a fat smelly stbExH in the spare room since last summer.
I've lost friends because they said that clearly i "didn't really want him to leave" as otherwise i would have "asked properly"
We don't speak or interact, i certainly don't cook, shop, launder for him.
I suspect my stbExH is scared to live on his own, it's certainly not financial as, like you, I was in the dark about how much he earned.
I've got a court date now for financial resolution, hopefully he'll move on when that is done, otherwise i might have to get bailiffs or something.

So as i said, not helpful as I am in the same boat but I try and think of him as an unwelcome guest who is lodging in my house, and write lists of things I have to do when he goes.

Give warning that you need to talk and set a good time for that. At the talk give a deadline for him to work to. Offer him help with finding somewhere to live.
In the meantime, work out whether you want to turn it into an ultimatum of 'couples therapy or out'. You don't sound sure yourself at the moment.

Shox She can't just change the locks on the house that belongs equally to both of them. And how do you physically chuck someone out? Pick them up?

She hasn't said that she's asked him why he hasn't moved out.

Best is to follow the legal route. It sucks (I speak from bitter, bitter experience).

If he absolutely won’t go you need legal advice. The obvious way is to divorce him but as he part owns the house you cannot legally lock him out.

Let him know he has a week to find somewhere to stay then act on it; change the locks and chuck him out.

Yeah that'll work

It never ceases to amaze me how many posters believe that a wife can just change the locks to a house that is a joint marriage asset.

Ok then, changing the locks isn't an option but some definite assertive action is needed from the op to resolve the situation

Try a different tactic? Suggest he cannot cope alone?

Tell him you understand he is struggling to move on from you maybe he should seek counselling.

You know it's hard for him to manage to sort a place alone, maybe he should seek counselling or help from citizens advice.

It's hard to let go of you and you understand he is struggling with his emotions.

You know it's hard for him to move on and deal with life alone, probably best he finds someone to talk to about his feelings.

You recognise he is struggling since the relationship broke down, making a life for himself. Counselling may help the process.

He may decide to get his act together and move on.

Alternatively a solicitor.

You want him gone and to accept that your relationship is over I.e not a temporary separation ‘until you miss him and ask him to come back’ but you won’t file for divorce because you’re not sure it’s over. You know he’s lazy and is used to you organising everything but it hasn’t occurred to you that in order to achieve your goal of him moving out, it is in your best interests to organise new accommodation.

It sounds like you’re fixiated on him assuming responsibility for leaving as soon as possible when a) it isn’t what he wants and b) assuming responsibility isn’t his thing. The balls in your court and your H isn’t about to make it easy for you.

If you’re really not sure about ending your marriage, have you considered counselling? There’s no way you can end a relationship, especially with kids, without someone getting hurt. The goal is trying to limit the hurt and your resentment and hostility is doing the opposite of what you say you want.

File for divorce or promise to work on your marriage on condition of him living elsewhere while you do. Hedging your bets, especially with someone as indecisive —lazy— as your H is futile. Wether you like it or not he’s looking to you to make the decision, one way or the other. Instead of wringing your hands, take the initiative and decide.

Thanks 43percentburnt. I’ll try suggesting he goes to counselling again. He didn’t really make the most of it last time, but he still hasn’t managed to even tell me what he wants (stay together/split). He just waits for me to say what I want and then agrees, but doesn’t follow through with action...

It’s not a joint house, it’s mine, tho he has lived here for 9 years. He has paid in, less than me, but I wouldn’t try to deprive him of any assets that are rightly his. I’ve no interest in being cruel. I do find it hard to be as patient and kind as I should be, as he is clearly finding it very hard.

He has this odd mental image of himself as a great dad and great provider, but it’s not actually the case (he’s got no interest in two of the DC, and a clear favourite that he spoils. No interest in parenting, just being a fun dad.) He is finding it hard to see that other people don’t view him that way.

I have asked him why he’s still here and his answer fluctuates from being too busy to find somewhere else, to saying he still here because he’s “trying to make it work”, but he can’t articulate what it is that he is trying!

I’m exasperated, but perhaps the last think I do for him should be to find a suitable flat for him to move to.

As to thinking it could still work, you’re right that I need to put that thought to bed. I’m clearly being delusional, Isetan, and you’re right that he’s not suddenly going to take responsibility for this decision when it’s such a big one (and he can’t even decide what to order in a restaurant...)

The question I need to settle is whether there’s any way I could change so that his behaviour doesn’t annoy me so much. And whether I should.

Are you sure the Home isn't jointly owned? As you are married, all assets are joint.
I think you should tell him that you are seeing a solicitor to start sussing out how things work logistically from here. Not necessarily to start divorce proceedings, but to formalise a separation at least.
Tell him it's time to move out and set a realistic deadline for this. Start talking about child support and access arrangements.

I’m sure the mortgage is in my name, and the house is in my name at the land registry. I know it’s partly his asset and I have no desire to cheat him out of it in any way. But I am certain that legally the title to the house is mine although in equity my DH is entitled to part of it. I’m not interested in forceably throwing him out, but starting to see that I might have to.

You need to sit down and talk to him and come up with a plan of action. If that doesn't work then see a solicitor and they should be able to advise.