I don't know where to start.
But I know I am utterly desperate. Sorry for the long post.
I am now 40. I was with DH (45) for less than a year before we fell pregnant and got married. Now married 12 years, and have 3 kids 5, 7 and 11. He wants more, I don't because of how unhappy I am in the marriage. We have had no sex life for a year, I can't bear the thought of it, we sleep in separate rooms. He still shows me affection, but I don't want it. He works full time and has a job with international travel so I am often alone with the children. I work part time, do all the school run, lunches, organise the house, meals etc.
We have had some terrible downers, he accused me of an affair with a friend, which I never had, and to this day he still does not believe I did not sleep with this man. I admitted being interested in this man and was flirtatious with him, but nothing happened.
He was verbally abusive to me during all the pregnancies, always for a different reason. First time just ignored me, and complained about having to take me to appointments, even got extremely angry. Second one angry that I had apparently been 'moody' to his parents when they visited unannounced and stayed 2 weeks. Final one he was angry about my 'supposed' affair and would say awful things to me, like "I bet you enjoyed having his dck in you" when I was heavily pregnant calling me a sag and the c word.
We have had couples counselling for 2 years, and though some of his behaviour changed, I still don't feel happy. Obviously he denies there is anything wrong with any of his behaviour and says everything is my fault.
He continues to be snappy, moody, grumpy, he is a loner socially, and prefers us all to stay at home. He hates my 3 closest friends but doesn't mind the not so close ones, but hates when I go out. He sometimes shouts at the children, and I have NEVER been able to resolve conflict without it ending in an argument. The children complain about him to me, and he says they are making it up, I'm inclined to believe them, but also so confused. On the plus side he is a good provider, and can be very nice, he buys flowers every week for me, but it feels meaningless.
I have recently started to feel very depressed, and instead of him being around more he has taken more work on, which means he has to travel more, I resent him for this. To add to that he says he needs a break so has planned a weekend away with his siblings. I feel it is selfish of him because of how sad I feel and on the edge. I have stopped cooking, shopping, I'm feeding the kids instant food, crying all the time.
I feel like this marriage ended a long time ago, and we are both in denial. I constantly feel like I should file for divorce, but I am so scared, I don't want to ruin my children's lives, as I know he will make it an utter misery for me and them. He has already told me he will move overseas and I wont get a penny off him. I wont be able to afford to live and raise three children. I also suffer from PTSD from childhood, I am terrified of being alone in case the same thing happens to me again, or in case I can't function alone because of the severe PTSD anxiety.
I don't think anyone else would even want me.