It's over and I'm so sad

[EverythingElementary]

I am so sad and really in need of some support.

Have NC for this. A couple of weeks ago my dp told me our relationship was over. It was a bolt from the blue for me and I am devastated. He says it has been a very long time coming and he has thought it through, yet has not once told me he was at crisis point.

We don't live together. We aren't perfect, we have definite issues to overcome and are actively doing so. Yet he hasn't been able to wait and I am just broken hearted. He is all I've ever wanted and after my xh left me several years ago, i truly thought this was it. He's amazing: thoughtful, kind, caring - just a really lovely man. We had a whole future planned together and I still very much want that with him.

We are taking some time apart, no contact and I am struggling badly. I miss him terribly and I just want us to be back together. I am composing an email to send him which I am hoping might persuade him to reconsider but it's taking ages as there's so much to say.

The evenings are really hard going and it's got to the point that I'm just dreading them. I inevitably have a couple of glasses of wine and end up very upset. I have a teenage dd and I've been able to mostly hide this from her because she's always in her room, but it's obviously not ideal. I feel desperately lonely in the evenings. Pretty much every evening I am just crying myself to sleep and then waking a couple of hours later and that's it for the night.

How do I cope with this? The evenings are so tough. I miss him so much, but I know I need to try to get a grip on myself and toughen up. I feel like a burden to my friends. I want him back and am prepared to go the no contact route for a while to let things settle and to write a calm, composed message but in the meantime I feel so awful, I just don't know how to cope with this.. any words of wisdom anyone?

Sorry but I think you have to accept it's over. No point begging him back if he wants to be with you he will come back to you.

I'm so sorry, I've been there, and it just hurts so much doesn't it? It sounds as if you're doing really well at keeping going, and there isn't an easy fix, just keep doing what you're doing, and try to put him out if your mind every time he pops into it and think of something else. It won't work well at first, but gradually you'll find you're going longer without him being your main thought.
And though its a cliche, keeping busy is a good idea, as it fills up the time and distracts you.

Accept invitations from friends, maybe start something new, do stuff that would be fun if you weren't miserable, and gradually, you'll find it starts to be more enjoyable.

Thanks XmasinTintagel, yes it’s awful. I just feel desolate and miss him terribly. Thanks for the advice. I will try and take it on board and act on it.

I'm so sorry that you're upset, EverythingElementary, I remember what this is like and it hurts very much. I urge you though, whatever you do, DO NOT send that e-mail. Write it if you must and then leave it in your draft folder. I promise you that when you stop being bereft, you will start being angry with him for not being straight with you and, at that point, you will kick yourself if you send that.

Give yourself a bit of time each day to wallow - that and no more - and spend the rest of your time making your home, your days, your activities, all things that please you and your daughter. Show her how even when break-ups happen that it's not the end and that NO woman will be broken by a man...she might bend a bit but will not break.

I kept a journal. I restricted myself to a page a day (A5 size). At the beginning I could have filled a brand new journal every day... after a few months I barely wrote in it. I read it again at couple of years later and laughed at the crazy hopelessness of it all, then I cried at the wasted hours I'd spent - and then I burnt it and forgot it all... all that is except to know that never again would I be in that state again, I would always hold back a little - and protect myself a lot.

You can make a new life for yourself and it can be great. I'm sure you will, you have everything going for you. Come on, a little cry then dust yourself off and go on.

Time is great healer, just think you had a great life before him and you'll have a great one after him, everything happens for a reason.

I agree, dont send the email to him dont be so available, you can show that you can and will cope, I know its hard but tell your self your a strong woman and u can get through this xx

Everything, I really feel for you. I'm going through similar, although it was my choice, it is still really hard, as I loved him despite all our issues.

The only way I'm able to deal with the pain is to block him completely, not answer emails (I've composed a few but they always end up getting angry and overly complicated so I delete without sending, but it's cathartic to write them!)

I've been meeting up and chatting to friends to try and connect with people, as it was always very much just us two and I feel the loss of him all day long.

I'm also starting some evening clubs that I had let go when we were together. I realise how much of my life I spent just waiting for him to fill it. It was a huge pressure for him too, as I struggled when he withdrew the time from me for work/family etc and felt very short changed a lot of the time, as we didn't live together either, and I was at the mercy of his availability.

Like others have said, all you can do is continue the no contact, it's like a drug and when you contact him you get a temporary rush, then you have to go through withdrawal all over again and it hurts all over again.

It will get better, but only if you want it to. While you're still holding out hope that things will get better you can't move on. You say you don't really know what made him end things, what the crisis point was, but maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back?

I know from my POV, it was just a run of the mill argument like one we've had a hundred times before, but something shifted that night and I saw my future ahead of me, having the same argument, with the same lack of respect and the same tip-toeing around trying not to anger him and suddenly the love had gone. The chemistry was still there, which was hard, but when I think of him as a person I just don't really like him.

Sadly your DP may have just got to a point where it was 'death by a thousand cuts' - nothing major, just a build up of tiny little things that tipped the balance. So try to concentrate on what he saw, why he felt it really wasn't worth the angst of trying to fix it. It really shouldn't be so hard to be in love and we all deserve to live in a happy and relaxed way most of the time. Once the balance has shifted it's hard to go back.

Sending you and Hang in there. xx