"I could've punched her/him"

[Greenmachiiine]

Growing up, and even today (in my experience) it's a common phrase in conversations I overhear "so and so did my head in today. I could've punched her/him!" Recently met someone and he has said this expression on 2 separate occasions about a woman at work who gets on his nerves (when I've asked how his day was). No other signs of sexism/violence etc. Im not sure if it sits right with me or whether I'm overreacting. Just wondered what others' thoughts are. Is this a sign of deep sexism/misogyny/disrespect or is it just a turn of phrase?

I would come to the conclusion that he was a pig.

My family say this - all women though - and my sister likely would! My mum just says it as a turn of phrase so I'm not sure.

You're over reacting!

I've frequently said "i could have pushed him/her down the stairs". It's a mark of frustration, not violence.

If he was saying "One of these days I'm gonna get that bitch on her own and teach her a lesson she won't forget" then yeah that would be disturbing.

Thanks all. I think I'm just scared because you read so much about red flags.

Over reacting

I often say “so and so pissed me right off today! I could throw him under a bus” or “I could easily just whack him” but obviously I would never ever do either of those

I don’t like that kind of casual reference to violence. I don’t say things like that, I haven’t really heard people using it either. I think I wouldn’t date someone who said things like that because I’d find it aggressive and unpleasant but I also think context and frequency matter a lot. If someone said stuff like that occasionally when they were really angry but would never actually do it and it wasn’t all directed at one person that wouldnt be offensive to me but I wouldn’t like it, someone jokingly saying it wouldn’t bother me very much at all, someone constantly saying it for every slight in an aggressive way would bother me very much.

It seems to be a very different issue if a man says this phrase compared to a woman. If a man says it then hes a misogynist, or a pig according to Turkkadin... if a woman says it to a man, then by the sounds of it the man probably deserves it and is still a pig?
Aggression isnt a one sided gender issue these days.

Actually taylor statistically it still very much is.

I agree with Offred, that sort of casual reference to physical violence in the absence of extreme, justified anger would turn me off. I would just not engage with him any more than I had to.

It's not the same as expostulating "I'll fucking kill him" in a rage, or saying to a friend that you could cheerfully chuck your sulky 9yo out of a window, when everyone involved knows you love him to pieces and it's an affectionate joke.

It's not normal to default to that kind of language in the course of ordinary conversation.

Government generated statistics don't concern me, I go by what I see in daily life. On the roads, in shops, oh god! Women give as good as men from what I've seen in most cases.
The important distinction to make is between someone who verbally vents aggression apposed to one who is physically violent or engages in malicious passive aggressive behaviour.
I'm just wondering really is the real issue about general intent of violence, or gender and violence?

On Facebook forums, it’s acceotable to say OMG punch him for a plethora of ‘crimes’ none of which are a self defence scenario- crimes such as snoring, farting, and being a general lazy git. I don’t like it personally because if a mans response was punch her, (most) women would jump on it/him for using abusive language. I’m not a fan, but I also wouldn’t assume he would actually go in and punch colleague in the face. It wouldn’t be a red flag, just silly to me

I would never use that turn of phrase and I don't think I can be with someone who would say that about a woman. Be careful

Nope I would never say, I could punch someone or push them down the stairs as another pp said . I would never say it because I would never even think it.

I don’t hear people talking like this generally either thank goodness although the one person I know who uses aggressive and threatening language, supposedly in jest, is a body builder with anger issues and a very macho presence. He admits can’t go to the local pub for a quiet drink in case he ends up in a fight with someone.

It seems to be a very different issue if a man says this phrase compared to a woman. If a man says it then hes a misogynist, or a pig according to Turkkadin...

No, turkkadin said that she would think the person the OP is referring, in the circumstances OP describes, is a pig.

if a woman says it to a man, then by the sounds of it the man probably deserves it and is still a pig?

Who said that?

Aggression isnt a one sided gender issue these days.

Government generated statistics don't concern me, I go by what I see in daily life. On the roads, in shops, oh god! Women give as good as men from what I've seen in most cases.

Huh? Just what? Why is this? You think subjective glimpses of small parts of people’s public lives that you happen to see is more informative that statistics?

You are falling over yourself to randomly make this into a ‘MN is so sexist’ thread! When most people just said either ‘overreacting’ or ‘I don’t like it’ without mentioning biological sex.

The important distinction to make is between someone who verbally vents aggression apposed to one who is physically violent or engages in malicious passive aggressive behaviour.

According to whom?

I'm just wondering really is the real issue about general intent of violence, or gender and violence?

Well, speaking personally, primarily as I said that I don’t like casual use of aggressive language or general aggressiveness. You can’t actually ignore the biological differences or gendered issues though re threats of violence/casual use of aggression/aggressive language.

Offred wow that was a very time consuming response, employing a diligent copy and paste approach and all. Thank you, however your many questions indicate that you have not read the OPs comments and question quite as thoroughly (sexism...sexism...misogyny etc).
I am entitled to my opinions on anything I observe in life and I'm afraid statistics are notoriously biased at best and highly untrustworthy (especially if the government are involved).

I agree with Offred here. I wouldn’t use such phrases either, and would be a bit wary of someone saying such a thing twice, when I was just getting to know them. It sounds at the very least that they are too easily irritated and too keen to tell you about it.

I wouldn’t read a lot into it, but my eyebrows would go up and I’d make a mental note.

Ha ha ha ha ha.... Not particularly time consuming, yes I have read the responses thank you, I was saying you have read into the responses to find a bias against men, statistics are ‘notoriously unreliable’ and anecdotal experience of one person is more reliable is it?! Ha ha ha

Yes I found a bias against men in the situation that Greenmachiiine after they asked for an opinion on whether sexism might be at play in the aggressive comments she heard?

FYI I was responding to this; If a man says it then hes a misogynist, or a pig according to Turkkadin... if a woman says it to a man, then by the sounds of it the man probably deserves it and is still a pig?

That is not a fair interpretation of what Turkkadin, or anyone else on the thread, has said. That’s you looking to spin the responses to suit a ‘MN is so sexist’ agenda or simply just reading into things way too much.

I have said before, while speaking about a woman I don't like, that I'd like to kick her in the vagina. I am a woman. Does that make me a danger to women? Of course I'm not about to go around kicking anyone in the vagina.

I wouldn't necessarily take his turn of phrase as an indicator of anything more sinister if there aren't any other behavioural red flags, but I'm very hard to offend verbally as I have a fairly potty mouth myself

What you can’t ignore is that biological differences mean a man punching a woman is much more likely to cause serious injury than a woman punching a man. This biological fact means the threat of being punched by a man is more scary for a woman than the threat of being punched by a woman is for a man.

In addition, no matter what you believe about the issues re reliably measuring the interrelationship between gender and violence, it is incontrovertibly still the best way to measure the issue and it’s pretty blind to say violence and aggression is not a gendered issue.

That doesn’t mean women are not violent/aggressive and men are, that would be a massive and erroneous assumption re a very complex issue and is not what is meant when people talk about violence and aggression being a gendered issue.

I think if a female friend said this you would find the comment very lighthearted.

If someone said this in a professional setting it would make me nervous.

Id think it was an unprofessional thing to say but unless there were any other signs I would not consider it to be an actual red flag for violence because many many people who would never actually punch someone still use this as a turn of phrase.

I think it is understandable for women to interpret men’s casual use of violent/aggressive language as more threatening than other women’s and not always because you feel it actually means they will act out what has been said, often just because it is aggressive in and of itself and women have more to fear from aggressive men than aggressive women. Particularly heterosexual women.

I’m less confident re the relationship between violent/aggressive language and misogyny/sexism. Aggressive language can definitely be associated with toxic masculinity and sexism but it equally can be simply a sign that someone has a more aggressive personality type or is not uncomfortable with aggressive language.

All those things put me off someone though, male or female, which is why I wouldn’t like it.