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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not happy in my marriage

5 replies

Bookvan · 18/02/2018 17:01

Dh and I have been married 15 years. 2 dc, 10 and 3. Not been particularly happy for a while but not so unhappy I'd risk rocking the boat, causing upheaval to the dcs etc.

Recently I met up with a (male) work colleague for a drink. Not something I do very often, but we get on well, have a kind of gently flirty friendship.

For the record, dh often goes out with work colleagues, in a group and also just 2 of them. I have no problem at all with this.

So anyway, he didn't like it. And this opened a whole can of worms. I told him I wasn't particularly happy with a) the hypocrisy, b) his lack of interest in me and c) that I felt we are mates just co-parenting.

He said our sex life was boring and a chore but he still found me attractive. We discussed splitting up but neither of us are ready to make that leap.

We both agree that something needs to change but we both have to work full time to pay the bills and can't afford babysitters, nights out etc.

We're both walking on eggshells, he won't even look at me. I'm so hurt by the sex comments and the fact that I said I felt neglected by him and he's responded by ignoring me.

I don't know where we can go from here.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 18/02/2018 17:05

but we get on well, have a kind of gently flirty friendship

No I don’t think your DH was unreasonable here, unless he has flirty friendships - in that case the pair of you are making no effort. A marriage does take two.

Is counselling an option? You can work out from there what’s worth doing and also how to co-parent no matter what happens

MarieG10 · 18/02/2018 17:07

I think it sounds very hurtful but maybe things that needed saying. The thing to focus on is moving forward in a constructive way being mindful of the constraints you have. Can you get help from any relatives for childminding so that you can have some time together on neutral territory to discuss things in a more relaxed way and see if you can move forward. The reality is that sex is only part of it, but I don't think any relationship survives in reality without a reasonable and preferably a really good sex life. If you can't achieve that then the future will be bleak, but it sounds worth trying. It sounds already that the flirting is understandable but a red flag! Good luck and keep us posted

Bookvan · 18/02/2018 17:09

Dotcotton He does have flirty friendships. Ive never had a problem with this. He even has a 'work wife' which again, i trust him so no issue.

OP posts:
Bookvan · 18/02/2018 17:34

MarieG no family nearby.
We've had mismatched sex drives for some time, he'd be happy with once a month, I'd prefer every day but could cope with once a week. But now I'm too embarrassed and self conscious to even contemplate it.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 18/02/2018 17:50

So he finds sex a chore....at the once a month. I have to say that would put me off wanting it with him at all.

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