Numb and dumbfounded. Need someone to talk sense to me.

[Jstorm77]

I really did not see this one coming.

My marriage ended in September 2016. It was abusive and my confidence was at rock bottom. Last summer I started seeing a man I used to go to school with. At first I was very cautious, i was scared of getting hurt. I loved spending time with him, he was lovely, introduced me to his family, took me away for weekends. Very quickly he wanted me to go public with our relationship. I was hesitant because of past issues but I stupidly thought he must be really into me.

At the start of the year I had a slight burn out. He didn't think I was serious about him, my grandmother had just died and things were getting on top of me so I finished with him. He had wanted us to move in together and I wasn't sure. He was very upset at me finishing with him and I felt awful and did miss him so I got back together with him. We started looking at places together, I introduced him to my children who adored him and he seemed to adore them. Big mistake. I can't believe I've been so stupid.

Valentine's day we exchanged gifts. I noticed he seemed a bit off for a few days but I assumed it was because he was tired with work. He booked us flights for a wedding we had been invited to. Then yesterday he decides he doesn't know what he wants anymore, doesn't know if he loves me and said he has problems with commitment since his ex wife left him 3 years ago. This is the man who complained about me not being committed. I took a leap of faith and put my trust in him and now I feel broken hearted. I'm such a fucking idiot. I feel like a fool.

You had doubts then and he has doubts now. No one has been stupid. Do you see a future with him? Do you want to see if it can still work out or does this make you think he is not the one for you?

I did see a future with him, I really did. But he's taken away my faith in him. I honestly don't think he does want to me with me now and I'm not going to be chasing after him. I think I need to go away and lick my wounds. I'm just so annoyed with myself for letting myself get hurt again. Thank you replying to me.

You're not an idiot - you waited before introducing him to your children, very sensible. You had doubts - thats fine and now he has. That might be a temporary wobble or it could be the end of things which although sad doesn't mean you've been stupid. Also you can check in and see how he's feeling etc without having to chase him.

Was he cruel or abusive? If not, I think you need to reframe this in your mind. You came out of an abusive relationship and found another one that was good, just that after a while you weren't quite the right fit. That happens all the time. It's great that you didn't fall into the pattern of another abusive man, and great that you were both being honest about whether the relationship was working (sadly at different times so ended up hurting each other a bit, but I'm afraid that's par for the course).

Chin up, you haven't wasted ages with this man, he was a goodish match, just not quite right in the end. He didn't cheat or let it limp on - he was honest, it IS natural to have a commitment wobble after a bad marriage, and it's often a sign that the relationship isn't quite right. That means your instincts for a decent bloke are spot on and can serve you well next time.

Go and be sad and miss him for a bit if that's what you need to do, but don't be down on yourself. Don't chase after him either. It's not the relationship for you, but maybe a segue in to non-abusive relationships.

Obviously if he was actually horrible to you then ignore all that!

There's just so many things that are now apparent that I should have listened to and I didn't.

He has had more women than I've had hit dinners.

He said yesterday that this isn't the first time he's got to a certain point then backed off.

He mentioned a few months back that his dad asked him if he was sure about what he was doing.

His family have offered him financial help if he wants to get on the property ladder but then said they wouldn't if it was to move in with me.

I just wish he'd sorted his head and life out before getting involved with me.

No he wasn't horrible to Me, he was lovely. I knew something was up yesterday and had to practically drag it out him and I basically made his mind up for him then he almost looked relieved. Then I went home and done the psycho thing of gathering everything he'd ever gave Me, right down to little notes he'd written and everything he'd left here up and dumping it on his doorstep. I just miss him so much already. I know I'll be ok. It's just hurting a lot just now.

OK that's a little bit more red flaggy, but not disastrously so and not abusive. You're right, he sounds like he just hadn't sorted himself out yet and you unfortunately took the brunt of that emotionally.

To me it sounds as though he has probably got another relationship bubbling away on the back burner, and he's undecided about who to choose.
If you had been much more positive about living together, he would have moved in with you, but your uncertainty made him view his options again.

Telling you that his family would help him buy property but had withdrawn the offer if he was going to live with you ....
That's him giving you a bit of a test, will you say that it doesn't matter as you will fund everything, or will you put plans on hold till he has funding? Either way he finds out a bit about how far he can push you.

You've said you were in an abusive relationship, you will be quite vulnerable just now. Lots of men seek out vulnerable women who will be easy to control.
He has had many relationships, is he a player? How faithful will he be to you? I'd say tread very carefully, or you could be badly hurt.

Bloody hell Ada. Give it a rest.

I think you're panicking here op and you need to calm down. It's a bit rich you're blaming him when he's doing exactly what you did. I've been in an abusive relationship so I'm not taking out of my arse here, I know what I'm saying. You need to calm down and stop blaming.

The dumping everything on his doorstep was HIGH drama. Why would you do that? There's enough drama in this without you pushing it off the richter scale.

Do you know what springydaffs when I first read your post it stung me. But you're right. You've just shown me this is actually my fault and I planted the seed of doubt.

At the moment you are in shock and remembering all the good things BUT you had your own wobble a few months back. That was your instinct and it was right.

You had fun for a while. Waste no more time on a man you had doubts about.