30-something men with commitment issues

[101trees]

So I was married through the latter half of my 20s. Obviously didn't work out.

But the last time I was dating was my early 20s, I had heard of 'commitment issues', but mainly only from dodgy American soaps (sex in the city I guess?!).

So I find myself plunged into a whole new world of extremes with men in their 30s who are dating. It seems they are either one extreme or the other: desperate to jump into married life; or prone to freaking out and, heaven forbid, using the term g..g..g... girlfriend

What is this phenomenon all about? Why does it occur? What happened to the whole girlfriend boyfriend thing? Why is that so confusing? Why does the 'just hanging out but not seeing other people' thing exist??

I'm 33. Surely I'm not so old that the world has moved on this much in the last decade??

Also, just to be clear... I should have said 30-something YEAR OLD men with commitment issues...

Thankfully I have not dated over 30 Men with commitment issues. Yet.

I wonder if it's due to exposure to and societal acceptance of a wider range of relationship models - hooking up and FWB situations are more widely known about and practiced, Tinder is considered a normal way of finding such situations etc - that a greater number of men (and women) are less sure about and wedded to (excuse pun) the traditional idea of settled monogamous relationships / marriage as the only model for relationships and sex.

I'm a bit of a commitment-phobe myself (for want of a better term) and I'm a 30-something woman. I've got a great life going on what with a successful career, own home, ace friends and social life, hobbies and so on, and whilst I like the idea of a partner in theory and like the sex, affection, company aspect of dating, I'm not entirely sure I want to give up enough time and share a home with a man, which has led me to question and be a bit ambivalent about whether to seek a proper relationship.

Research attachment styles. Those men have an avoidant style and they have always been around! The reason you meet so many when you are looking to meet someone (especially 30 and up) is that they aren’t in committed relationships. The securely attached people probably are as they don’t have commitment problems!

Yes that’s right the entire male population has to be one thing or another .

Yes, absolutely I was referring to the entire male population there.

Thanks for some thoughtful replies to a semi-serious question. I particularly found this explanation helpful:

whilst I like the idea of a partner in theory and like the sex, affection, company aspect of dating, I'm not entirely sure I want to give up enough time and share a home with a man

That makes a lot of sense to me. Also the attachment styles.

I guess I'm perhaps over simplifying by looking back on dating 10 years ago as it was a different context where most relationships that were boyfriend/girlfriend ones were relatively non-serious; by which I mean most people were not thinking about relationships meaning marriage or kids etc. at that point, at least in my friendship group, 20s were perhaps more about being in the moment rather than thinking about the long term future of a relationship in the same terms. Now relationhips seem to come with greater exectations, therefore people are more careful.

I was married in my 20s and split up when I was 31.

I'm definitely the commitment phobe now. I've had my DC, they are ace and I don't want anymore to fuck up our dynamic. and I don't want to do the whole domestic life thing again, it is so massively overrated. I like my own space and not to answer to anyone or include them in my decisions.

I completely understand why many people in their 30s freak out about committing. By that age you know yourself and are so much more set in your ways. Imo commitment and living together and marriage etc are rarely that enjoyable. They are all things that we do out of habit, due to a biological imperative... That I've already fulfilled, thanks.

I do have a dp. I love him loads. We don't live together and that would only change once my DC have left home AND I have a job that necessitates me being away from home frequently. Because I want my space.

DP knows this and thinks it's hilarious because he used to be a commitment phobe... He says my ostentatious phobia takes the pressure off him so he can daydream about being together forever etc! Boak. I love him but commitment scares the absolute shit out of me.

Thankfully I have not dated over 30 Men with commitment issues. Yet

Give it time

I've found the same thing in my 30s OP. I'm currently 36 and single; I've never been married but was in LTRs more or less continually up to the age of 31. I then had a break and since then have had one 2-year relationship and a few 3-6 month things, of which well over 50% have ended due to their commitment/attachment issues. I also never came across any of this shit in my 20s... I honestly don't know if it's something in me that attracts/is attracted to these types but they seem so fucking normal to start with!

...... anyone over thirty who is worried anout being together with someone is just a pathetic little loser.

The world hasn’t changed. There will always be frightened little losers out there. They grow old childless and alone. Avoid them like the plague.

You seem confused in the first instance, maybe that is the problem. And also evaluate the reasons for your previous failed marriage.
Aren't you looking for commitment? So surely those with marriage in mind after meeting you isn't the worst thing in the world. It appears that you want someone who is serious without being too committed who is casual but wants an exclusive realtionship? lol. Might be the sign of modern times tbh.

my over 30yr old son is very afraid of loosing what he has worked hard for to a woman who only needs to stick around for a short time before accessing half of his possessions.
his work colleagues, seem to be living proof of gold diggers who shaft the men at the bank.
one of the fellows was diagnosed with brain cancer, his wife took his hospital admission as a great time to rack up his credit card and leave him. he survived and is 100% responsible for the stuff she purchased, plus a percent of the house and pension.

I'm a commitment-phobe. I wholeheartedly believe that if I hadn't met my husband, I would have remained single. I was very content being single, and with each date I'd go on, I'd become more resolute about my singleness.

I don't know what is at the core of my disposition, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with it, so long as the person is upfront and honest about it.

As I said, I am married, and I'm happy with that, but I'm only equally as happy as I was when I was on my own, and I would quite happily return to my prior state (except that I now have children and I can't just return them! ) If DH and I ever split, I doubt I'd ever feel inclined towards another relationship.

..... anyone over thirty who is worried about being together with someone is just a pathetic little loser

I'm inclined to agree with this. I'm 54 and I know men my age who are commitment phobes. (I'm not saying women aren't, before NAMALT comes into play).

Basically these men want a woman available for the occasional fuck and that's it. They don't want to maintain a relationship as they think it will impact on their time and money. & they also want the option of several women on the go.

These pathetic no-marks lie to women, theyre future-fakers to get what they want. & nowadays with OLD and this whole notion of swathes of choice 'You can have it all! Who & what you want' mentality, has put commitment phobes aka users, into overdrive.

I know a guy at 54 who was always Mr good looking runaround. He still looks good - but this man now has diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, lives alone, and is STILL looking for a woman who will accept the role of booty call. He's unwell, not particularly exciting, yet thinks he's a catch. Doesn't seem to understand why women aren't queueing.

I read posts on FB at time and it's dawned on me there are so many deluded, entitled people out there who think other people owe them time and attention for their Walter Mitty nonsense. They're like parasites 'I don't want commitment' yet always trying to gain the time and attention of those who do. I guess they call being silly 'living an alternative lifestyle'.

It must be hard having to sift thru loads of people trying to weed out timewasters who think they're living the dream but that's all you can do I guess.

And ladies, this is why so many on here stay in less than satisfactory circumstances, because if you do want a partner , the options out there over a certain age look less than satisfactory too