Am I being totally selfish by not going to visit my parents more?

[feelguilty]

They live a good four hour drive away, I have two little ones (both under five). I would never stay in their house (too depressing) so have to either do it in a day or stay with friends nearby. They have been invited here many times but are phobic about driving and staying anywhere overnight so that pretty much rules it out. At this rate they are never going to see their grandchildren! (they have seen them, but only a few times). I really don't want to have to schlep up there...am i really selfish?

errrmmmm

I think you are being a little bit selfish, I cannot bear the journey down to my parents and Ikow that driving over two hours with two under fives is not ideal. And I can appreciate that it all feels very one sided if they make a fuss about staying over night.

However, just imagine if your kids feel this way about you in 30 years. I think in a karmic kind of way you might like to consider that if you keep visiting your parents in their old age then you get back what you give out with your kids.

Is there a travelodge or similar cheap standard hotel near to your parents home? A family room can be as littel as £55. It would give you some space and allow you to stay over night.

Sorry to be blunt but you did ask.

no I don't think you are-IMO it's up to them to make the effort

No, you are not being selfish at all. Your circumstances at the moment make it very difficult to visit them more often.

If its a 4 hour drive, whatever you do, don't do it in a day. That's a lot of strain on you.

OMG!
I read it as saying ' visit my parents ANY more'
That would be a bit harsh.

I think four times a year would be adequate.

feelguilty - any chance of a compromise - meeting somewhere mutually convenient halfway between you for lunch/afternoon tea?

I don not think that you are selfish. When I was a child we used to visit my grand parents who lived over 4 hours drive each way - similar to yours - and I used to hate it! I found the journey as a child such a long drawn out thing and used to dread it.

I can imagine it is a nightmare with two under 5's. Until they are older i would suggest your parents come to you. Or could you all meet somewwhere half way for a nice day out all together as a compromise?

They've got an obsession with the M25 and how awful it is! They really wont go round it - or go into London, otherwise we could meet in London (we have lots of friends we could stay with there). They basically dont see why we cant go up there and now think that we are selfish and can't be bothered.

They even came up and down in a day to my wedding as they couldn't bear to stay the night anywhere!

Its getting silly - we will go up soon but I feel cross that I feel guilty IYKWIM

If they have a phobia about driving and staying overnight, could they not make the occasional visit by train to come and see you?

coppertop - they say the train is too expensive...

Well, I don't know how old your parents are but I know that many old people get really phobic about driving or staying anywhere overnight.

I need to take a train + 2-3 flights to visit my parents, it takes me between 18-26 hrs to get there, it's not convenient, it's very expensive, but they are my family, and even though I'm not very "esoteric" I really believe that you get what you give and I feel as responsible to keep the contact with them as I would like DS to keep it with me once he has become independant.

Ooops another who read not visit my parents anymore, 4 times a year is not that bad.
Now back toread the full thread as there was only one reply when I wrote my message...

If they refuse to make any kind of compromise whatsoever then I'm sorry but I would say that they are the ones being selfish, not you. You may be able to visit more when the children are a bit older but it can't be easy driving for 4 hours with 2 little ones.

Definitely don't do the drive there and back in one day.

If hotel cost is an issue, is there no way you could stay in their house overnight now and then? I know you say you find the house too depressing to stay in, but overnight, when you are hopefully asleep, that's the very time you won't notice it.

I don't think you are being selfish in resenting the drive, but I question why you feel bad about staying overnight. But if there are good practical reasons why you can't stay in your parents house, or your parents wouldn't want you there, then fair enough.

It's a great shame your parents won't visit you more.

Perahps yo could talk to them and try to make a compromise? For example you could say I'll drive to you twice a year and you come here twice a year. You could stress how important you feel it is they see your grandchildren. Would they be happier staying in a hotel? Could you afford to pay for their train fare?

their grandchildren not yours

Well, if they won't drive and won't go on the train I think they are the ones being selfish. They just expect you to make all the effort. Have probably forgotten how difficult it is travelling with two children; would they listen if you tried to explain, in detail?

if they wanted to see their grandchildren they would make the effort or save the money. it is horrible to think that they are not all that bothered. my mother doesn't bother with my children at all and it tore me apart for months.

Unless there are other issues that you're not telling us (fair enugh), I don't think anyone is being 'selfish' here.
I see 2 parties very reluctant and anxious about the journey involved - and let's face it, if involves the M25 or London I can't blame either of you!

What I will say to everyone, please don't underestimate how awful it is for 'elderly'(how old are they?) people to drive on unfamiliar territory. Reaction times slow down when you get on a bit, vision goes, it's tiring etc. Plus, our mums and dads learned to drive when there was probably about 50% less traffic on the road.

I'd urge you to be honest with them, and to acknowledge that you're all anxious about the journey, and upset that this is preventing you all being together. If you start trying to place 'blame' then trouble will start.

Not sure how to help though - sorry.

I agree with highlander about the stress that travelling puts on older people. I know some are real gadabouts, but others IME get really reluctant to take the driving wheel or brave a busy train station.

My mum, though physically and mentally fit, got slightly agrophobic as nas she got older and busy, strange situations brought on panic attacks. I know another elderly man, who used to drive happily all over Europe but has sold his car because his eyesight was failing just a bit, but enough for him to realise he is not the same careful driver that he was. Also, IME elderly people may have bladder problems that they don't want to discuss but stop them wanting to go away from home territory as much.

I was thinking about this more yesterday. I feel that driving to your parents 4 times a year is not too little. However, as you're asking for opinions, I think somehow when you get there, you should stay for more than a day. Not just for your own sake, but for your parents sake too. If they can spend two or more days at a time with their grandchildren, they have more chance of getting to know them. Everyone will be more relaxed, too I imagine. After a 4 hour drive, you and your children are probably not at your brilliant best. I don't know what your children are like, but my son, especially when tiny, got hyper after a journey. Being in a new house and seeing his grandma added to his excitement, so he was prone to be a bit naughty and attention demanding on the first day. After a nights sleep, he setttled down more and I felt tons better, too. I used to love the day after we arrived - everything fell into place.

Ahh...nostalga trip for me. My parents are both dead and I do so miss the visits to them, mind you, I only had a 2 hour drive. I look back with regret at some of the times I cancelled trips to see my mum, not realising at the time how ill she was (she didn't know either). I used to resent the fact she would hardly visit me in London (even when she was a fit, active 70 year old). Really stubborn she was. I gave up trying to pursuade her. I hope you have more luck pursuading your parents, but feel that if they don't change, you will have to bend to their ways. Unfair, but that's life.

I am assuming here that you like your parents and they really want to see you, but of course I don't know your full story. I am puzzled why you say you could never stay in their house. That's a difficult one, if that is really how you feel.

My mum is a 4 hour drive away. My parents lived in Belgium for 4 years & in that time never came to see us. We had a rotten journey there but were still expected to go over for Easter, Christmas, holidays & birthdays.

I think my mum has been to us more times in the 8 years since my dad died than in all the years before that. Even so, we've been up to them regularly 4-6 times a year with 4 children. Yes it's a horrible journey & it's no fun with little ones, but I'm so glad that my dad got to know his grandchildren well & they him, while there was still time. Had I waited for them to visit us we'd have lost a lot of time but as it is they have many happy memories of him (well the older kids do). You don't say how old your parents are. My dad died very unexpectedly at the age of 62. As all my grandparents lived into their 90s I thought we had plenty of time. I have a lot of regrets over things I didn't get to say to him, but no guilt over visits. Not a nice thing to think about, but it really does come back to haunt you when it's too late