Someone please help me. I know I will be judged but please just advise.
Been with DP since we were 16. Both now 26, 2 children (6&3 YO) and a mortgage. In the 10 years we have been together he has cheated on me twice. Once when we first bought our house (21 years old) and another time a year ago. The first time I could forgive as we were young and he left for 2 weeks and came crawling back. The second time was totally different. He had an emotional affair with a work colleague, I found out by him being emotionally distant so I checked his mobile phone bills, and he finished with me for 2 months. He come back but still spoke to her and dropped OW to work and took her out once behind my back. It has literally broken me. Now fast forward a year on, he has recently moved job to try and make us better but it hasn't. I feel it's made us worse as I feel like he is distant again yet he says it's because he doesn't like this new job.
Our arguments escalate really really bad. I am obsessed still with OW slightly, I even made a fake snapchat account & Instagram to stalk her. I even stalked my DP by tracking his phone for a few months after it all happened. I can't let him go and I really want to. I have panic attacks without him I am so dependant on him and I don't want to be at all. I STILL shamefully check his phone bills (I am so ashamed about this). I am not the same anymore I hate myself and I'm making myself sick. I think I have an obsessive personality. We have been arguing every day because he isn't giving me the affection I need. I know I have something wrong with me psychologically but I don't know what - when he is gone (as in moved back to his mums), I feel like I can't cope, I want to stay in bed and wallow, I uncontrollably cry.
Example - tonight has triggered me to post because I want help with how to get out of this/have strength to be a better parent and have rid of him. He went out tonight with a work friend at 5 o'clock, said he would get last train home at 12. He knows how uneasy I feel about him going out with his old work friends but did not reassure me. I text him at 8 asking how his night was going and I had no reply. He had been on his phone and had ignored me. It gets to 1am and still not home. So I stupidly panicked and text his work friend saying "tell DP to call me". He called me to say he stayed out for another drink and is now getting a taxi home and what is my problem. My problem is he never bothered to tell me wtf was going on despite my anxiety about the whole night out. HAD ENOUGH. Yet i don't cope without him? When he left last time I was on AD's, didn't sleep at all and just text him all the time asking him why he had done this too me and our sons. My mental health is shot and I have a full time job to hold down - I'm practically a stalker.