Ways to find a happy relationship with my Mum

[covgal1983]

Just had my mum here for a few days. She lives a good few hours away. I probably see her every 6 weeks. She looks after my brother's two young children every other week. I have two young children who she undoubtedly loves. But, everytime I see her I feel awful afterwards and increasingly I'm rising to stuff she says that upsets me.

Everything is about her (when my son did a rolypoly - 'I was a very good gymnast. I used to win the...'. Famous actor on TV - 'When I used to do drama, she was always in the same competitions as me...'. Literally every single thing. She talks about my brother's kids (I have no issue with brother/SiL themselves. We're v close) non stop. My brother is the best dad in the world, in her opinion. My SiL is unfairly criticised. My husband/his family also. I don't think I'm jealous of my brother, but I do get frustrated that he is depicted as having it so tough despite his being in similar circumstances to us (although they have regular grandparent help from both sides of their family which we don't).

I never used to argue with her as a kid because she wouldn't ever back down/drunk a bit and was v emotionally charged. Nowadays I often do get openly cross, e.g. about criticism of SiL or her criticism of choices we've made for our own children (she's awfully judgemental of everyone generally, which riles me). I get emotional and it's not helpful. And - having got to the point where I'm responding - I find it hard to back down. When they're here for several days it really gets on top of me.

I don't think she will change. I also know I am not perfect and - with her - am hugely volatile, can be very cold and offhand and quick to disagree (not at all the way I am with anyone else).

But please help: how on earth do I find a way of enjoying my relationship with her? I know she loves me and my children. And they her. But time together just leaves me so sad. Thanks

But please help: how on earth do I find a way of enjoying my relationship with her?

You do not and besides that you cannot. Its not possible to have a relationship with someone like this let alone enjoy it. You do not owe her a relationship and there is no way of enjoying a relationship with someone as disordered as your mother is. Your reactions towards her are valid ones. Would you put up with this treatment from a friend, no you would likely not. Your mother is no different.

Well you'd like to think that she loves you all but in truth your mother does not know the meaning of the word. She loves only her own self in her universe with her at the centre of it and makes your brother her golden child along with his children (am not surprised she dislikes your SIL because such women do not like other women). Your own family unit including your H and children are scapegoated. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, your mother made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Would suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of that fits in with your own experiences of your mother.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed since those days. She has also never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions has she?.

Its not your fault she is the ways she is; her own family of origin did that to her.

Where is your dad; I ask only as you do not mention him at all. Is he still in your life?.

What does your H think of his MILs behaviours?.

I would further cut back the number of visits she makes to you and become further unavailable to her. I would also encourage you to post on and read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Learn about and deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt through seeing a therapist.

Thank you for replying. I think your advice is good. I need to find a way of dealing with visits without becoming too unhappy - and she doesn't have the self awareness to change. Perhaps some counselling might help me to do that. My dad sees some of the problems but allows life to happen to him tbh. She did have a tricky upbringing, it is true. And I did encourage her a few years back to seek help in order to deal with it. But she didn't, sadly. I also think she feels as though she could have achieved more, hence the narcissism (I do now plan on doing some research).

I had to re read my post as I felt I must have been unfair to her! But it's all true. She is in many ways a wonderful grandma to my two - she loves them hugely. I would be doing her a disservice to suggest otherwise.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I do not think your mother has ever given you any consideration at all so I do not think you have been at all unfair to her here.

Honestly I would keep her well away from your kids; she may be a "wonderful grandma" to you (well you would like to think so) but such people can emotionally harm children by re-enacting out the golden child and scapegoat dynamic with them. She was not a good parent to you when growing up, what makes you think she is at all great with your kids now?. Your own experiences with her show otherwise. She favours your brother's children and hardly sees yours. They also notice how awfully your mother treats you and your reactions to that after she has left. Anyone would be riled actually by someone like your mother.

I would raise your boundaries higher with regards to your mother (you may need some help with that through therapy) and not have her visit as often. Read up too on fear, obligation and guilt and deal with those re her too.

I am not surprised she never did therapy. Such people are not amenable to nor do well long term in therapy sessions. This is because they do not think they are at all at fault here or admit to themselves they have a problem.

You had a not too good sounding upbringing at the hands of your mother and father but you do not treat your children the ways in which she treated you as a child. This is because you also have two qualities that she lacks; empathy and insight. She could well have repeated her own upbringing with you; she never sought or wanted to seek the necessary help but repeated the same old instead. Her poor childhood is not an excuse for how you've been treated. Your dad sounds like her enabler and let you down too. He failed to protect you from the excesses of her behaviours.