I'm at an utter loss.

[gamble1961]

First post and I don't know the protocol and my English isn't very good so I'm sorry in advance if I'm not saying things in the right way.

I really need an objective view on our situation. I say 'our' because we have DC's
DP and have been together 11 years. We have 3 DC's 9,7,5.

We have no sex life. I have no sexual desire towards him. I thing he is a lovely man. On the whole he is very kind but I do not fancy him anymore.

When our first DC was 5 months old he cornered me one day and asked me why I didn't want sex anymore.

I suffered with multiple miscarriages between DC1 and 2 and he blamed me for them.

During my labour of DC2 in 2010 I had an epidural.
DP said he wanted to hear me scream like I did with DC1. I couldn't because I didn't feel the pain.

We went relationship counselling last summer and I ended up in floods of tears. I just cannot forget the things he said to me.

The problem is I can't imagine a day not seeing my DC. 😢😢😢

He sounds horrible

Can you go to family?

Why can't you have the DC if u leave?

I've not long become self employed. He encouraged this at the time as long as I put sufficient money into the family pot each week to buy food etc. I have gone into debt but at least I am able to drop off and pick up my children from school.

I'm setting a terrible example to my kids. I have been unhappy for so long.

DP was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago. I feel responsible for this because I don't want to have sex with him. I feel I am to blame.

He has told me that the antidepressants take the 'edge off things' which makes me feel like a lone parent because he never sits down with our DC's and gives them a reasonable explanation for things.

Last weekend DC1 who is 9 asked DP for a knife so he could cut his sandwich.

DP's reply was 'who am I? You're slave?'

I used to be quite attractive and chatty.

I just feel so empty.

Tbh i would expect my 8 or 10 year olds to get their own knife

Do you have family or friends you can talk to

I would expect them to get their own knife too and I would tell them this, in the right way but how DP said it, I think is terrible. I challenged him about it but he just ignored me. He always ignores me when he doesn't want to answer a question.
I've just come to think is this the depression?

My parents live just down the road and my siblings live very close by as well.

My parents are both in their 80's and have health problems. They moved closer only a few months ago so I could help them, which I do. Cooking, shopping, doctors appointments etc.

I just know we shouldn't be together but the thought of not seeing the DC's for even a weekend is crippling.

Are you sure that if you split up he would want them for the weekends? It doesn’t sound like he’s that interested in them? My friend split up with her DP and the DP just sees the kids on a Sunday daytime. Could you go back to work and get your debt cleared? To be honest, making you put money into the “family pot” while you are trying to set up as self employed is not right or supportive. It can take 2 years to make money from a business. Does he earn well? It sounds like you are desperately unhappy. Why don’t you ask for a trial separation. Ask him to go stay somewhere else for a few weeks as you need time and space to think about what you want

DP said he wanted to hear me scream like I did with DC1.

Why on earth did he say this? Did this come up in counselling?

He wanted to hear you scream? What a horrible man

I wouldn’t have sex with anyone who wanted to hear me scream because I was in pain.
That’s abhorrent!

He wanted to hear you scream? what kind of psychotic shit is that?! My god I'd be very very freaked out by that.

He sounds awful. The screaming bit - is this a "cultural" thing - in some cultures this type of thing is seen as a sign of bravery. I work in health care and have experienced dying patients refusing pain relief because showing pain and fighting death are seen as honourable. It's quite hideous. Im very anti this sort of cultural crap because it mainly affects women. Your marriage sounds miserable and although I understand your feelings about not seeing your DC, it would be better for them to have a happier mother - can you think of it like that?

DP said he wanted to hear me scream like I did with DC1.

Is he mad? Seriously...this comment isn't normal.