I have a vulnerable friend of 30 years who I was at school with from age 9. He had a lot of family problems and became an orphan at an early age. He had a good support network though (including me, my family, and his parents’ friends) and he inherited a lot of money from his parents.
He made attempts at suicide and self harm when he was 18 and he had some boyfriends (he’s gay) who took advantage of him, which made all of us very protective of him over the years, but he is now early forties and has stopped some of the self destructive behaviour.
I feel that a group of about three of us have protected him a lot practically, financially and emotionally. We have probably parented him to some degree. He has needed a lot of attention and reassurance, which I have been happy to give, even between having my own family or going through the same things as he did (exams, jobs, failed relationships, my own parents’ deaths.) I have been very happy to do this and do not resent it even though he has been like another one of my children.
Over the years we never told him when we thought he was in the wrong because we were scared of upsetting him and sending him back over the edge. He was very sensitive and impressionable and easily influenced and we all felt very responsible and wanted him to develop a sense of self esteem and autonomy. He’s never been mean or hurtful to anybody (he does not have a mean bone in his body) but sometimes he can have some odd opinions, which we have been too nervous to challenge and over the years he has been taken up by some (dare I say cult-like?) spiritual movements and beliefs.
It seemed at first that the new found spirituality and spiritual group was good for him because it removed the talk of suicide and self harm and was the first actual thing which made him truly happy. It also seemed to stop him being so self focused and inward looking and more about “the universe” and “others,” which seemed to be a positive thing.
But he has since become part of a smaller group of spiritualists/gurus who have made him believe that he is a psychic and a mind-reader and I would go as far to say, some kind of special, superior person who has been sent to earth to impart his gifts. And all this has been neatly tied up in a narrative of how the tragic things that have happened in his life have been testing him for his great role. These people are also extorting money from him in return for giving him this special information about himself.
My feeling about this used to be - FINE, this is relatively harmless as long as he is not giving away all his money and if £500 here or there is keeping him happy and stable - like a form of (albeit fake) therapy, then whatever makes him happy. He can definitely afford it.
Besides it all happened very slowly and it was easy to not notice the change, as only 25% of the conversation was framed in a spiritual way and was not harmful. In fact, he appeared quite enlightened and positive for a while and as far as dipping in and out of new age beliefs go, some of the stuff he showed me and talked about at the beginning was interesting and healthy (meditation, eastern religions etc.)
I can only speak for myself now but it has got to the point that the friendship is a struggle because he sees everything through the filter of his belief system and he will only engage with me in the role of him as the enlightened teacher and me as the ignoramus - or if I’m lucky - the “student.” He also spontaneously “channels” and passes messages from people’s dead relatives without their permission or them wanting it, which I find intrusive and insensitive.
I have tried challenging it (too late now) and been told that I am unenlightened, or an implication that he loves me and just wants me to get on to the same spiritual level as him. There’s been lots of talk about his gurus telling him he is a “bright light” and attracting and having to protect himself from dark energies. The main guru he is following tells him that whoever is doubting his beliefs or the path they are following is unenlightened and needs to be pitied.
A situation arose recently where he behaved in a way where I couldn’t take anymore of the spiritual propaganda. I withdrew and he got upset with me, wanting to know why (he still often behaves like a needy child and cries very easily if you are harsh with him or reject him in any way.)
I tried to explain and connect with him, but he could not process what I was saying or relate to me, without putting it in the context of a spiritual problem. Eg, you are upset because of a past trauma that I need to give you healing for, not because i have done anything. So after our chat where he told me if I was upset with him I needed to go on a course with his guru to have a personal realisation, or receive healing from him for a past trauma, he then bombarded me with lots of “love and light” memes over text when I got home and lots of “love you” and “miss you.”. So no taking responsibility for anything, or really listening, just playing the same record.
My feelings are very conflicted. I am angry at him. I feel that a narcissism has taken over the vulnerable person I loved and cared for. But I also feel like I and others “created a monster” because if we really did see ourselves as being responsible for him, we should have done it properly and not enabled him in the way we have done by never challenging him. Eg when he started declaring he was psychic and gifted, we all said, well that’s great, well done - yes you are a really intuitive and sensitive person.
He is also a bit delusional in other ways. eg he believes that he is destined to marry or be with certain Hollywood film stars, he believes that he is exceptionally good looking (another nugget, I suspect, from the people he is paying.) He IS quite good looking, i’m not denying that, but it’s his very public belief in his exceptionalness and specialness that is unusual. It is so unusual and extreme that it does not even come across as big-headed or narcissistic, it just comes across like he has the completely wrong end of the stick.
He is still a very vulnerable and impressionable person and when I think of him, I still see him as the child and teenager that I know. I have never wanted to take advantage of him for his vulnerability, but i should have realised he would meet people in life who have.
I also don’t discount my role in this - i’m aware I sound far too involved. And it doesn’t sound like there’s much in the friendship for me at all. But I do feel a sense of responsibility for him that goes back decades and we have a lot of shared history. He also knows me and my family really well, so when he does throw the spiritual stuff at me, it is hard not to take it personally. The other people involved in his life also feel this way but we don’t like to speak negatively about him between us because I think we all feel a certain sense of responsibility for him and bitching about him would be a real betrayal.
I just wondered what you thought of this? Whether my take on it is right? Whether it’s a personality disorder or he is just a very vulnerable person? Whether your friends have done similar things? And how I should approach it now?