My dad seems to have stopped speaking to me and I don’t know why or what to do

[AveAtqueVale]

This could get very long so I will try to keep it brief:

Backstory is that parents divorced nearly ten years ago, badly. Dad was a dickhead, ran off with other woman, kept mum dangling etc etc. Mum was and is a difficult woman, but he was really horrid.

My DSis and I barely spoke to him for six months or so - she was 15, I was 18. Frankly he didn’t make a lot of effort to stay in touch. He just wanted us to meet the OW and see how great she was. We refused, he said we were being unfair, etc. He married OW a couple of years later. We did not go to the wedding but did eventually meet her.

Since then contact has been sporadic at best - they lived abroad for a while. He phoned every 8-10 weeks or so with a ‘sorry I’ve not been in touch for a couple of weeks’ and so on. When I was expecting DS1 DH and I got engaged, and met him for lunch. Told him the news, he seemed pleased and among other things offered to make a financial contribution to the wedding. We said that was kind, all seemed ok. Then two days later he sent me a lengthy and horrid email saying I was throwing my life away marrying DH as he's ‘only’ a policeman, shouldn’t have DS and should have an abortion. And also I’m fat among other things. So then I didn’t speak to him for nearly a year - he didn’t meet DS when he was born. I eventually got back in touch because his mother (my Granny) told me she was upset about the situation, and DH persuaded me to give him another chance.

That was 4ish years ago - since then I feel things have improved slightly. I’ve tried to do as he’s asked - including his wife in things etc, inviting him to meet DS1 (and now DS2). Then this Christmas he asked what I’d like for Christmas - I suggested a book, which he sent me, and he also sent some pirate playmobil for the DSs and some beer for DH. I sent him and his wife a book each, and a couple of Berts Bees lip balm sets to her daughters, his step-DDs, who’re about ten years younger than DSis and I. He sent me a cheery text on the 23rd asking what we were doing for Christmas, but my phone had broken. I got the text on the 28th when it was repaired, replied, explained about broken phone, wished them all a merry Christmas and thanked for the presents. Then a couple of days later I tried to call. Then I tried again. And again. I get periodic texts saying ‘sorry tied up, call you tomorrow’, but he never does. He has also forwarded an email from my uncle about some uninteresting legal stuff to do with the trust of my grandfather’s estate. But otherwise is incommunicado. I keep wracking my brains about what I’ve done wrong. I went to see other family of his on the 24th but didn’t see him over the Christmas period - but he never invited us or suggested meeting up, and is usually away for Christmas so it didn’t occur to me! DH thinks that’s the problem - that we saw his brothers/ my Granny and not him - but we never see him over Christmas and he never asked! I’m wondering if he was somehow offended by the gifts, but I thought they were innocuous?!

Anyway I’ve since discovered he sent my sister a letter for her birthday in December saying he’s sorry she no longer wants him in her life, but his door is always open. She is bemused as she never said anything of the kind. He and his wife were invited to her wedding last September, but his wife refused to come as her Dds weren’t invited. But we’ve only met them about five times and there were only 12 people at the wedding in total! Our cousins, close family friends etc who she’s known her entire life also weren’t invited. Dsis explained this to dad and said she would of course have invited them to a larger wedding but as they were keeping it tiny the invitation was only to him and his wife. He said he understood but his wife was offended and wouldn’t come. He asked Dsis to make an effort with his wife as apparently she wants a better relationship with us - so dsis sent her an email suggesting meeting for lunch one day, to which she got a reply that his wife was ‘busy atm’. And nothing since except the weird letter on her birthday. But at that point he was still apparently talking to me fine .

My birthday is on Tuesday and I’m literally dreading getting some sort of horrible letter like the email a few years ago. I had Pnd after having DS1, partly but not entirely due to the situation with my dad, and since he’s stopped talking to me for reasons I cannot fathom my anxiety levels have gone through the roof and I’m depressed again, back on a higher dose of medication. We had a very up and down year last year with DH having a bad health scare, being moved by his job three times, we moved house and we’re at the point of exchange to move again when the health scare happened so had to pull out, DS1 is being investigated for ASD and DS2 arrived (which was obviously lovely but not exactly unstressful). I was really hoping 2018 would be better but now apparently my father has decided to be weird again and I don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong!!!!

God that was long. for anyone who actually reaches the end.

At a guess his dw is pulling his strings and he is too spineless to argue with her. My advice would be keep him at arms length, treat him as just someone you know - he isn't up to the job of being someone you can love /respect or rely on. Don't accept any crappy texts /letters though, tell him he is in no position to criticise you or your family - is free to stay out of your life if he can't be pleasant.

Its not you, its your dad. He is still a selfish dickhead and his behaviours over the years have played a role in you developing anxiety and depression. He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he has not changed since then. All he has been throughout is unreliable and that is not your fault.

Its not your fault your dad is the ways he is, you did not make him that way. His own family of origin did that.

Have you ever sought therapy re your dad?. It may be a good idea for you to talk to someone about this relationship. You do not owe him a relationship, infact you owe him nothing. He does not deserve to have either your sister or you in his life because all he has done to date is let you both down.

I would look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

That sounds like quite a stressful relationship to try and maintain. Your Dad sounds like he is offended by proxy from his wife! If I was you I would try and disconnect a little. Send an email once a month with a bit of news and asking how everyone is, if your Dad replies, great, if not let it wash over you. I would say you have not done anything g to deserve such treatment and the issue is entirely your Dad or his wife's.

Snowy that’s what my Dsis thinks. I’m just not sure why though? She’s had ten years to interfere - I’m not sure why she’d step it up at this point. But yes if I get anything nasty that is what I’ll be saying.

Attila the thing is he was a good dad when I was growing up. He was kind, interested, supportive. In some ways a lot easier to live with than my mum. I loved him dearly, and if you’d said to me when I was 17 that he’d soon walk out on us all with barely a backwards glance I’d have thought you were insane. It was like he had a complete personality change over a few months, which I think is part of the reason I try to maintain a relationship. I know he’s not that person any more but he looks and sounds the same. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if he’d died, which sounds awful, but then I could just miss the lovely father I grew up with and not have to deal with this extremely odd man who has been impersonating him for the last decade. But maybe he was always like this and I was just stupid.

Thebooks it is stressful - I so want to do the ‘right’ thing. I go through periods when I don’t really think about him but then as contact seemed to be getting better last year I started hoping maybe we could salvage something of a relationship, which was foolish as I know he always lets me down.

After a difficult start with my df +his dw +initial effort with me during teen years, and when I had dc, she suddenly decided at 40 she wasn't a 'real dgm' and dumped me and my dc. Df the ball less twunt became unreliable in his visits until I told him just to stop bothering. She imo couldn't cope with him having other important people in his life when she wanted her to be his one and only priority. Haven't seen him for 20 years. He doesn't even know how many dc I have!

Sounds to me like his wife is making snowballs for him to throw and that when she says jump.....he asks how high. He is now weak.

Got this this morning with a book from aamzon. Wtf does he mean he’s not able to call?! I’m so sick of this - either he wants to be part of our lives or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, I wish he’d just bugger off!

Really feel for you OP I have a similar relationship with my father too- sometimes he’s so great but most of the time he’s hurtful and uninterested. Perhaps write HIM a letter? And if all else fails I’ve heard going NC can be incredibly freeing. for you x

I think you're better off without him. He seems ruled by his wife and unable to make any decisions on his own. Concentrate on your DH and dc's and let it go.

I think it's really unfair of him to be sending cryptic notes like that leaving you to worry. I'd take a backseat now and try and not even think about him until he's ready to be there properly again.

This semi relationship sounds way too stressful and volatile for anyone to deal with.

Is his wife maybe a little bit abusive? Maybe she really won't let him call/answer calls from his 'old' family - does he include his DSDs in his everyday life?

Maybe you could send him a letter (something she's not likely to open, of course), telling him that your door is always open if he wants to talk - just as you would to a friend in an abusive relationship, then let it go.

After all, he ran off with her - maybe she's worried he might run off again with someone else, and is therefore keeping him on a very tight leash.

He's in a a controlling relationship.

she has manufactured lies about what you and your sister have done and said - we had the same, my dsis and i, with the OW my dad married.

thing is, we - the kids from the original family - remind her/them what they did to the family, and as they started their relationship in a bubble of lies, they can't handle the inconvenient truth. It's a cocktail of jealousy/resentment and inferiority.

Can you send a letter to him that he would get? does he still work? could you access him at work? or could you go round there? pop in one day?

Ultimately though, the hurtful truth that WE have to understand is that WE - his kids - didn't mean enough to him to tell her that she needs to get over herself and that his kids are his kids and if she doesn't like it she knows where the door is..

I don't speak to my dad anymore, some of the reason is that he let me down in the exact same way, the other reasons are that he never has a good word to say about me, and now my son. If a friend treated me as poorly and as consistently, I'd phase them out just the same. I believe family has to be held to HIGHER standards because they're family and deserve better treatment than someone who has come into your life, but even equal standards means that I'd not expect to be treated so badly.

I feel for you because it transpires from your words how much you would like to have a better relationship with your dad.

I think for your own mental health you need to accept the relationship with your dad is not as you’d like it. I wouldn’t try to think about the reasons too much, you cannot guess them. For your own sake don’t expect any more than what he is offering now. Tell him when he can callyou’ll be happy to talk to him.

You have done nothing wrong.

what snowydays said. The note pretty well confirms that he's getting a lot of earache from his second wife and it's too difficult to maintain a relationship with you and your sister.

In my by-now extensive experience, many men's primary relationship is with their sexual partner and not their children. Maintaining the relationship with the children of previous marriages depends on the goodwill of the wife. It's amazing and saddening how they can allow a wedge to be inserted between themselves and their children (I realise the bitterness shows!)

In many ways the old father you had is gone, and this -is- a different man. I can completely understand that it would feel easier if he'd died, though I'm not at all sure it would be easier in practise.

Sadly I think the best thing you can do is mourn your old father and see the present him as a different (and poor) father. The mean email shows that either he actually has a very nasty side - it was completely uncalled for - which is possible given how he acted around the time of the divorce, or that his wife was standing over his shoulder when he wrote it.

He is completely out of order sending you that message on your birthday. Manipulative bullshit! If he has been thinking about you so much, why can't he just text and ask how you are?

I have a similar relationship with my Dad, and it causes a huge amount of anxiety when he gets in contact with me. I would rather he left me alone instead of carrying on with the charade, as he has absolutely no interest in my life.

I agree with other posters, it is his wife. She has probably made him choose between you and her.
My father's wife does this every so often, but then she calms down a bit and she lets him have contact with me. Then he visits me and she doesn't like it, so he is forced to choose again. On it goes.
It's hard to believe anyone could be so weak, particularly a man we might have looked up to in childhood.

If it is affecting your mental health so much it might be best to consider stepping back from any contact. It would probably make his life easier too (which seems to be his priority after all).

It's so sad.
But he's making it impossible for you to have the relationship you'd like to have with him.

I agree with others. You just have to step back. It's painful but less so than investing false hope in an ideal that never existed (and likely never will). Maybe your mum was 'difficult' for a reason. Maybe your dad's 'wishy-washy/now you have him- now you don't' baloney got to her in the end and broke her spirit. Look what it's done to your own peace of mind. Now imagine being married to that behaviour.
As for his current wife, yes, it's likely she's a poison dwarf type and I'd say you can certainly lay blame at her feet. But your dad made his bed. It's all on him.
You can't fix the past but you can invest in what you have now. Nurture the roots of your own family.

I think it is far to easy to place the blame with his wife, it's a very convenient excuse for his behaviour. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you when you needed his support, op.

So what books are you going to send him for his birthday? ...with a nice little note you know he can use these. Something about communicating?
Sorry, ignore me...that would just be PA.

I agree: step back. As an adult with a spouse and dc of your own, your primary focus should be on your family. Your family of origin is not your priority...there is a “pecking order”, or they are on the periphery. Apologies to your sister, but she would not out rank your dh and dc either.

Happiness associated with your father ended when he walked out. You are not going to be able to regenerate that dynamic because you are no longer a child.

Recalibrate your expectations to zero, then you won’t be disappointed.

I had a very similar situation with my dad. For my own sanity, I eventually cut him out of my life, as it was clear to me OW was far more important than his kids and grandson. Haven't seen or spoken to him in more than 12 years.

He has chosen who matters more and it isn't you. Back away from him. He can't be the dad you want.

He is selfish

He had an affair

People who do that are only thinking for themselves, to hell with everyone else

Ow is the same, but on some level terrified that she’ll get left and insecure to the point that she can’t bear to have you near her man.

It’d possibly be different if you were men

He’s lazy, chosen the path of least resistance

He lives with her, if he stands up to her he loses everything he threw his family away to get.

It’s not that you’re less important, it’s that he’s weak