When did you know enough was enough?

[Blushlove]

My relationship went from being amazing one day to all hell broke loose the next, there's a massive story but I don't expect anyone to have the time that it would take to read it so I will give the shortest version possible.

DP lost it when I found out I was pregnant (planned) horrible throughout pregnancy and newborn, he puts it down to his own problems of the shock/massive change to his life from that and previously coming out of the forces.

I know he really struggled but he was emotionally abusive towards me during my own vulnerable time and I just don't know how to move on.

Things are different now, he accepts his behaviour towards me wasn't nice but he will excuse it with his own problems and I think he expects me to accept it too but I feel like he really needs to acknowledge how he treated me and make it known that he's sorry and make a big effort to show me it won't be like that going forward. Unfortunately I still don't seem to be good enough and it's now got to a point where I'm so down but he gets annoyed just by me saying that I feel down, he won't discuss it with me because we're going round in circles.

It's true, we are going round in circles but I feel like if I say it just one more time I'll get the response I need but realisation is hitting home and the hope that I had that one day the person I met will return has pretty much disappeared. I've told him before I'm going to leave but he is emotionless, I've always hoped it's because he wants me but in reality I think it's because he doesn't want out DS to be from a split family.

I've tried to keep it together for so long because of the hope and because I can't bare to imagine splitting my baby boy who is only just one. I'll give it to DP that he's a great dad (meaning he's more than capable of taking care of him, I know to be a truly great dad he should treat me better) but I'm heartbroken to think of split birthdays/christmases and just time in general. I'm now at the point where my hope has run out and I know for me to have a happy life in the long run I need to leave. I'm the cliche of living in his house.

Ultimately I would love it if he could listen to me and really try to make things better, we had one month where things were great again but as soon as I don't live up to his standards it blows up.

I'm sorry it was so long and that's only the short version! Question is, how bad did it need to get for you to split your family up knowing you would be without your baby for a significant part of their time ☹️

I'm so sorry. Neither of you seem happy. I can't tell you if it's over or not- that's up to you. You both sound like you have suffered from depression at points though. Have you tried counselling? It might be something you could try as a last ditch attempt.

That's bad enough! Doesn't actually sound like he's improved since he was abusive during your pregnancy, he just changed tactics.

Surely being happy with your dc most of the time is better than being unhappy with oh and dc all of the time?

Are you sure he'll actually want split care? Being emotionless when you say your leaving suggests to me he doesn't actually care about either of you.

Things went wrong when my baby came along, I lost all love and respect for him and it never returned. I wasted years and years on that relationship. Don't be me.

If he just won't listen your resentment will grow.

I felt the same sadness as you at the thought of splitting the family, until I came to realise that this 'family', at least the happy version, was all in my head.

Now five years on since I kicked him out for various reasons, and my dc are very, very happy and just wonderful little creatures. We were all three of us walking on eggshells when we were with him, we now live in a truly happy home. Those very strong feelings of what you should do (i.e. Keep a family structure come what may) will pass, and you will find peace. A happy mother means happy children, generally.

It's so hard to make that decision. In one way I wish he would just say 'I don't love you anymore' at least that way I wouldn't feel like I was going crazy.

@rascallyrascal He won't have it that depression was involved in his side but I certainly think it was, he's doing a lot better in himself now but he seems to think that he doesn't need to put the effort in to us as he has an excuse for his behaviour. He's had his own counselling and I've suggested we have couples counselling too but he just said no. I suppose it says it all!

If he isn't willing to put in the time and effort then I think you probably have your answer. Sorry.