Grumpy DH?

[bnmc]

I am a student nurse and work long days on placement as well as one day a week in university. DH helps out with childcare by taking dc to school if I am leaving early and picking up from after school clubs, plus any weekends I may be required to work.

This week my afternoon lecture was cancelled, I arranged to meet with dh for lunch as he was going to be in the area. I gave him an approximate time I would finish but said I would call as I left so he would know I was on the way. The lecture finished later than expected and I came out to numerous missed calls from him, when we spoke he was furious, not accepting that I was unable to take a call whilst in a lecture, ranting that I care about the nhs more than him.
He had been waiting in the carpark of where we were due to meet but by this point had decided to leave as I hadn’t answered my phone, I got upset at the way he was speaking to me so he cut me off and has not spoken to me since.

He is deeply resentful of what he perceives to be him being placed at the bottom of my priorities. He hates the inflexible nature of my course (we cannot request time off, have fixed holidays and have no say in the shifts we are allocated) He does get plenty of time to go to the gym/ play sports most days a week and I will call in help with childcare from family to facilitate this if necessary.

He is often grumpy and moody about various things, but I usually just ignore and get on with things until he snaps out of it.
I know he often speaks to us all like shit, he has a stressful job and a short temper.

This time I feel like it’s just gone too far, I can’t bring myself to speak to him as I am so pissed off. I’m sick of being spoken to like this. We have been together 10+ years and he’s getting worse. He never apologises.
It’s not going to get any better is it?

I know he often speaks to us all like shit

This is all that is relevant.

What do you plan to do about it?

ranting that I care about the nhs more than him - that part made me laugh though (inappropriately perhaps).

No - it'll get worse. Voice of experience here.
Sorry.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

No its not going to get any better, if anything it will increase in frequency. He acts like this because he can and this works for him. Not speaking to you is sulking behaviour and that is another form of emotional abuse. He also wants to be Number 1 all the time and he does not like it at all. Again that is his problem and not yours to own for him.

Your roles are time critical and yet you do not pull this type of crap on him. He has NO right at all to speak to you like shit either; the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Many people have stressful lives and work long hours and yet they do not act or see fit to act as your H does. Its an excuse and a poor one at that.
I would look carefully at his parents as this has probably been learnt from them.

He is responsible for his own moods here, not you. You are not responsible for his actions.

I would look at your own future within this relationship and decide for yourself whether or not you want to separate from him. Is this the sort of relationship model you want your children to be seeing as well, they could well copy him.

Having just finished a similar NHS course I can say I relate to this in many ways.
Me and my partner have been together for ten years and while on my three year course he took on a greater role in childcare (drop offs pick ups etc) and it really shifted the balance in our relationship.
Although we argued together I would do the course I feel there was some element of resentment that I was bettering myself and that they were picking up the slack, in regards to child easing and finances.
However no I have left this has got so much better and arguments are few and far between.
In regards to that instance over lunch my partner would have reacted the same and had a similar response. They just don't see it the same,
I did try and improve I think in this instance sending a sly text under the table when you realised lectures would run over would have made the situation much more understandable for your partner and showed that you considered his feelings too

Years ago I did an NHS course. It’s tough. My ex was like your H.

The course very much revealed how he saw kids and house as pink jobs and he resented having to pull his weight. In fact he never did. And once I qualified he continued to resent me going to work at e.g. weekends.

I kicked him out in the end. Best thing I ever did.

I think the bottom line is can you sort the stress together. If not then this course is just revealing cracks in your dynamic.

But I’m afraid if he talks to you like shit and never apologises you are 100% on a hiding to nothing....