Sorry this is so long!
DH and I have been together for 10 years and have always been very happy and content, but there has been one ongoing issue. At the start of our relationship we had an amazing sex life but we’d only been together around a year when DH started having problems getting/maintaining an erection. In hindsight I think if I’d been kinder about it the first time it happened, it might never have become an issue. Unfortunately I made it 1,000 times worse by taking it personally and getting upset/angry with him. This made him feel very nervous and pressured and it was a vicious cycle. Sex became very stressful because it seemed like the smallest thing would make him lose his erection. I would dress up in sexy underwear thinking that would help, but of course that just made him feel even more under pressure to perform.
Eventually we went from having sex every night to rarely having it at all - I think we were both just so put off by the stress of it all. The only times our sex life made a return were on holidays and times where we were completely stress-free.
We’ve struggled with this problem on and off throughout the whole relationship but it wasn’t the be all and end all, and we were very happy otherwise. After getting married we decided to start TTC and unfortunately had several miscarriages. TTC in the midst of miscarriages and erection problems was just awful and tbh when our daughter was conceived I was so relieved to not have to do it any more! Being knackered with a new baby also gave us a good excuse to not even try to have sex any more, and DH admitted he had completely lost his sex drive.
However a few months ago DH discovered he has thyroid problems and various hormone imbalances including very low testosterone. He started treatment for this and now feels much better. He’s also really got his sex drive back and wants to start having sex again. This is great, but I feel like the past decade of our sex life has been so fraught with problems that I’ve completely switched off my sexual side and I’m not sure how to get back ‘into it’. It sounds bad but I’m almost resentful that it’s always been so much on his terms - for years he didn’t want to have sex so we barely did. And when we did, it was often stressful and upsetting and left me feeling rejected and unattractive (even if this is illogical). Those years (plus being a new mum) have made me feel incredibly unsexy and unsexual and I just don’t know where to start to regain this side of myself. I honestly feel like I have zero sex drive whatsoever, but I do want one again.
Anyone have any advice? TIA. Xxx