How did your marriage survive with young dc?

[Cooperbell]

I have a great husband, he works hard and does his share of housework and childcare. We were together for a long time before having dc, never any issues apart from the normal tiffs. We've shared everything and although cringy he's my best friend.

We are now in the situation where we have 2 young dc and they are now our life along with work and the usual daily grind.

There's no time for ourselves either individually or as a couple or for previous hobbies etc.

It goes without saying we love dc and don't regret having them at all, we will have more time when their at school but I'm starting to worry about what will be left of our marriage by that point. I'm worried that we are becoming more like friends than being madly in love like we were

So any tips on keeping the spark going?

We have no childcare so date nights aren't an option unfortunately.

Of course they don’t. You find a registered childminder who comes recommended or a local responsible teenager.

I remember our lovely babysitters from when I was a kid, I enjoyed it when they came.

Xpost, that was a response to Thistlebelle

You don’t even have a friend you could swap with Cooper?

I don’t believe there are no childminders in your area at all.

And you must have friends, neighbours, who have children for babysitting.

I’m not suggesting leaving children with a stranger, you need to get to know them first.

Cooper - do your docs go to nursery? a lot of nursery nurses will babysit and of course they are crb checked, qualified, and used to dealing with children. Maybe try that?

@tatiana there are plenty of childminders but none that work evenings or weekends. There are no professional babysitting companies.

Our friends are mostly out of the young dc stage now.

They do go to nursery so that's a good idea @sass.

I'm ordering board games as I type.

but I worry about when the dc are that bit older and we end up with more time that we will have lost that connection.
You're wise to think about this and to try to think of things to do with DH. My ex and I did find we had nothing left to talk about except the DCs, by the time they were about 6. I vividly remember us planning a trip to the cinema to try to improve things, but he got the time wrong, and we were an hour early; I was filled with dread at spending an extra hour with him without a film to watch, as I just didn't enjoy time with him any more (Sunday afternoon, and nothing else nearby seemed to be open). We each read a book for that your in the car, and I think I started to realise then that we weren't really a couple any more :-(

Cooper - just ask your favourite nursery worker if they do babysitting, even if they don't themselves often there will be a pool of them who do. I imagine you'll find at least one or two who do babysitting. Good luck!

@Cooperbell i hope i'm not being obvious (i probably am) but have you tried childcare.co.uk? I just searched for evening babysitters in my area and got 92 results; mixture of students etc and ofsted reg childminders. I don't live in a big city or anything, though admittedly its not remote.

Ssw1 we've had 14 years (before children, now 3.5yrs additional life with children) of separate hobbies - tbh the children are pretty much the only thing we have in common. Except now we've built our lives so house/holidays/work/future are all much more talked about and planned together. We still have our separate hobbies, and are very supportive of each other's, but have scaled back as hobby time means more of the other persons time has to be used for solo childcare and less family time.
And the children weren't some sort of 'hold our relationship together' idea either 😁. I do hope we will get some us time as they get older but think the key to now is common goals and not taking each other for granted and prioritising each other over ourselves.

Another tip, if your kids are at nursery and you really struggle for quality time, take a day of annual leave together and still send the kids to nursery. You can get to the cinema/gym/spa/out for a meal or just catch up on time in bed (sleeping or not!). We have done this on public holidays when nursery is still open and it really can be great. I know it might seem silly sending them in when you're off but it keeps their routine and gives you time together you otherwise couldn't have.

@guinnessguzzler that's what I was trying to say also. It doesn't have to be a night it could be a day time thing. Go bowling and lunch. Or cinemas and lunch. Or a walk somewhere etc and catch up at home

Definitely take a days leave from work and still send the children to nursery. It really feels like such a treat!

I think the daytime thing could be a good idea. We really have nobody to babysit at night and I wouldn't leave them with a stranger at their age.

Definitely going to improve our evenings. The dc have a good bedtime routine and are great sleepers so we could definitely make the most of that time.

Thank you all

Yes, sorry I realised others had said it after I posted! Still, good to know we're not alone in packing them off to nursery so we can sleep all day! Sometimes, needs must!

Relationships do change with time but ad you said you will have more time when the kids are older. We go out together once a month and have a break as a couple once a year to keep the spark.

We were in your situation when DCs were young. We lived abroad so no childcare available that we/DCs would be comfortable with.

Using the evenings definitely. Keep talking, daydream together about things other than to do with DCs. This stage isnt 'it'.

We don't go out much maybe 3 evenings a year while trusted babysitters are looking after dc. Occasionally we watch a DVD together and I have bought some board games too but not got round to playing them.

I have been known to surprise dh by getting into the shower with him. Have you tried that?