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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice/help/handhold!

8 replies

Indecisivemummy · 17/02/2018 15:22

Hi I need help, advice, something!

The situation is been with dh for nearly 20 years, have children ranging from teenage to 5, the problem is I don't think I'm in love with dh anymore and I know I don't fancy him.
This has been coming on I think over the last year but I've tried to ignore it.

We used to have sex but haven't over the last few months as I don't want to do it anymore (been doing it when I haven't really wanted to for the last year but I just can't anymore).

I think it's partly because i have resentments i cant/ don't talk about and partly I'm just tired of constantly feeling I'm in the wrong, I'm not affectionate enough apparently and every time he gets upset with me he blanks me - this can happen for up to a week.

He has made it clear that if we separate he will leave his job and move back to were he originally lived (still UK but not close)and won't consider councilling.

Reading back what I've wrote makes him sound bad, he isn't a bad man really.

What stops me really is the kids how can I tell them I'm responsible for their dad leaving and moving miles away?

Is my happiness worth their unhappiness?

I have no one to talk to in real life, I don't honestly know what I want from this post really just any thoughts or views would be great

Thank you if you read all this

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 17/02/2018 16:16

Him throwing his toys out of his pram and moving far away is NOT your responsibility. It's his! They are his kids too, and if he is not willing to put them first if you separate, then I'd be very surprised if he is putting them first now. He sulks, makes it all your fault and won't consider counselling. All he does is blackmail you that he will abandon his own kids if you dont do what he wants. Don't seem like he is willing to try and make this work unless it is all on his terms.

Call his bluff. Let him swan off home without a job. Your children will not blame you long term. He is making a conscious choice to move, you are not making him.

chloetheudder · 17/02/2018 16:21

It sounds like you know what you want. He won’t consider counseling so you are limited in what you can do to try to salvage the relationship. Whatever you do will be hard but would it be worth having a frank conversation about the relationship and what works/doesn’t work for both of you and whether there are changes you are willing to make? Then maybe you could give it a fixed period of time eg 6 months and review the situation and make your decisions from there. Another option would be to make a couples counseling appointment and tell him that if he cares about saving the relationship he should come. I know it’s hard to think of hurting your children. Maybe that’s why it’s worth trying hard to improve things for 6 months so you know that if you decide to end it, you have tried and you haven’t made the decision lightly.

Original poster
Indecisivemummy · 17/02/2018 17:26

Thank you both for your replies, your right he is throwing his toys out of the pram as I've always pretty much tried to keep the peace, but finding it hard lately it doesn't help one on my dc has been diagnosed with a long term condition so I'm just not as patient as usual (the latest strop I let him get on with it)
I think I should go councilling by myself either way to try and get some perspective.
Do you think the kids will be ok with me if it all goes wrong? That's what keeps me up at night!
I just don't understand how someone could think of just moving away from their kids!

OP posts:
lanbro · 17/02/2018 17:29

I'm a firm believer that dc are always better off with happy but apart parents than unhappy and together...

chloetheudder · 17/02/2018 17:32

As long as your kids get what they need, they will be fine whether their parents are together or apart.

chloetheudder · 17/02/2018 17:38

If he decides to move away from his children, that’s on him, not you. You’re not making him move.

Whocansay · 17/02/2018 17:41

You are not responsible for his actions.

He is one shitty father if he's willing to abandon his children just to spite you.

Original poster
Indecisivemummy · 17/02/2018 18:06

I'm just scared I suppose the children won't see that im not making him move far away or worse want to go with him, I know I will be seen as the bad guy.
It truly has made me see him in a different light saying that tho, I just don't think I can keep up pretending I'm ok when I'm not.

OP posts:
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