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Original poster

Do I forgive her for butting in?

26 replies

macb1702 · 02/05/2007 14:01

Sorry this is a bit long and complicated, I will keep it as brief as poss.
Basically one of my oldest friends found out I was a secret smoker (I have had severe PND and I guess I used it a coping mechanism). She decided to tell my husband at a friends wedding. She did it cos she didn't want the burden and felt it was better for him to know!!
He obviously went totally mad and called me every name under the sun. This has resulted him totally mistrusting me, going through my bag, checking my phone messages(not sure why!)and generally going on about it. Unfortunately he then found out I had a £100 overdraft, which he paid off. However, he usually gives me £50 a week and he has stopped this, leaving me with practically nothing and me having to ask him for any money I might need for the kids.
I am obviously resenting this and him, and our relationship is VERY rocky. Honestly if I didn't have the kids I would have left by now, just cos of the constant accusations.
So here is my question... the so called friend is meant to be one my son's godparents. we haven't finalised it, so what would you do? Should I try and sort things out with her or accept that maybe she is not the person I thought she was. Although it is my fault it has happened, I do feel she has pretty much screwed up my marriage.

OP posts:

scatterbrain · 02/05/2007 14:04

hmmmm - tricky one - but I think the worst you can accuse her of is being a stirrer !

your dh's reaction sounds OTT to be honest !

I think your real problem is the way he has reacted - not the fact that she stirred all this up. Surely any normal dh would be able to forgive you - it's not as though you have had an affair, taken drugs or gambled your life savings away is it ?

AngharadGoldenhand · 02/05/2007 14:07

I would not have her as a godparent.

Not much of a friend imo.

WigWamBam · 02/05/2007 14:07

You're right - it's your fault that it happened. She may not have been completely in the right by telling your dh, but it's not her fault that you have been lying to him. It's also not her fault that he found out you'd lied about the overdraft as well.

I can understand your dh's reaction - he thought he could trust you and he can't. I don't think it's a case of him forgiving you - I think it's a case of you needing to prove yourself trustworthy to him again.

lulumama · 02/05/2007 14:07

she should have not told him, she should have supported you when you had PND, and if she had to tell him, telling him at a wedding was very bad form

as for him, he has gone waaay over the top

why would he need to check your phone and stop giving you money?

i guess he feels that you lied about the smoking and the overdraft, so what else might you lie about, but he is punishing you like a naughty child, rather than resolving the issue like a grown up

she has not screwed u p your marriage, if it was a rock steady relationship, the revelation of your smoking would not have finished it off

she is a stirrer, and has been a catalyst, but sounds like he would have found a reason anyway to kick off

adozenroses · 02/05/2007 14:07

I wouldn't be pleased with your friend, but I agree with scatterbrain that your dh's attitude over this is ridiculous! You are an adult and can do as you wish.

Carmenere · 02/05/2007 14:08

WTF has it got to do with your dh if you have the odd fag? You are an adult, you know the risks and as long as you don't do it in front of his dc's it has NOTHING to do with him.
Your problems are more serious that whether your friend is a good friend or not(she isn't). You are married to a control freak. Off to relate with you if you really want to save this marraige, leave if you don't. But truly when did you give up your right to privacy and choice? When you said I do?

Anniegetyourgun · 02/05/2007 14:11

Hell hath no fury like someone found out, eh? If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Mind you it's not a very friendly action to snitch either.

A pair of not very nice "friends" altogether as far as I can see.

Iklboo · 02/05/2007 14:12

She should have kept her mouth shut - it's not like she'd found out you were a serial killer.
DH's reaction is WAY over the top. Behaving like this is not going to help you move forward. Personally I'd spy me backside and stop doing anything for him and just take care of myself and the kids - but that's me.

lulumama · 02/05/2007 14:14

hang on a mo

the OP had severe PND , and found having a smoke was a coping mechanism...her friend, who should have been supporting her through a difficult time, told on her and at a wedding ! and the OP is in the wrong!??

obimomkanobi · 02/05/2007 14:15

Woah Wig wam bam!

You think this guys reaction was normal?!!

So what, she has a crafty fag and has run up a £100 overdraft...it's hardly crime of the century.

I want to know why he 'gives' you (the op) money every week?

He sounds like a controlling git.

Original poster

macb1702 · 02/05/2007 14:17

Thankyou for your comments. WigWamBam - I agree with you about proving I am trustworthy, but when I ask him what I can do to help him gain trust in me again, he says he doesn't know. I have said to him that I can't live this for very long, it is no way to be married. As for smoking being the only thing that is wrong between us that isn't true. When I had my DS (2years ago) he was in special care and I had a broken leg as well. When we got home, my husband was in the middle of building an extension for us(very lucky he can do it, I get that!) but instead of putting it on hold and helping me with a newborn an 18mth old and a broken leg, he carried on building, basically until last month. I have felt very alone and unsupported by him, and this has caused me to have faith in him as a father and husband. He obviously priorised and the house won. When I was newly home form hospital I was left indoors, immobile with 2 children and a CB radio to contact him if one of the children needed something! I can almost laugh about it now, but seriuosly I don't think that was acceptable!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 02/05/2007 14:18

They are married the money is theirs, how dare macb's h stop 'giving' her the housekeeping. This attitude makes me

scatterbrain · 02/05/2007 14:19

So it's not really about your friend butting in then ?

castlesintheair · 02/05/2007 14:19

I agree with the majority here. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. If she's your friend she should be loyal to you. Secondly, it sound's like your DH has a few larger problems of his own to deal with.

Carmenere · 02/05/2007 14:20

You have proven your trustworthyness by not abondoning the family and leaving him to it. You don't have to kowtow to this bully.

WigWamBam · 02/05/2007 14:22

Obi, I didn't say his reaction was normal. I said it was understandable based on the OP.

It may not be crime of the century, but it may well have left him feeling that he can't trust her. I would feel let down if I found my dh were lying to me - even over something like a crafty fag or a £100 overdraft. Honesty and openness are important things to me.

It sounds from your later post, mach, that there are deeper problems in your relationship than this, though, and given that you have had problems before then it's not quite so simple.

edam · 02/05/2007 14:22

I'd ditch the friend tbh, my bet is she enjoyed the power trip whatever lies she told herself about not wanting to fib to your dh, etc. etc.

Your dh is a controlling git and needs sorting out. Your money is a joint marital asset and if you were to divorce, it's 50:50. I get that he's angry but he's being completely OTT about it.

bluebubbles · 02/05/2007 14:25

i totally agree with your husband for going of on one, you have already kept 2 things from him, how would you feel if the tables were turned, is it maybe the health side of things he is worried about, do you smoke in front of your children?? if the answer is yes then he has every right to be angry and want to protect them, money could be another factor, i take it you are not that well of if you have had to get a overdraft, he might feel its not fair him going out to work to earn money and you spending this money on stinking fags.

anyway back to the op, i dont think it was your friends place to tell your husband but she must be a close/old friend that you asked her to be godparent in the first place so it would be a shame if you could not sort things out, had she maybe had to much to drink at the wedding? (still not fair that she done it but it might explain why)

i hope you can get this all sorted it must be stressfull for you and the last thing you need if you are recovering from pnd.

donnie · 02/05/2007 14:30

she is malicious and has betrayed you IMO. A few fags FGS, let's keep this in perspective shall we ?

I would be incandescent with anger and also feel betrayed. As for the Godparent thing, I would definitely not do it. I would find it hard to trust her again.

Your husban#s reaction is also extreme in my view. I am really sorry this has happened to you.

Pollyanna · 02/05/2007 14:50

blimey, I agree that your dh is being completely ott - he is treating you like a child. You haven't betrayed his trust imo (unless you have lied about not smoking etc and even then ...). I wouldn't put up with being given an allowance tbh.

As for your friend - it's none of her business whether you have been keeping secrets from your dh. But if she didn't know how he would react, she can't be blamed for his reaction. Then again, she must have known it was an issue to make a deal of it. I don't bear grudges myself, but would feel pretty pissed off with a friend if she did this to me, and although I might attempt to build bridges if she was a very important friend to me, I'm not sure I would be ready to ask her to be a Godparent yet.
Have you spoken to her about why she did this?

PeterAndreFanCLub · 02/05/2007 14:52

the money thing is odd

Spidermama · 02/05/2007 14:54

I'm in a similar situration with my DH at the moment only the other way round. He has been found out to be lying and my whole world has changed. I feel I don't really know him. He's not the person he's been pretending to be. He could be lying about any number of other things. How would I know?

Either you lie to each other, or you trust each other. No wonder he is accusing you - you've lied to him.

I can tell you this - You may think it's harmless but it really hurts. I feel offended and disrespected by him.

LucyJones · 02/05/2007 15:00

I completely agree with Carmenere.
I think your friend was out of order, but your dh has gone way over the top.
I would look for a part time job and pay the the fags yourself

FiveFingeredFiend · 02/05/2007 15:05

the money thing is very odd.

i would stop all housework forthwith. I would also seek legal advice and see the cab. Nothing like the look on someones face when they think they have you by the nuts, when you say "well i have had some advice and done some research and basically i am entitled to xyz

FiveFingeredFiend · 02/05/2007 15:06

The other thing is this. You are both grown up. He is withholding money so you can't buy fags?

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