MIL - lovely but infuriating!

[DownInFraggleRock]

I want to start by saying that my ILs are lovely people and I’m well aware of how lucky I am- I don’t intend this to be a MIL bashing thread, but I’m at my wits end and could do with advice! Sorry- it’s a long one!

As I said, my MIL is a great person, but there’s two small(ish) issues which are now causing me major stress- she doesn’t communicate and is very sensitive/anxious and she’s a total shopaholic. We were able to deal with this things okay for a decade, but following the birth of DD who is the first grandchild, her shopping/ gift giving is out of control, and we can’t find a way to address it without causing a row!

To give a few examples, on the run up to Christmas we tried to discuss presents, as we knew it was going to be an issue. The two responses we got were ‘fine, I’ll not buy DD anything’ and ‘I’m not telling you what I bought her’. With the result that she got her a mountain of stuff and the only two presents we’d bought her she had also bought- which doesn’t matter this year, but will in future years. She then said she’d got carried away and thought she was Santa, Since then she’s continued to give presents almost every time we see her, many of which are the wrong season for that age DD will be when she fits it. She knows and has talked to us about how we have very little storage in our house and the amount of stuff DD has is stressing me and DH out, but the next time I see her, she hands over another bag saying “I know you don’t want this, but I couldn’t help it”. She won’t talk to us about what DD actually needs, so she’s just adding to the enormous amount of clothes DD has. We live in a 3 bedroom house, but even with giving lots away, the nursery is full and DH has donated half his wardrobe to her coats! We’re bursting at the seams and ILs know that, but they just suggest we move to a bigger house!

So we’ve tried being subtle, we’ve tried being fairly direct, so it’s reached the point that we’re going to have to sit down and have a proper discussion. The problem with that is that we’ve done this twice before (asking them not to land around unannounced after 10pm and asking them not to show up for dinner 2 hours late) and both times have resulted in major drama, tears, and hurt. I do believe they’re totally genuine- she’s not any sort of narc, she just deals with confrontation really poorly, I think due to her anxiety.

While I could just refuse to take it, or send it to charity shop, it’s making me dread seeing them, and eroding any faith that they’ll listen to any of our parenting decisions. I like them too much to not try and improve things as they’re fantastic grandparents, and everyone would be poorer if the relationship was to be limited for fear of being given more stuff!

If anyone has advice on how to deal with this without causing a massive row, I’m eagerly listening!

TL:DR- how do I stop MIL burying us in a mountain of pink frilly clothes without upsetting her?!

MIL we love you. Dd loves you. You are fantastic GPs. But you know that we are drowning in the stuff you buy her, and it's got to the point where we are dreading seeing you because we know there will be more stuff that DD doesn't need. We don't want to jeopardise a relationship that we all get so much from. Please stop buying any more stuff.
Yes, there will probably be fallout. But what's your alternative?

Start an eBay shop?

We get this from SIL. Christmas is ridiculous. Last year we each (family of five) received a five foot high sack of presents. She buys more for our kids than we do.

It’s embarrassing and stifling and I find it really controlling.

I deal with it now by immediately charity shopping the bulk of it (usually candles and other nick knacks for me) and never buying clothes for the kids in the run up to Christmas and birthdays. And I try to keep in mind that this is how she proves affection, and she doesn’t expect it reciprocated.

Would she take it better from your DH?

He can maybe be more direct? I.e. He can say "please stop buying her things. Half the time the are wagon season so a waste of money. In future anything will just go straight to charity shop."

Hmmm. It’s not very “lovely” to disrespect your boundaries to the extent that they arrive unannounced after 10pm, are more than 2 hours late for dinner, and create massive drama when you rightly challenge it. She may well be “sensitive” but refusing to listen and/or getting upset every time someone tries to challenge you (even if they do it politely and gently) is actually very manipulative. The result is that you don’t dare to challenge her so you end up going along with what she does and wants.

You say she’s not a narc but that’s neither here nor there. You don’t need a diagnose or label to say that the behaviour is unhealthy and toxic.

This isn’t about the gifts IMO. It’s about boundaries.

Anarchronistic - you sound quite unpleasant. I would love to have a generous and caring SIL! Or in-laws for that matter.

The poor woman probably has no idea you're critical of her kindness!

Oh God, mine is like this.

She does lots of holidays and brings back souvenirs for us every time. Plastic tat, slogan tshirts, you get the idea.

We sat her down and said please don't bring us gifts, we are de cluttering and reorganising etc. etc. We would prefer you save the money and have another holiday with it (seriously, she could, it was ridiculous!) we would rather you be happy and enjoy it.

You are already part way there in that they acknowledge that you don't want the stuff. Would they respond well to a savings account for DD that they can pay into instead? Mil is doing that for our DD and it seems to satisfy her need to give material things.

Anotheremma- at times I do feel like that is the case, but in each of the previous examples they went away, and clearly thought and talked about it, and came back a few days later to have constructive and less emotive discussions, and things really have changed off the back of it.... it’s just the initial catastrophising and drama make me very nervous of the drama- particularly because the other two fights they were clearly wrong, but this is a much more grey area... plus I don’t want her to feel she can never buy stuff... just that coming downstairs this morning to find she’s snuck another bag of t-shirts behind a cushion in the living room has given me the rage!
To the PP who asked about DH doing it- he’s has done previously and will lead on this one again, but it’s hard for him to go against a lifetime of ‘don’t upset your Mum’ so I think we need a good plan and he needs my support!

The issue really is that shopping/buying stuff is meeting her needs and DD is a useful focus for it. She's telling you she hears you, she knows you don't want it, but that doesn't outweigh her need to shop and then push the stuff on. She doesn't need more information because she hasn't understood - she's telling you she does understand you don't like or want it but she doesn't plan to stop. If it's compulsive or addictive or a form of hoarding then she may not be able to stop.

Tbh I would have a box that lived in the boot of my car and 99% of it goes straight in the box and straight to the local charity shop, with you selecting only the very few items you really want. No need to mention it, no need to argue about it, and if she asks where things went (which doesn't sound likely with the amount she's flooding you with) 'oh it went to the charity shop MiL, you know we don't have room to keep everything'.

Clutter and constant stuff is so stifling and depressing, you don't need to house her hoard for her.

How about telling her that from now on you won’t be accepting any gifts as they aren’t needed and get in the way.

Suggest that instead of gifts that don’t get used she instead do something your dd will appreciate and set up a savings account that will give your your dd daughter more opportunity in life when she needs money for uni, driving lessons or deposits.

Accept anything and everything she buys ON THE CONDITION that she also gives you the receipts.
She clearly NEEDS to buy, but you can return everything surplus to requirements and put through money in a savings account, either for your DD or to spend on something for your MIL

Breakfastatsquiffanys - The above would only work if she paid cash for the items.

You've already asked her not to buy so many things. So next time she presents you with anything tell her, "No, thank you." Hand it back. Refuse to accept it. Refuse to discuss it. Keep repeating "No, thank you."

She will not like it. She might well cry. But stick to your guns. After a few goes she'll stop buying so many things.

We’d actually agreed that the next time it happened we would say “thank you, but as you know we have no space. If you want to buy stuff to keep at yours then that’s fine, but we can’t fit anything else”. DH is away at the moment, but it turns out she didn’t hide the bag (this time) and that they had ‘a good conversation about it’ last night when I was settling the baby. I’ll have to wait to hear what was said, but the fact that the bag is still there suggests it wasn’t that productive!

YOu keep asking for advice on how to talk to MIL without causing a row.

You can't. She has a problem and cannot have a normal conversation.

If you accept that there might be a temporary upset in your relationship then that might help. It will only be temporary if you and your dh do like her.

Get tough. Get clear. Get direct. Say it.

Can you physically show them your house storage, wardrobes and drawers bursting at the seams? Show them your partner's wardrobe half full with only coats for one child - it's ridiculous in the extreme.

Can you discuss how much money MIL is wasting by buying the wrong size for the season in clothing and suggest putting that money into Premium Bonds or similar for your dd?
at the rate she's going, your child will be able to buy a house by the time she's 10.

Let her know there are other ways of showing love and affection besides buying bags of clothes.

Can you discuss how much money MIL is wasting by buying the wrong size for the season in clothing and suggest putting that money into Premium Bonds or similar for your dd?

That would be a good solution, but I doubt it would work. It sounds as though MIL is a compulsive shopper and she won't get the same rewards from savings as she gets from buying things.

Can your DH talk to her and gently suggest getting some help for her anxiety and shopping addiction?

I don’t think she would view either her anxiety or shopping as a problem- she’s from a family of worriers, so they all (except DH who is an adrenaline junkie) normalise it for each other- they think we’re mad to go surfing in the rain... because clearly water from the sky is worse for you than the North Atlantic! Likewise, her house is pristine... but every room is full of her stuff... it’s just not messy at all. At last count she had 73 bottles of miniature shower gels and lotions put away in pretty boxes in the guest bathroom!
DH came home and told me that when she handed it over, both FIL and GFIL (her Dad) told her she had to stop, and there was a discussion among them all, which DH is going to follow up on with his dad. So I think my hands are tied for now, and I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
As a bit of a curveball, during the discussions on our lack of space, his dad said if we found somewhere bigger that we liked, they were in a position to help us. They helped us massively with the deposit for this house, and have never mentioned it, or used it to control us, so again I think they’re trying to genuinely help us out.... and now I’m torn, because I’d love to move- but think of all the cupboard space MIL would have to fill!!

If she’s buying dd things then don’t use them and stick them in a box. When your dd grows out of that age rage then give her the box back and point out it’s all unused so she can either sell it on or get the satisfaction of giving it to charity.

Giving back regular boxes of stuff might help.

My own mother is like this. She buys DCs mountains of stuff out of guilt, mainly clothes as she moved away when DC1 was a baby and so smothers them with stuff when she visits.
She always buys the wrong sizes too and often gifts that they already have or don't need. I've tried talking to her but she just gets offended. So now I get rid of anything I don't want and she gets to see for herself when she visits that we don't need her gifts. Last time she commented on a doctor's kit that DC was playing with and commented it wasn't the same one she had bought. I factually pointed out that no it wasn't as she already had a doctor's kit when she bought her one.
She was a bit offended, but it's fact. Some people need to see and learn for themselves that they're wasting money. If your MIL asks where something is, state quite factually, it was the wrong size, or she didn't need it, so you gave it to a friend/charity shop etc. Stick to the facts and you can't go wrong. If she gets hysterical you can then say that you've explained before that you don't have the space for surplus stuff. Then she reacts however she chooses to react. If she continues buying, continue giving it away, she knows the outcome.